Miss you so much and hope I will see you again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My mum passed on the 3rd of November 2010 after a long battle with mental illness. She took her own life, she was 59. I couldn't go to her funeral as I couldn't bear it, there has been a lot of abuse in my family and I couldn't stand to hear people say how wonderful my mum was when in life they treated her like dirt.

I went to the chapel of rest to see her and then went to the cemetery when everyone else had gone to pay my respects and say goodbye. I am my mums first born I am 35, so as a kid I was always there for mum, trying to look after her, but I admit the last few years I found her illness difficult to deal with.

My mum and I always had a special bond, we had many great times together, sometimes we would laugh so hard we would have tears, she always wanted me to be happy and I feel I have completely let her down. Sometimes I want to be with her so badly but I'm not as brave as to take my own life. I feel wracked with guilt and this feels like a nightmare that I haven't awoken from. I hope there is an afterlife so I can see her again and tell her how much I love her, my mum may have had dark periods in her life but when she was well she was the best mum you could ever ask for, I miss her so much xxx

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Mar 31, 2012
She loved you so very much
by: Anna Maria

I looked at posts on this site because it is the anniversary of my mother's death. It has been many years, but I miss her still.
Anyway, I am a mother myself. My son is 25 and my daughter is 20. I suffer from fairly severe mental illness. That is why I write to you.
I know that your mother was so deeply touched by your love for her, despite her illness. My daughter loves me too and we have wonderful times together, but she has many conflicted feelings over having a mentally ill mother. Nevertheless, I know that your mother was deeply touched by your love because I am so deeply touched by my daughter's love.
It is hard being mentally ill. But you know that so intimately. I am so sorry for that. It is terribly hard to love someone and have to deal with a cloud of illness over them, and to have to deal with such a death. Please take care of yourself, nurture yourself, validate your feelings (even and especially the uncomfortable ones, especially, but not exclusively anger) and seek some help from friends or professionals if it starts to overwhelm you. You are entitled to that.
In closing, please forgive the repetition, but please know that your mother loved you and that her death was due to overwhelming feelings driven by illness. It had nothing to do with you. Nothing. I know - I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and spirit and I have struggled with such thoughts. They can overwhelm someone such that the pain takes control. It is an illness. And it stinks. But it truly has nothing whatsoever to do with the love of mother for her daughter. I wish you support and love and peace in time.

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