by christina
(south africa)

My mother died two years ago. She was 50 years old. She tried to commot suicide by opening a big gas bottle in her closed up car and enhaling the gas, but according to her it did not work well enough and she flicked a lighter...and set herself on fire. She did not die that day, but she had severe burn wounds, even inside her throat and lungs. When me and my sister got to her at the hospital, she looked very different...her face and,ears and mouth were swollen almost twice its size and there was white ointment on her face. Her hands were in bandages, also other parts of her body. She looked like she was very uncomfortable and in very much pain. That was the last time I talked to her. That night she was taken to another hospital and the next time I saw her, her whole face and most of her body was bandaged, and there was pipes in her nose and throat and everywhere. They kept her sedated, because the pain was too intense for her and when she awoke she tried to rip out the oxygen pipes. She could no longer breath on her own. She had n skin transplant, which got infected and gave her a very high fever. She died twelve days after her accident. Because of the fever and the infection and because her body did not respond to the medication they gave her. The day she died, I did not feel much. I cried, because my family all cried and I felt it was expected, but it felt forced so I stopped. I was just so sad for my little brother and my younger sister. I wish I could tell my whole life story and portray what our family is like, and everything that had happened over the years and why we are such broken people, but that would take forever. All I know is today, now that I realise she really is not coming back, I cabbot handle it. And neither can my father. He tried to kill himself about a month ago, in the exact manner my mom did - with a gas bottle in his car. Me and my sister found him before it was too late. This story might sound crazy, I know it does to me...but this is my life...I read this blog and I see so many people died of diseases. And I wonder why my mom left us for no reason? How could she just leave us? I wish everyday that I had done more to prevent her from feeling as unloved and alone as she must have felt. And I beg of any one who still has their mother, to be kind to her and to support her, and never ever abandon her, because a mother is the only one in the world who loves you without having to learn how to. A mother loves you even before she knows you. She loves you because you lived inside her before she gave you to the world. I'm not a mother yet and I don't think I ever will be, because I have a sickness...but sometimes I wish that I had my own little child to love, but then I remember what my mother did and I am scared to death that I may end up like her.

Comments for miss

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Apr 23, 2012
i greive for you
by: Anonymous

I grieve for you. I love my mommy so much and would hate to see her die.she has a very very likely chance of having cancer though so I am with her alot, not because I am afraid she will die but because she is my best friend and I would do anything to keep her happy and loved.

Apr 19, 2012
to vickie
by: christina

Vickie, thank you so much for your comment. You are right, my mom was ill, mentally, she went to a mental hospital twice, but each time she was discharged she seemed more depressed, apathic, there were times she did not take a bath or even eat. I knew the second time before she did what she did, that she was sick, I could see it, but she did not live in the same town as me at that time, and the last few months when I phoned her she did not pick up her phone and she did not come to visit anymore. I had no idea she was planning to kill herself, I thought she had abandoned me, you see, my mom and dad was separated and my mom dated a young black man, he was younger than me, and we as her family could not accept that. We knew she was sick and we knew she was trying to spite us by being with him. She chose him and alcohol over us, we begged of her to give it up and come be with us, be a family , and she just said no. Sometimes I really wonder if she ever loved us?? And then there are times I can remember, when I felt her love. Now that she is gone, I seem to remember only the good things, almost like I put her on a pedestal and see her as an angel. And I look forward to seeing her again in heaven. Thank u for caring. Regards, christina

Apr 18, 2012
A prayer for you..
by: Vickie

Christina, I wish I could reach across the miles and seas that distance us. I would give you a very big hug. My heart goes out to you a thousand times over. I have read several stories from here and all of them touch me. Your story hit me hard. I lost my beautiful daughter in 2009-she had just turned twenty-six. I Miss her like crazy. After she had passed and a few days had gone by I thought to myself- what could be worse than losing your child? Not long after that a friend of mine lost her daughter to suicide. I realized that this was even more devestating. My daughter had an accident but hers chose to die. I know that it must have tormented her from the day she found her. I can only imagine how many times she has asked herself why and asked herself why she didn't see it coming? Your mom's death Isn't your fault honey. She was suffering and she was ill. Mentally not well. I don't know her history but she was obviously not in her right frame of mind. Sometimes depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, or it can be triggered by an incident. Like when you found your dad trying to take his life because of your moms. I don't think any of us really ever mean to take our parents for granted. We are all busy just trying to live our lives and find our way. People often get busy and without meaning to, forget how important telling those they love -how much they love and appreciate them. I am sorry that you have to live your life remembering what your mother did and how it ended. I hope that you have some good memories of her, even one. Try and think of that when all the dark ones come to you. When you are missing her. I don't think that anyone truly wants to die but that they are suffering often in silence and they want the suffering to stop. You said your family was broken. I come from a family that is broken ,but I am doing my best to change that. I cannot fix everything but I can try and give hope to those that are still here. Your young and I don't know your whole story ,but know that there is Hope and there are people that care. Coming here is one place. I don't know if you have support groups in your area? Something to look into? Your mother is a part of you and always will be but You are still very much your own being. I pray with time you will find some peace and brighter days.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers,


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