Miss you mammy <3
Hi My names Niamh and I'm 17, I've recently lost my mother, 3 months ago today. 14th April 2012 @ 6:35pm. I really don't no what to say on here, I just feel numb. I feel like I shouldnt be on here I don't no why.
It was a really rainy day and we had had a thunder storm that morning and I remember hearing her being sick, I thought she picked the bug up from my nephews but.. Obviously not. She had been sick for years and I never really understood her until recently. She had sorosis of the Liver 4 or 5 years back and lost a lot of weight and almost lost her. She recovered and hoped back into great form until she was diagnosed with Diabetes. She had to inject herself with insulin 3 times a day and really struggled with the whole thing. Well a year ago my grandfather died and she really took it hard, I remember thinking to myself at one point 'it's been 6
Months you think she'd be over it?' but now, from my experience I regret those words. She had had 2 rough weeks and was getting pretty sick and tierd and refused to go to hospital- she was pretty much sick of them at this stage. But on this day me and my dad had enough and phoned an
Ambulance. I remember it so well, she was struggling to breath and kept saying niamhy niamhy and my heart was beating so fast I didn't no what was wrong. I could hear the ambulance coming around the corner and she asked me to get her house coat and slippers, I put them on her and say her up. But she did something strange she lay back down and started screaming 'daddy daddy daddy' and she hadnt talked about my grandad in a while.The ambulance arrived and I sat in the spare room, I watched them wheel her out on a chair thing, and they kept telling her to keep still cause she kept fitcheting. I followed them downstairs and waited at the door were I saw her go in and saw her big brown eyes for the last time. I saw my dad go in the ambulance doors and come straight out, at that stage my eldest brother arrived he's 29. I didn't no what was going on and a crowd started hovering around the house. I asked my brother what was going on and he said her heart stopped. I think I was nearly sick. I thought she was just messing doing a special trick. Another ambulance arrived and that was the one to shock her I think I'm not to sure. The ambulance drove off with my
Dad in it and my other brother arrived in his car he's 25, the 3 of us drove to the hospital
And we were put in a waiting room. 15 minutes past and we were told that she wasn't responding and if we wanted to see there working on her we could. So we walked up to the room and my
Eldest brother put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it and I took a deep breath. In I went and saw my mother, laying on a table with a big machine
Over her and 5 or 6 people around us I've never been more scared in my
Life, I thought I was going to collapse! I saw my dad crying and didn't no what to do but stand there and watch her, pale, lifeless face. After nearly an hour we decided to stop reviving her as we knew she wasn't coming back. That was is it. Gone within seconds. 6:35. The nurses were saying 'sorry' but I felt like saying for what!? I lost my best friend the person I saw everyday the only woman I ever had to tell everything too, to go into her room and have a cuddle and a bitch :( the 4 days passed, and people came and went over the funeral days.
And here I am 3 months on and I feel like I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with all the men and nothing to relate to. I am so lucky to have my dad he'sy everything but I just really need my mammy at this stage I can't deal with it all. I graduated from school 1 month after she died and Ive never felt so empty in my heart and body. I laugh and joke about things and push it off but I feel like my heart has been ripped open. I'm starting college in september and I am so scared of not having her there. My house is empty without her and I walk in her room and see her stuff and feel lost. I look at her pictures and Its as if I can feel her soft skin on my face when she hugged me but it's not real. I can't deal with the not hearing her voice and hearing the ' you'll always by baby' it's not right. I shouldn't have to deal with this now. I can't believe il never call 'mammy' and she won't answer back. I was her only daughter and she was my mother and I am truly lost. I need her back. I no I have aunties but they are not her, I have my brothers and friends, and I am lucky to have support but I'm not there no1 that might sound selfish but I feel left out, they have there own life's
And I do get slightly jealous when I see them go out with there mams getting clothes and talking to them. I shouldn't and try not too, but it's hard. I just really want it back and I can't believe it.
My mother gone? My first best friend, the person I trusted the most. I have lost half
Of myself. I don't no what I'm going to get out of posting this on here but I had to write something