miss my son so much

by dianne
(england)

I felt I had to write again I lost my son only July last year he was just 21 he has a younger brother who is just 5 and left behind a daughter age 5 my sons daughter was taken into care the month before he passed away he was in a new relationship had been for just six months I loved him with all my heart and relive the nite he passed away so many times I never imagined my life without him in it and its so hard I just can't let go of him .I waited to find out the reason why for nearly six months and it knocked me side wards that he died of alcohol and heroin toxicity I never knew my son had taken heroin I asked if there was any way of telling if here ever taken it before to be told no he had split from his girl friend and she had told him she wasn't ready for a child he felt he had be in a relationship I was telling him to concentrate on his daughter he knew I loved him more than anything but did suffer from depression I just keep asking myself if he was in the rite frame of mind when he took this combination the only consolation is he looked so peaceful but my heart has the deepest hole I have won his daughter. She came to live with me at Xmas so that was one blessing helped me get threw Xmas but i can't get it out of my head I should have been with him he wasn't alone and I have to carry on as if I'm doing so well but its tearing me apart I miss him so much x

Comments for miss my son so much

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Aug 08, 2016
I lost my son daiwt
by: tirhas

Thank you from UK my son dint die from drug he was sick dad and me did fail him is long story my son is a perfect son mommy and daddy could ever have me and he's dad we did fail him is a long story this is too hard to go on no one understand unless someone go through losing a child

Jul 08, 2016
I miss my son daiwt so much
by: Doreen UK

tirhas, I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved son at the young age of 22yrs.
You are in the very worst pain ever that a mother can go through. I have 3 adult children and worried all the time if I should lose any one of them. I buried their father 4yrs. ago and that was the worst broken experience ever. Next is the death of a child/adult child. Only time can heal this hurt to the degree you won't feel such raw pain, but you will never ever fully recover the loss of a child. You carried him for 9 months and reared him to be the man he was. I don't understand what you mean when you say you and his dad failed him. There are no perfect parents. Parent will always feel a measure of regret in how they reared their children. We cannot give our children the life skills they need unless we had them in the first place. WE are all fractured human beings living in a fallen world that is so difficult and harsh a place at times for our children who are exposed to such dangers of drugs etc. They often find an escape for the harsh realities of growing up in a drug culture and a world where they have to fight for survival and self esteem. Please do not beat yourself up with having failed. WE have all been let down some time in life. WE just pick ourselves up and start all over again. God is our healer and our deliverer from sorrow and deep grief and God is the one who can carry us through this tunnel of grief. It is a normal aspect of grief to feel you can't go on in life and you want to die. Many of us felt the same way when we lost our loves ones. I thought I would never recover from my grief pain and I thought I would be like this forever. I took one day at a time and asked God to carry me through this dark valley of grief. God is still carrying me through each day. Please find a counsellor to help you cope with the deep grief you are feeling that is unbearable.
My sister's had a 30 year old son who through himself in front of an express train and she was in pieces and had to have a grief counsellor come to her home and pick her up so she could go on in life. She has recovered from her grief with good support and she reaches out to other's now and supports them. This too is a very healing experience to comfort other's with the comfort we received. You are in the depths of despair. Hold on to God because He is holding on to you and will help you through this grief in to healing. God be with you and comfort you and give you His Peace.

Jul 07, 2016
I lost my son daiwt
by: tirhas

I lost my son dwait 22 yers old i miss him so mch I don't know how to go on I don't know what to do my heart's broke my son is loving caring beautiful heart Beautiful Soul his Dad and I fail him I just don't want live anymore I just want to be with him how do you go on when you lose your child you love very much my heart is broke my soul is broke

Jun 19, 2016
I lost my son dawit
by: tirhas

I know how you feel I lost my son my angel 22 yes old I miss him so much I love him so much I don't know what to do I want to die I can't go on Any more I can't live without my son is to much pain I fail him as a mother me and his father fail him as a parent my so is an angel loving kind caring giving beautiful heart Beautiful Soul

Apr 29, 2016
miss my son
by: dianne

I haven't wrote here 4 a while but had reply nearly 3 yrs without Paul my son I don't think the hurt will ever go away just feel an emptiness inside all's I think we can do is carry our sons or daughters in our hearts and one day who knows we might see them again my thoughts are with u all here this site helped me as I didn't feel so alone to think it wasn't just me others felt how I did the poem well words express how we feel and the words hit me rite there lovely big hugs to u all x 

Apr 25, 2016
When does the hurt stop
by: Doreen UK

Hi Robbie,
Sorry for some crossover in my reply to you. It is dianne who has the grandchild and not you. APOLOGIES FOR THIS MISTAKE.

