Missing Bill

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Missing Bill

by Karen
(Simpsonville, SC)

May 30, 2010 I found my best friend and love of my life dead from a heart attack. It seems like a bad dream and I wish I could wake up. I have had many friends and family members try to console me but I still only have terrible agonizing grief. I cry off and on all day. I know this is normal. I'm hoping through this site I can find some peace. I too have much guilt and feel that I took us for granted at times. I thought Bill would always be around. I was so incredibly wrong.

I miss him with all my heart. Fortunately for me 2 days prior to that awful 911 call I made, he looked in my eyes and said "I love you Karen". Little did I know that day that the next time I would see my precious Bill, he would be in a body bag.

I have 4 wonderful daughters and they have been by my side every since he passed. I know that I'm blessed, but want Bill to come back to me. At times I can feel his presence but am still incredibly lost without him. Please help me through this.................

Karen

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Missing Bill

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Life changes
by: MARK

Karen

There are no words that will bring him back. May 30 2006 i lost my true love and best friend. My wife sherry was all i had. Your pain is new and fresh. I would wonder if it was a bad dream. How could she be gone. She was just here. What i did was every day when it got so bad i would pick up my pen and start writing it all down. How i felt, what was in my mind. I would take long walks, some times it would be a ten mile walk. But it would help me get though the day. Take one day at a time. Don't rush it. Don't look at tomorrow. Let tomorrow come to you. Sometimes life does not always go the way we planned it. This is a change of life we did not ask for. Life will not be the same. Talk to others. Get into a group bereavement. It opened my eyes and i saw i was not alone. Again there are no words to make it better or bring him back. But there are people that care.

Your everything
by: Hope

Bill was your everything. You are in the early stages of grief the unbearable pain that seems insurmountable. All the if onlys, regrets, all in the boiling pot called you heart. Around every turn lurks a memory to make the sobbing start. I wish I could take it away it is so painful. you need to get through this awful part of grief before you can heal. Though nothing will replace the love of your life, time will eventually make those memories a nice ones of you two, until then I wish you strength into the journey of grief. HH

I am so sorry
by: Sandy

Karen,

I lost my husband last year, March 5, 2009, the day my life as I knew it ended. I can relate to so many of the things you are feeling. The guilt, the agonizing pain, the longing to see him again. I don't know how I have made it but I have.

Time seems to help you work through the pain. I think the pain is so intense that your brain, your spirit just can't process all of it quickly. It is so sad that we can't go back and say things we wanted to say or undo some of the things we did, but life just doesn't work like that and I think our loved ones know that.

Please hang in there and know that you are not alone, there are so many of us out here, struggling from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment. I will keep you in my prayers.

Missing my Cody too
by: Brenda Mack

Karen, your grief is a fresh as mine. I lost my precious baby boy my son Cody Lee Cole on May 21, 2010. Cody was more than my son he was my friend. Cody was a sick young man from the time of his birth. I will not go into his story here. It is posted on this site.

I too feel guilt about my son. He was homeless and my husband would not let him live with us. I did not fight my husband on this. Luckily Cody was able to live with his mentally challenged cousin. My husband did not like my son calling in the evenings because that cut into "our time" So I told my son not to be calling in the evenings. He called me all day anyway.

Well, on the day he died the told me "something is wrong with my head". I told him to go to the doctor. But because my husband came home I did not try to call my son again. His cousin found him unconscious but just thought he was sleeping. Because she was not aware of the dangers of his diabetes and his other health problems. The next time she check on him she say something coming out of his mouth. He had vomited. She touched him and he was cold and stiff she then called 911. It was too late.

I wonder if he wanted to call me be didn't because he did not want to make my husband mad. I wonder if he was afraid and wanted his Mama. I wonder if I would have left my husband and given him a home would he still be alive. The guilt is overpowering. And the pain is unbearable. I miss my baby. I want him back. He loved me so and would tell he how much he missed me and wished he could see me more.

He only lived an hour away but sometimes 3 months would pass without me seeing him. He was disabled and had very little money and so am I, I only have money that my husband gives me and he would tell me we could not afford to be running to Austin every week. The guilt is great for me because I loved my son with all my heart. So I know what you are feeling now. I do not know if I can help you while I am going through the same thing but they say grief shared is grief diminished. Brenda

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Missing Bill