Miss my Son Michael gone but never forgotten....

by Pam Bradley
(Phoenix Arizona)



The past 2 years have been hell, no easy way to put it. My son Michael passed away 7.11.10 in his sleep. My only child, my only care in the world, my friend, what in the hell am I gonna do. Life is hard for me, I try to find positive and productive things in my life but bottom line, my insides are lonely and sad. My parents live out of state, so they dont see what I'm going through. No family calls to check on me and see how I'm doing. Oh well. I feel very alone in my life, so I'm trying to learn to live with that. I miss talking, seeing, touching, hearing, feeling my son in my life!

Lonely ex mom.

Comments for Miss my Son Michael gone but never forgotten....

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Aug 23, 2012
Hello Susie
by: Pam

Hello Susie, OMG that’s terrible about your son Jonathan, I’m so so sorry…. absolutely devastating. ((Bless you)) That lonely feeling is so hard, no calls, no texts, no what temp do I put the stove on, no more worrying about him, no Hi Mom, no I love you Mom, NOTHING, all in a blink of the eye. You know this feeling too. My phone never rings now. I’m grateful for the time I had my son with me, but sure looking forward to the day I can go be with him. Warm hugs to you Susie, keep me posted on how you’re doing, we all need to stick together and support one another.

Aug 23, 2012
Hello Dee UK
by: Pam

Hello Dee UK, you’ve got to be kidding? Someone really said that to you about you did something wrong. I want to slap that person! The nerve! Just like what your writing about people can be very hurtful. ‘Taste your words before they come out of your mouth’, I want to tell them. I’m sorry your children are so fare away and can’t be with you for support and comfort, not fare. I don’t know the feeling of losing a husband my deepest condolences. Warm hugs to you Dee UK.

Aug 23, 2012
Hello Maureen..
by: Pam

Hello Maureen, Amen to that. The people in my life I thought could help me or be there for support are NOT. Sorry but I want to slap your sister in law, how can people say that? How. This is our child were talking about, the deepest bond. We know for a fact they would be just as lost as us if in the same shoes. What and your friend calling upset wtf Sorry very childish. She needs to learn how to deal with a broken heart. I had to google “I need help” and thank god like you, found people to talk to and share. Found out I’m not really crazy just a very sad Mom missing her child like anyone else.

Aug 23, 2012
We understand each other
by: Pam

Hello Molly,

Thank you very much. So sorry to hear about your Dear Quinn too young. T_T. Talking about changing hearing about young people passing it just tears me up big time, not just the life of a fine young person but I always think of the parents now. They are feeling like us, shocked, sad, mad, empty, hurting etc etc and their lives will never be the same. Just breaks my heart. I don’t watch the news anymore, ouch hurt ouch hurt. Oh my you’re at just over a year out, bless your heart. Supper big hug too you! Yes Quinns younger than my Michael but sounds like they could have been basketball buddies, my son too loves basketball, never went too a camp but was always at the community center with the guys. We’ll never forget that call, yes that call, mine came from my son’s dad (we not together), and that night will haunt me for the rest of my life, just like yours, so hard to live with. I agree with you alone or with others that lonely feeling is still there. And jealousy is a hard one for me too, see everyone with their children, fun, pictures, laughs I just want to throw up. I wish so bad I could have that back. I’ve heard of compassionate friends and I think they do have a group here, I know someone that goes I’ve never been, have attended MISS foundation support group. and I use their online forum to chat with others. They have a group just for loss of young adults, so I can be with others like us. I just can’t relate to those losing a baby, no affiance, just different. And I need to talk to people about this and I’m glad you wrote to me. I’ll be thinking of you Molly in Canada and your sweet Quinn, I sure hope he sends you signs from above to let you know he’s near. And like you I welcome the day I leave this world to be with my son once more.