Apr 25, 2016
When does the hurt stop
by: Doreen UK

Robbie the hurt will eventually stop. But for now you can help yourself by NURTURING yourself with all good things. Using Positive re-in-forcing thoughts that you ARE NOT TO BLAME for your son's death. There will always be " IF ONLY'S" Do not beat yourself up with self doubt. See yourself as being the loving mother and doing your best. See yourself as being blessed by getting custody of your grandchild. Be the best grandmother you can be. This way you will be leaving a legacy to your grandaughter of how special her father was and don't be afraid to say you miss him.
Resist the urge to believe or listen to people who have nothing positive to contribute to your grief support. There will always be people who think they know better and only offer up caustic remarks to hurt you. CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN OR BELIEVE WHAT OTHER'S SAY.
Encourage yourself OFTEN. This way you are building yourself up. This will also help you build up your grandaughter and she won't pick up on your grief. When we have no one to encourage us we can do this for ourselves.
You may hurt for a long long time. But take one day at a time. Be good to yourself and show your grandaughter the strength you have inside of you that is going to help you move forward with her and see her as the comfort you both need now. May God comfort you through your grief.

Apr 24, 2016
when does the hurt stop
by: robbie

i read the letters on this page i lost my son august 4th 2013.no reason with him on the saturday sunday was gone he complained of feeling dizzy.said he would lie down .couldnt get him on the sunday so got help .no drugs involved or alachol.but since this found out a lot about s a d and c.r.y. sudden death .that cause cant be detrmined at postmortem so left with un ascertained cause of death.i blamed myself for not going back on the saturday .i cry and cant seem to move on .so this is after 2years 8 months .people were quick to make commments without knowing the facts of him dying and it hurt me deeply . couldnt cope where i worked as my son worked there as well .but not a day passes that i dont think of spencer i know it will get easier its just when .but big part of my life gone as a mam .my young son kept me going without him would have been impossible to go on

Jan 18, 2016
Missing my son.
by: Anonymous

It will be 3 years mid February that our son was murdered. He was driving home from work and a lunatic high on bath salts was driving shooting at drivers. Our son was stopped at a traffic light when his life was cut short at just 28 years old. He was a responsible hard working young man. He was scheduled to return to school in the fall for his MBA. He was looking forward to having a family...the list could go on but sadly none of his dreams will be. There is not a day that I don't feel the loss. The man who murdered my child was sentenced to life in prison for which I'm grateful for but the anger still remains. I don't have my son. The defense used mental illness as their reason the defendant did what he did. Clearly due to his drug use he most likely has some diminished mental abilities but true mental illness I highly doubt. I think this gives the public reassurance that only mentally ill people kill others which is incorrect. Most mentally ill do not kill others. Most mentally ill kill themselves. This man did not have a history of mental illness but upon looking at his records he did display some behaviors that most parents would see alarming. His parents were never married and his father and step mother had filed for divorce. Clearly this man had no parental guidance and was never made accountable for his actions. He proceeded to drop out of school and never had a lot going for him. When people use mental illness as an excuse this is so very wrong. We clearly have an issue with our mentally ill in society but we also have a issue with parents not parenting their young. Kids need guidance and need to be taught from a young age how to treat people. This man had no regard for human life and thought rules never applied to him. We as a family have paid dearly for his actions and there is not a day that goes by that we are not reminded of our son not here with us. We have a life sentence.

