Missing Heart

My grandmother, 1st cousin, and aunt (mom's sister), 2nd cousin, father, and great aunt have passed in the last two years.

My aunt (60yrs) was okay on thanksgiving then dx Christmas Eve (2013) w/inoperable lung cancer. She contracted pneumonia and infection in hospital. Hospice put her to rest New Year's Eve. My aunt took me in for a bit when my mom abandoned her children. She was my constant savior. Multiple times she had me examined for abuses and fought my mother (courts). I feel as if I'm alone to suffer since she had three biological children who don't seem to understand her impact on others. I know my sister went through these exact feelings w/our grandmother (her foster). My aunt would never have shoved me aside. I was made to leave the hospital room multiple times. I wanted to spend every last minute talking to her. I didn't want hospice involved, but her children felt medical induced coma was better than three weeks of suffering. I wanted to wake and ask her because I'm selfish or not ready...idk...sigh
My grandmother (79yrs) was sick for seven years, but her not being a phone call away hurts still. My cousin was born with bad lungs. I still scream NOT FAIR. The boy whom taught me abcs/123s leaving at 35yrs seems insane. The death of my 2nd cousin was shocking. He dropped of massive heart attack at age 50. My great aunt was the youngest (65yrs) of her siblings (my granny being oldest) stopped breathing in her sleep. My father was obscure so my feelings of sadness are not a life not lived.

I fear for each day. Who is next and when? My life is not filled with a great many loving people. Those I cherish most are leaving in rapid fashion.

I'm sorry for the jumbled nature as my brain struggles to make sense of these words.

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