Aug 22, 2012
I more than understand
by: Molly

Hi Pam,
first off I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your only son, It seems we have that in commom. My son Quinn died in 2011 of July it has now been 13 months and like you Quinn was everything to me. He was the love of my life, the love we have for our children can never be filled by anyone or anything else. Like you my son was my friend, my companian and just a wonderful person. I was so proud of the young man he was growing into and looking forward to the daughter in-law and the grandchildren and the extended little family we were going to be. I think unlike you I was a single mom ( I know some people will say you are still a mom) however for me I don't feel that way because I am not being a mom and doing the things I did as a mom, but I know I will always be Quinns mom. I think Quinn was younger than Michael he was 16 and died while at basketball camp. I sent him to camp every year nothing new about that and this time no positive outcome. No Quinn coming back and telling me about his adventure full of stories and happiness just a cold phone call telling me my one and only son died while far away from me just collapsed and died. So unfair and un-believable but it happened and now I am alone and just waiting for the day that I get to be with Quinn again. In your message you talked about being alone, that really is the worst but you know even if you have tons of people around you chances are you would still feel alone. I know that I do, it is good to have people to talk to but they don't get it and never will. I think a few of the people that wrote told you to contact compassionate friends that is a good suggestion I live in Canada and we don't have that but I did join a group for berevead parents and although no great friendships were made it was good to have somewhere to go and people to talk to. Myself i write and go to the gym and try to keep as busy as possible. I don't like to be alone, which is surprising because before that was never a problem. I am sure that for you and for everyone on this site so many things in your life changes and you also change so much it is just amazing all the aspects of your life that is affected my this loss and how much you change ans an individual. What I will say to you and really I am not ready or really able to give advise is try to not isolate yourself, even if it is just checking in on this site daily. I wish you peace of heart and soul and just hope one day we will all see our sweet boys and feel happy once more.

Aug 16, 2012
Thank you all by Pam
by: Doreen U.K.

Pam I am happy that you have found good support on this website and that you will continue to be supported by people here. I know counselling costs money and this will let you down as many people will not have the money for this valuable benefit. Your post was very helpfull. People will let us down more than we will ever know or expect. It is just hard because in life we need to be surrounded by people and those people who are closest seem to be the farthest away. We need to have people that are close in life.

Aug 16, 2012
So Sorry by Maureen
by: Dee U.K.

Maureen I am so sorry for the loss of your son and for the loss of your family who are not being supportive to you. Your brother who is living close by but far away in person. For the sister-in-law who is clueless to GRIEF and who would only understand if she experienced what you are going through. For the best friend of 25yrs. who screamed at you because you are not in the place she needs you to be. WHICH IS TO BE THERE FOR HER AND NOT FOR YOU. It takes a death for you to realize who are the real folks in your life you can count on in life. It shatters your world when you need them and they are not available. I received a reply on this website to tell me that people are inherently good and not bad as she took from my post when I said that we live in a fallen world. She had such a beautiful relationship with her father. People like this I find are clueless to GRIEF. I was told to go and give my life for others, e.g. church work, voluntary work, something in life. I have done all this and know the benefits. I don't feel like doing anything. I am hurt by LIFE. Let down by LIFE AND PEOPLE. My husband understood and would be unhappy about what is happening to me now he has died. I hurt because all my Adult children have abandoned me. Even if I screamed I NEED YOU. They wouldn't hear. I received one reply to my POST and was told that I must have done something wrong to my children that they have left. I told her if she knew the truth she would have to apologise to me for being so judgemental. I am unlucky to receive the support I need even here on this website. But happy that God gave me a gift of support I can give to others. But just sometimes one needs a little ointment on their wounds. There are some people who are never touched by tragedy or the selfisheness of family members. They are fortunate. But for people like you and me. We belong to the real world where REALITY says you will be hurt by the SELFISHNESS of others, and people won't be supportive or loving in your world. And even if you do the right things you will still be hurt. People won't always understand. And these are the people who can also compound our Grief. I hope that people will come into your life and bring sunshine and not shadows. Love and not War. Peace and not sadness. Laughter and not tears.

Aug 16, 2012
You are all so brave by Liverpool Lass
by: Dee U.K.

Dear Liverpool Lass, I am sorry for your loss of your children in a custody battle. I don't think I could cope losing my children this way. Knowing they were in the world but not part of me anymore. This is truly very painfull to be hurt this way. I don't know how we are supposed to recover from such pain that overflows. I lost my children a different way. I have expressed my pain here but it hasn't been respected. So it will have to die with me. But you have my deepest heartfelt sympathy for your pain and heartache. As my sister would say. I HOPE LIFE GIVES YOU A LITTLE SUGAR.