Dec 03, 2015
thoughts are with us all
by: Anonymous

To all us here my thoughts are with you all for our loss I just wanted to thank-you all for sharing your comments as I know they help us feel so not alone .At times I I come back to this site especially when it's a little bit raw again it sort of helps to know I'm not the only one living the nightmare that I wish I could wake up from and give our children no matter how old a big hug and kiss .I just wanted to say thank-you for being here from one parent to another x

Dec 03, 2015
missing u just 2 much x
by: Anonymous

I,m here again this time of the year especially wishing u was saying was u getting me ma its the 3rd Xmas without u son and ure never out my thoughts u never will be .I wish this emptiness I feel since u been gone would just fill a little I hope I'm doing u proud son and u in a beautiful place I miss u each n very day Paulie and ile love u until the day I hopefully get to give you the biggest hug love u Paulie sleep tite love mum x

Dec 03, 2015
miss my son so much
by: Doreen UK

Dianne I am so sorry for your loss of your son and what this grief is still doing to you. Your son was so young and had his whole life before him. Sadly when a relationship breaks down the hurt can be so deep that one does something that could not be reversed. Your son's state of mind caused him to go off the rails and whilst he may not have meant to end his life he was trying to end his pain which caused him to lose his life. One year on the pain can still feel so raw.
Just like you I couldn't imagine my life without my husband in it and I felt scared to think about it so dismissed it from my mind. Then my husband was diagnosed with the most devastating terminal cancer. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died in May 2012. My world crashed and I could not function for 6 months. I nurtured myself each day with good things till I was able to one day wake up and my world started changing. That raw pain and painful world I was in started to feel normal again. I thought I would never recover. But I did and this should give Hope to everyone that this is a grief you have to bear and walk through whichever way you do it which is different for everyone. But know it is only TIME that we have on our side and each day we are a day closer to recovering from our grief. It is THE most PAINFULL experience we will ever go through in our life. I look at my son now and wonder the same thing. "I can't imagine my life without my son it." Life is painful because we know we are going to lose people from it, and in the end they will lose us and have to face such pain. But we gain perspective. WE can value the people we have left in our life and make the best memories we can for them and for us. This is what keeps me going. I wish You a Peaceful Christmas, and a New Year that will be better and help you find healing and Love.

Dec 03, 2015
miss my son so much
by: Doreen UK

Dear broken hearted I am so sorry for your loss of your son, and how it is making you feel which I can say is very normal. It is far too soon to start to be able to feel any different than what you feel now. This season is hard on all who have lost a close loved one at this time of year. To have lost one's life through murder is a grief that needs specialist care and nurturing in order to recover better which may be a long time. There is no time frame to recovery from grief, and the type of death affects very much the recovery time from grief. It is important to nurture yourself at this time and give yourself all the time you need to feel what you need to feel even if this is not popular with other people who may tell you that you should be moving forward by now. None of us knows the answer to how long we should be grieving and so should no one else tell you anything different.
It is so easy and part of grief to look too far forward and all you see is this mountain you have to climb, and before long you will find yourself failing to have the strength to go on, or climb this mountain. All you have to do is to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. After 3 1/2 yrs. of grief I can still only TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I don't look too far forward because I don't know what each day will bring. All I know is that each day is different. You will have good days and bad days. Remember that the bad days don't last. They come and they PASS.
After my loss I took to the couch for 6 months and could not function at all. I lost all motivation to do anything. In those 6 months I nurtured myself. It was after these 6 months that I started seeing the clouds lift and I felt different, like my old self. It was then I had the Hope to go on ONE DAY AT A TIME. I DON'T plan my future. My future is the NEXT DAY, AND then the day after that if I live to see another day. It may be a long time before I can plan my life. But for now I am content where I am. You too will find the strength to go on however long it may take. Try and put as many good things in your life to help you go through each day. IT WORKS. You may never get over losing your son, but in time you will find the strength to go on in life and the hurt will stop. This is our recovery from grief. When the hurting stops. May you be comforted each day.

Dec 01, 2015
broken heart
by: Anonymous

My son was murdered a year ago. All I do is think about him and call out his name when the pain gets too much. I can't think of the future as that means he will not be part of it and the past life I had with him gets further and further away.

My son was my only number one son.

