by Sarah

I lost my partner of two years 3 weeks ago. The funeral was only yesterday and I feel like I have taken a few steps back. John was a wonderful person and we were planning our wedding for this August. He was only 35yrs old when he died of a metastatic melanoma. No one knew that he had it and John didn't know either. I am finding it extremely hard to cope at the moment but I have to lead some sort of normal life for my 4yr old son. I am taking it one day at a time and I have my wonderful parents supporting me although I don't have the same support from John's parents, I understand that they are greiving too but at the funeral yesterday they never asked me if I was ok but instead sat with one of John's ex girlfriends all afternoon. I felt like such an outsider, I appreciate that I was only in their son's life for the last two years but I was the one who was greiving for him not the ex. I might sound harsh but their relationship ended 7 yrs ago. I felt so angry and upset with them that they preferred to talk to her rather than me.
This is making the battle more harder for me when I don't have the support of John's parents.
I hope this gets better for me....

Comments for Miss

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Apr 27, 2013
I Understand What You're Going Through
by: Sonja

I am so sorry for your loss and understand the pain you're feeling.

My boyfriend, of four years, passed away April 1st of this year. Like you, I have been "left out" for the most part.

Felix and I had a very unique relationship (as each relationship is) and wasn't conventional by most standards due to a number of issues. He tended to be fiercely independent and kept most people at a distance... including the his only remaining family (an aunt, her children and a brother). He would've been closer to his brother, but he lived out of state.

At any rate, I was the ONE person he allowed in. While his aunt would take him to an occasional medical visit or bring Sunday leftovers, I was the one who was REALLY there. I was the one Felix wanted there when he took his last breath and I was.

He had made his aunt his legal representative with my being an alternate. This was just the way it was supposed to be for a number of reasons. But, as soon as he passed away, it was like "We sure do appreciate your being such a good FRIEND to Felix and for taking care of him. You were a godsend."

THEN, I was not asked to help plan his memorial service. There are things he wrote down that I was supposed to have and his aunt listed them in Probate, so I have to wait a year... However, they aren't listing other expensive things so they can be sold immediately or taken by the other family members who not close to him.

I'm sorry to go on about my own experience. Hopefully, it helps to know that others go through the same thing as you.

It feels as if I lost my husband, but am not allowed to do the normal things a wife would do... like make decisions, help clean and go through his things. It makes closure seem very difficult... not like the process is quick anyway.

I am so sorry for the way you've been treated. I know it intensifies your grief and pain. In YOUR heart, you know what your relationship meant and how dear you were to him. I know, in the end, that is what matters. Knowing that, in my situation, helps.

You are in my prayers. Take care.

Apr 18, 2013
Gone too soon
by: Sarah

Thank you very much for your comments. It comforts me to know that I'm not the only one going through this awful time. I have apologised to John's parents for my behaviour at the funeral and they are fine with me now, although I haven't heard anything from his sister. I have my good days and bad days, sometimes I can understand why God decided to take John so suddenly from me and othertimes I can't and I just cry and cry.

Apr 11, 2013
your loss
by: Kathe

Im so sorry you lost your mate. Im sorry his family hurt you like they did.People dont think nor act right when death comes but you should have had their support,that's sad and wrong. It will take time to adjust to this loss in your life.Im glad you have your family and I know death is hard and we get many emotions with it so be gentle with yourself.I lost my 39 yr old son in Nov.

Apr 10, 2013
Sharing the same
by: Anthony

I know how you feel - i lost my wife Constance to NSCLC a year ago - her parents and one of her sisters never at any time asked how i was, and after Cons left, they have never once called or checked on whether i am dead or alive - i guess they would prefer me dead - but, i would too, as i will then be able to jon my wife in spirit. Hang in there - somehow, somewhat, someone will come along to help out - it has happened to me - people i least expect too suddenly appeared in my life and took me by the hand to help me out.

Apr 10, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Sarah I am sorry for your loss of your fiancé John to a sudden death. You poor girl we all know what you are going through, and how you feel. It is early days. You have such a positive attitude and you sound as if you are trying to be brave because of your young son. WE try so hard to let others see we are coping when we are dying inside.
I think John's parents should have taken you under their wing and showed some respect towards you as John was going to marry you. Because John's ex was with him for longer perhaps John's parents got used to her and felt comfortable with her. BUT. They should have talked to you and showed you RESPECT. You could always write to them and tell them how you feel and how sad you feel that they didn't acknowledge you at all at the funeral and ask them WHY? You loved their son and was going to marry him, so you would be related. I am glad you have good support in your parents. This does help. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 11 months ago to a deadly cancer and I am feeling the grief more now than the early days. After the funeral you are running around sorting out things and shutting down bank accounts and changing things that it is a nightmare. Because my husband died of an Industrial disease I couldn't get the death certificate. Running back and forth. My husband's had to go through an inquest and the coroner had to deal with the death certificate and he couldn't buried for 20 days. Then I had trouble with my husband's family. It would take too long to write. But it was bad. I had so much to do it is unbelievable. I thought I would never get it all done. It took months. All my sister's came over. Cooked and there was food here every day. Everyone took on one job to do closing my husband's pension, car insurance, etc. so this was a help to me. But I still feel so lost. After the funeral everyone goes off and the phone calls and visits get less and it is then one feels so alone. WE can only cope one day at a time.

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