Aug 15, 2012
so sorry
by: maureen

I am so sorry for loss of your beautiful son. I lost my son Alan on 10-10-10 in his sleep.As far as my family they live close by and some of them have made it a living hell for me.On the one year anniversary of his death I was so incredily depressed my sister in law called and basically said get over yourself and move on. I felt as if a dagger went thru my heart.The people that I thought I could count on no matter what happened in my life have not been there.I havent heard from my brother who lives a quarter mile away in 6 months or so.But on the other side I have met some of the most incredible woman who have taught be to survive the ones who have gone through this.They are the people I never would have thought that i would develop incredible bonds with.My best frind for 25 years called me up screaming that I wasnt spending enough time with her!I dont talk to her now and dont have time for people in my life anymore like that. If you go to a compassionate friends meeting I think it would help.Being with people who truely know our pain is what has helped me.I think I expected by now to be so much less sad but I miss Alan more as each day passes God I know your pain..

Aug 15, 2012
I'm so sorry...
by: Anonymous

I too lost my son Johnathan on May 11th this year (2012) a work accident..he was picking up a load of hay for k*ight trucking where he had worked for years and he was in the trailer...no one looked, they just loaded and compressed it with him in it and closed the back, locked it and drove away...he suffered...I too am alone...he was all I had. I don't know what to do either...I do know that constant pain...I care about you and your loss...Susie

Aug 15, 2012
u are all so brave
by: liverpool lass

I have lost my children in a bitter custody battle, and the pain is searing, constant and never ending. I have read these posts with humbleness and love in my heart for you all. Your bravery in continuing.... and your bravery in attempting to reconcile what is reconcilable, is awe inspiring. The fierce love you hold for your loved ones is eternal and will burn longer than all the stars.Love is eternal and your children are connected to you for all of eternity.I thank you for sharing your experiences and for making a connection motivated and inspired by love. I send you all mine. X

Aug 15, 2012
Thank you all....
by: Pam

Oh thank you for the messages..thank you thank you! My deepest sympathy to you all ♥. @ SoSadDad oh my goodness bless your heart, what a terriable hand to have to live with. Super big hug to you! You are so right 'No help from the world', Iv hit my head agenst the wall trying to talk to friends and family it always leaves me feeling worse. People in my life just dont get it and I guess at first I thought these people could help me, but no. So I keep to myself. Thank God I found people like yourself to chat with. @ Cindy Love the prayer! Thank you so much! So true isnt it. Sorry about your Dylan, I will look him up on here. Again I say, thanks for giving me people to talk too about this horriable nightmare. @ Doreen I have been to a counslor and support groups on and off. I'm unemployed right now and not able to spend money on doc appointments etc. But I do go to support groups when able. It's helpful for me to be with others in the same boat. It's strange that complete strangers know more about me than my husband (not my son's dad), friends and family. I feel more comforable talking to you all than people in my life. Tired of the looks I get and the come backs. Bless you all...I'm gonna read some more on this site.

Aug 15, 2012
Gone but never forgotten
by: Pat J.

Dear Pam,
I can only imagine your grief. I have five children; all adults now, with their own families, but can't imagine that grief.
My mother-in-law lost her husband 40 years ago. I lost my husband, June 27,2011; the day after our 46th wedding anniversary to a massive heart attack. From my first day as a widow, she told me my life will never be the same, but you have to go on.
Eleven years ago, she lost a daughter to breast cancer; five years later she lost a son to cancer of the esophagus, and five years later my husband died. She always told us losing her husband was hard; but losing a child is worse.
Losing an only child must be devastating; losing any child must be. Death comes so quickly and it is so final. We think it will happen to others, but never really think about it happening to us. I've lost both my parents, but the grief I had for their loss is nothing to the loss of my husband and with my mother-in-laws loss of her children, each one affected her differently.
All I can say is you will always carry your son in your heart. But then again that is so esy for someone to say; unless we have experienced that type of grief, we really don't have a clue.
Two years; I've survived almost 14 months without my husband; I each day, the loss of him just gets greater. You have to be a very strong woman.
I talk to my husband everyday, but just the thought of never having his arms around me, hearing his voice, seeing his face,; all the little things I took for granted are now gone. I know you relate to that. We have to cherish their memory, be grateful we had them in our lives at all. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes.
I hope you can talk about your son alot. I talk about my husband(his nickname was Red, his real name is Leonard). Talking about him keeps his memory alive for me.
God is walking this journey of grief with all of us. I can't explain it any other way. I think sometimes he carrys us. As the saying of Footprints says about only one set of footprints, that's when God was carrying us.
God Bless you Pam. I can only say again; I can't imagine your grief. I do know my life is forever changed.