Aug 10, 2014
my son also!
by: Jacquie

Wow, I see here I am not alone. I also lost my sweet son (original post "Ryan Michael Robert Stanley,28) Ryan to heroin addiction and asthma. Ryan was a severe asthmatic since he was 3. He had been admitted to the hospital for treatment over 40 times by the time he was 14. I am a nurse so he had the best of care, his asthma was just so severe. Anyway, as I never could have imagined, he became addicted to that evil drug heroin somewhere in his mid twenties. He battled hard but I guess it was just to big for him. May 1st of this year, 2014, he came to my husband gasping for air, telling his dad "overdose, call 911". He was hammering away on his inhaler when he collapsed on our kitchen floor and stopped breathing. (I was in Tennessee at my daughters home visiting) I believe that his actual death was caused by an asthma attack but brought on by heroin usage. I just can't believe this horrible, horrible affliction is taking the lives of so many of our young people and leaving their families and loved ones to flounder in an unbearable nightmare of pain and loss. Something must change! I wish to God I knew what could be done to make this STOP! My love and continuing prayers go out to all who miss their children. I know the depths of their despair. Keep reaching out.... there are many who care.

May 04, 2014
a hug to each and evryone here
by: dianne

My thoughts are with each and every person on this site I had to reply to say thank you to you all for your responses and big hugs to you all thank you for your replies they helped e get threw the tears and heart ache pain anger confusion the emotional roller coaster we all seem to travel I will never get over my loss of Paul but he will always be in my heart and my love for him will never fade my thoughts are with you all big hugs to you all and thank you xxxx

Apr 02, 2014
missing your son
by: Jolynn

no words will comfort you really. You just want your son back. I too lost my 26yr old son last year. He was an officer in the Marines. Had his pilots license already and was training to be a fighter plot He was a very accomplished young man...one belt rom black in military martial arts, was a pro marksman and was funny and outgoing. I tell you this because in spite of all his success he succumbed, first, to oxycontin then to Heroin as oxycontin got too expensive on the street. $80.00 a pill vs. $5.00 a bag for Heroin. When it comes to drugs, it cuts all across the line in terms of who is caught in its grip. It doesn't mater what you do or how good a parent you were, it gets a stranglehold on these young people as that suits their chemistry and they are probably self-medicating. My son may have had stressors that overwhelmed him. Possibly so did your son. You could not help him even though you wish to God you could have. We were shocked to learn that instead of flight training, he was in rehab. He came home, still on active duty and that's when I found out that he was using Heroin. We immediately put him in Betty Ford. He completed 2 months an horrendous detox but was looking more like his old self but then I got a call that he'd been kicked out because he'd hooked up with a girl. He came home but relapsed so we put him in a motel which is where he died 2 weeks later. My heart is broken and I suffered from horrible nightmares at first. I sleep with his shirt. He was such a light in my life and now nothing else matters. My life has forever changed. I wish you peace and love and healing.

Jan 31, 2014
Lost my Amanda in New Jersey
by: Anonymous

I am so sad for you.For my family too. I know how you feel exactly. My daughter died May 2013. Her last 2 boyfriends were losers.She dropped out of college 2x. suffered from depression and bipolar. Heroin was just what did her in. I too thought I should have been there, done more. But in reality we did everything possible. At least you have his daughter. My pretty Amanda never got the chance too marry and have any. I too believe she didn't want to die. They just wanted the high.how stupid and horrible. I do have her beloved pet chihuahua to cuddle with.She also left behind a lovely 16 yr old sister. They are very different and hopefully Alexa will never Go To Drugs. My prayers are with you!😥

Jan 21, 2014
Diane, your son
by: Anonymous

I lost my son to a heroin overdose in April 2013. Its been nine months, and I still wonder how I could of helped him more. I have a sister who a recovering alcoholic and deals with people on heroin. She said that its hard to help them, that it gets such a grip that their life is misery unless they are high. My sons frame of mind on that last day of his life must of been crazy. I know he didn't want to die, but somehow on that day, I don't think he cared. It has been such an awful thing to deal with. I miss him everyday, and just wished he had never taken that evil drug. I loved him and miss him so much, and all I can say is we'll have good days and bad days. We have to live with it, but its so hard. I'm sorry for your loss. And everyone who has lost a child to addiction. Its truly a disease.

Jan 21, 2014
Prayers
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous. I am sorry for your loss of your mother 2 weeks ago. You gave such a mature response that is so very helpful to many of us. "You did your Best." with the knowledge you had. This is all any of us can do, but it is helpful to acknowledge this. We often cannot prevent anyone's death. BUT. even if we could have done more, or said more. or been more available we gain nothing by beating ourselves up or punishing ourselves forever. Our loved one's are at peace and cannot be hurt anymore by life. We owe it to ourselves to not keep hurting but find a way out of the pain of grief we have been left holding from our losses by co-operating with grief. LET GRIEF HEAL US. Cry, get counselling if this is the best way forward. But do something or anything to make each day better for ourselves. Because life is tough. Rough. Hard. Painful. Put better things in our life each day if we can. We owe it to ourselves.

