My mother died two years ago. She was 50 years old. She tried to commot suicide by opening a big gas bottle in her closed up car and enhaling the gas, but according to her it did not work well enough and she flicked a lighter...and set herself on fire. She did not die that day, but she had severe burn wounds, even inside her throat and lungs. When me and my sister got to her at the hospital, she looked very different...her face and,ears and mouth were swollen almost twice its size and there was white ointment on her face. Her hands were in bandages, also other parts of her body. She looked like she was very uncomfortable and in very much pain. That was the last time I talked to her. That night she was taken to another hospital and the next time I saw her, her whole face and most of her body was bandaged, and there was pipes in her nose and throat and everywhere. They kept her sedated, because the pain was too intense for her and when she awoke she tried to rip out the oxygen pipes. She could no longer breath on her own. She had n skin transplant, which got infected and gave her a very high fever. She died twelve days after her accident. Because of the fever and the infection and because her body did not respond to the medication they gave her. The day she died, I did not feel much. I cried, because my family all cried and I felt it was expected, but it felt forced so I stopped. I was just so sad for my little brother and my younger sister. I wish I could tell my whole life story and portray what our family is like, and everything that had happened over the years and why we are such broken people, but that would take forever. All I know is today, now that I realise she really is not coming back, I cabbot handle it. And neither can my father. He tried to kill himself about a month ago, in the exact manner my mom did - with a gas bottle in his car. Me and my sister found him before it was too late. This story might sound crazy, I know it does to me...but this is my life...I read this blog and I see so many people died of diseases. And I wonder why my mom left us for no reason? How could she just leave us? I wish everyday that I had done more to prevent her from feeling as unloved and alone as she must have felt. And I beg of any one who still has their mother, to be kind to her and to support her, and never ever abandon her, because a mother is the only one in the world who loves you without having to learn how to. A mother loves you even before she knows you. She loves you because you lived inside her before she gave you to the world. I'm not a mother yet and I don't think I ever will be, because I have a sickness...but sometimes I wish that I had my own little child to love, but then I remember what my mother did and I am scared to death that I may end up like her.