Aug 15, 2012
Miss my Son Michael gone but never forgotten....
by: Doreen U.K.

Pam I am sorry for your loss of your only Son Michael from your life. You are so grief stricken. Get some grief counselling if only to have someone else to talk to and who would listen to you and respect how you feel and how difficult it is for you to move forward in life. It doesn't matter what you do or how busy you keep yourself you will always feel that void in your life. That emptiness and isolation will be with you for a long time as long as you are grieving. You need to let your parents know what you are going through. It doesn't help to keep this to yourself. Perhaps your family would be more supportive. They probably think that you are coping and moving forward. Only because they are not experiencing the same feelings as you. All who are going through grief will say the same thing. No one calls me anymore. Everyone goes their own way and life goes on for them. No one will realise what we go through unless they are going through this. Even explaining this to them of how you feel will not make them feel what you are feeling. The sadness is that these feelings will be with us for a long time till our grief gets better and the pain gets less and less.

Aug 15, 2012
Another Lonely Mom
by: Cindy

I know just how you feel. I lost my son who was my only child too, in March of 2011. His name is Dylan and he was 27. His story is here on this site. He died of an appendix rupture and it was very sudden. I know that feeling in your stomach when you always feel like you've had the wind knocked out of you. I,m so sorry you lost your sweet boy. Ohhh! How it hurts! My Dylan was my reason for living and Im sure sweet Michael was yours. We carry such a weight, unlike any other and I need not tell you, for you already know how unbelievably strong we have to be. It is so unfair that we have been suddenly cast into this lonely place. Reaching out to people, like you have done here is important in conquering the saddness. Please know that I care and I know...I know...I'm giving you this prayer, and please write back.


My life is upside down, loving God. The order of the world is out of place and I can't do anything to right it again. Oh Lord, you know the pain in my heart at all times and you know why: My only child has died. How can it be that my beloved son is gone? The child I cared for with such concern in every illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of for a lifetime, is not here for me to care for anymore. It hurts so deeply that I wasn't able to protect this child I love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair.
Let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me in this kind of deep and transformative pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my burden and my companion.
Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and my heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute we had together. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.
Help me deal with people better. They don't know what to say. Thay stumble and look away when they see me. They pretend like nothing has happened. I know they "don't want to remind me" but they don't understand that it is with me always...always.
Teach me Lord. Tell me what you want me to do with this tragedy. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are you calling me to do? Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only you can give me the peace I need. Let me feel your presence In my life.

Aug 15, 2012
I know, I know...
by: SoSadDad

Pam, I am so very sorry for what you have experienced, and for the seemingly endless sadness and grief. I'm also sorry that I have so few words of encouragement, or even hope. "They" say it will get better, the sadness will become less severe and less frequent. The confusion, chaos, and pain, the gut-wrenching despair, it all will lessen and become bearable; we'll smile often again, and experience happiness, and remember more of the good times and less of the tragedy. Brenda and I lost Melanie at 31 on 9/20/2009 and Jennifer 0n 7/17/2011. In either situation, the grief had not diminished much yet. Our two children, our only children, gone from us for the rest of this life. We still have our faith in God, even though we still ask why every day. Of course, there is no answer that would satisfy us or make us OK with the losses. Pam, I pray that you can do as we are, just hanging on and hoping for a return to some semblance of a normal life. We are doing it for the girls; this is what they would want us to do, to try to be happy again. Maybe you can do that for Michael. I didn't know him, but our children, your son and my daughters, loved us and still love us. All we can do is hang onto that. The world, outside of our exclusive club, will never understand what we've lost, how much it hurts, and how hopeless the future seems to us. Help won't come from the world. And let's be honest, we don't want them to ever understand; that can only come by losing something so prescious as our children. Pam, if you don't already know about it, look up www.compassionatefriends.org and find a local chapter. They are all parents just like us, struggling to survive in a black and bleak world. But they understand, from experience. I pray that you will maintain the will to continue, and to hope for a brighter day filled with loving and happy thoughts of Michael and the time you had with him.

God bless you!

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