Jan 20, 2014
thankyou
by: dianne

Thank you to all who commented on my page your words seem to help as I do not feel so alone we all have good and bad days but our loved ones I feel are watching over us all and will be thought of and missed each and everyday hopefully we will see them again on the other side my thoughts are with you all x

Jan 20, 2014
Feel so alone
by: Doreen UK

Josie I am sorry for your loss of your entire family that leaves you all alone. I am happy to hear that your daughter got a miraculous recovery. Having children and grandchildren will be such a comfort to you. God says he will not leave us comfortless. To lose one's entire family is such a lonely and painful place to be and you must wonder how you will recover from such a loss. God is in control and will not let us suffer more than we can bear, even though it often feels as if our sorrow is overflowing. Find comfort in your children and grandchildren to help you carry on each day. Also lean harder into God and allow Him to carry you through this valley of sorrow. I hurt from losing my husband to cancer 20 months ago, and I still struggle with loneliness. We can only do so much to help ourselves, and very often we just have to sit it out each day until life changes. But we will be fractured forever and only God can heal us from this. There is nothing worse than being in emotional pain all the time. May God meet you where you are in your grief and give you his comfort and Peace.

Jan 19, 2014
feel so alone
by: Josie

I understand your pain I had 3 brothers and I was the youngest a girl. My dear Mother was an alcoholic & I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I am 53yrs old & am divorced from an abusive husband that my mother allowed me to go live with @ the age of 14yrs old. To make it short I lost two of my brothers from drinking it was a horrible death my oldest brother died from a brain stem stroke. I have lost all my siblings plus my parents I am the only one left out of my family. When my daughter was 14yrs old she suffered a cerebral hemorrhage the only the that saved her was that she was @ work w/me. We were told she was not going to survive & if she did she would remain a vegetable. By the grace of our dear Lord he gave us a miracle she had brain surgery and she survived. Even though I have my 4 children & grandchildren it hurts everyday my last brother dying on Mother's day 2013. Like you there are days where I don't want to participate in anything & I have anger that their lives were cut so short when there is help out there. But I've cone to realize no matter how much we try to help them we cannot blame ourselves or feel guilt. I pray everyday for God to get me through the day, next minute. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find peace because your son is always with you. That's how I cope my faith tells me I am surrounded by my love ones as my guardian angels now.

Jan 18, 2014
miss my son so much
by: Doreen UK

Dianne I am so sorry for your loss of your young son to a drug's overdose. Your son may not have been in his right mind when he took that lethal cocktail that took his life.
When I first heard the news that my husband had one of the worst cancer's my heart broke and I couldn't cope with the news. My world crumbled then. this was five years ago. He got cancer in 2009 and died 20 months ago after a 3yrs battle with terminal lung cancer caused by working with asbestos so common here in the UK. Grief is the worst experience to go through. The body, heart, and mind hurt. If you find grief so unbearable you may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. My sister had to have a counsellor come to her house and pick her up when she lost her 30yrs. old son 8yrs. ago. He was on prescription medication for depression that caused suicidal tendencies and he threw himself in front of an express train. A death that tore our family apart. That counselling helped put my sister back together to at least cope with life better. I have 3 Adult children and couldn't bear to lose any one of them. I would be crushed and broken forever. I still feel the heavy burden of grief and coping alone with making decisions and being responsible for the home and it's upkeep. Taking one day at a time helped me. I still can only take one day at a time. I haven't been able to move beyond this. I wish you better days ahead and the Comfort of God to take you through this grief journey.

Jan 17, 2014
Prayers
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for the loss of your son. It seems like you are stuck in the cycle of blame(if only you knew) this often time is part of grief. Only if we were there or if we only knew we could of prevented our loves ones death. It plays over and over in our minds. It looks like you could benefit from a grief counselor to help you through this process. I lost my mother two weeks ago and I have the same cycle but I know I did the best I could under the circumstances and with the knowledge I had.Continue to write and we will all support you in here. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless!

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