Missing him every day!!

My husband David passed away on May 3rd, 2013. It all started in October when he was admitted to the hospital for ascites. At that time they gave him a diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver. He did okay for awhile, but then they told us that because of the Hep C and cirrhosis he would need a liver transplant. He went for a two day evaluation process with the transplant team in the middle of February. We seemed to have some hope for his recovery - his nephew even offered to be tested to see if he'd be able to donate part of his liver!! His follow-up appt was on March 5th to get the results, but they called and rescheduled it to Feb 27th. We went in and that's when the doctor informed him that during the MRI they found 2 tumors on his liver and that he wouldn't be a candidate for a transplant!
Wow - from so much hope to this.... The doctor said that he would refer him to the oncologist. We were seen the next day and were informed that there was no treatment due to the size of the tumors and his other issues with his liver. What devastation.. They gave him 3 to 6 months to live.

We were always going on short trips, but during this time, we did more things that he liked to do - weekends away, hockey games. Anything that he wanted. Granted this man had been alcohol free for 6 1/2 years and those years were the best that we had in the 27 years we had been together. We even went to the beach to look for another cottage for vacation in the summer (the one we normally went to had been sold) We just kept trying to be upbeat.

David started getting more tired.. He was in the hospital twice - the 2nd time for a week the 3rd week of April, when they sent him home on a pain pump and hospice started coming to the house. We got him a hospital bed and w/c (I was able to bring him on a walk around the block) His sister in California made plans to come out. I took family medical leave from work to care for him. He continued to get weaker and started not eating. His sister came on May 1st and he was able to visit with her. On May 3rd while all his family was there and I held him in my arms, I told him that it was okay to go. 10 minutes later he was gone..... He only lived for 2 months. What happened to the 3 to 6 months??? There wasn't enough time..... It's been unbearable.... Some days I make it through okay, some are so exhausting. When do the tears end? I have read all about grief and read other people's stories, so I know that things will get better (my head knows that sometimes, but my heart never) On July 3rd it will be 2 months and I don't feel any different than I did 2 months ago. The pain is still so raw and physically draining. I am back to work, but there are days that I can't function and my mind is out in left field. I spent Saturday morning driving around aimlessly because I didn't know what to do. I'm sure other people have had these same experiences as me. How did you get through it? I put on an act when I'm around people especially his family because I don't want them to worry or to make them feel worse than they do, but that's exhausting too.

Anyways, enough venting........

Comments for Missing him every day!!

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Jul 22, 2013
I Want To Comfort You
by: Another Who Cares

I want to comfort you, but I am so grief stricken by my own loss of my husband of 47 years that I can't think of what to say. I am just telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and that eventually I will be able to live again, albeit differently. I try to focus on my gratitude for the time that we had together and for the fact that every year together, our love just grew stronger and we truly cherished each other. Sometimes that helps, but I am crying as I write this. I have never been on a site like this before but I hope it will help both of us. I wish you peace and comfort.

Jul 11, 2013
I feel your loss
by: Mari

I am so sorry and feel for the loss of your beloved husband. I also lost my husband of 25 yrs six months ago. He had a sudden liver attack last November and never came back home. The doctors said he had a bacterial infection of the liver and were treating him with several antibiotics for four weeks. They then decided to remove the "abcess" and when the pathology results came in they all showed liver cancer. He was due to have surgery to remove the right lobe of the liver, but his condition worsened three days prior and the doctors determined that surgery was no longer an option. He died a few days later. The doctors had told my 23 yr old son and I that he had two weeks to two months to live - he was gone within 12 hours. I know exactly how you feel, you look for the light at the end of the tunnel and there is none. What I did for myself and continue to do is read books on grieving, what to expect, how to cope. I'm on my fifth book and trust me it has helped me tremendously. You or I will never forget our loved one, but their passing somehow gets easier as the days and months go by. All you and I can do is to remember and cherish the memories. This was God's will and he will look after you and guide you in these most difficult times. Cry when you feel the need - I do....All the best.

Jul 05, 2013
missing him every day
by: Mari

I am very sorry for your loss. I realize you are grieving and it takes time to get through it. But with the help of the Lord you will. It just takes time, a day at a time. You took wonderful care of him and was there for him when he needed you most.The healing process is not an easy one but with God's help you will make it.
We are here for you and understand what you are feeling because we have been though it too.
My husband passed away Nov 22nt 2009. I woke up one morning and he was beside me in bed and he had already gone to be with the Lord. He had stents put in his heart and did not live long after. He left behind 18 grandchildren and never got to see the great Aubree Dakota Vasquez who is now 2 years old.I think about that because my husband adored his grandchildren who are mostly grown up now.He loved to buy them things and fuss over them and they had a hard time dealing with the loss..The baby Desiree kept saying she wanted her grandpa. I am doing alright with church and work but will always miss him. Someday you will see your loved one again and he will be healthy. God bless you. Mari

Jul 05, 2013
Missing him every day!!
by: David

I am sorry to hear of your loss. My Wife and best friend of 23 years, Melissa, went through almost the same thing as your Husband, with the Ascites, the transplant assessment and the most horrible news of not being able to get a transplant because she was too sick. She was given about 1 week from that day but slipped into a coma after only 2 days but then hung on in a coma for 5 more days before she left.

Yesterday was 8 months since that terrible day, and it feels as if it was yesterday, but it also feels like an eternity since I last saw her and held her.

This has changed me immensely. I now have zero patience, I can't stand to be around people, I feel on the edge of snapping at people or bursting into tears at any moment all the time, I have become very forgetful and lack drive and motivation to do a lot of things.

I have been seeing a psychologist which has been helpful, and a couple of months ago started going on long walks with my Wife's dog, which is also helping me feel a little better.

We both have a long way to go through this horrible process and we will never again be the person we were a year ago.

Best wishes to you
David

Jun 25, 2013
Missing him every day
by: silver

How well do I know your story.My husband died May 29,2011.I just passed the 2 yr mark.We were married for 33 yrs after being friends for 4 yrs.We went out for our anniversary dinner on the 22nd.I woke up to him in the bathroom having trouble breathing two days later.Five days later he was gone.Like your husband he died from a life long bad habit.His was smoking.He had emphysema.The dr told him he had 43% of his lung power left and he MUST quit smoking.Well,he began trying but...too little,too late. He got pneumonia and his oxygen level was critically low in the ER.He was intubated and put in ICU.The pneumonia turned septic and killed his kidneys.The dialysis began killing his heart.To top that off they found a lump in one of his lungs and thought it might be cancer.The second hardest thing I ever did was sign a Do Not Recusitate order.The hardest thing I ever did was tell them to turn off the respirator when they said his body was being poisened from kidney failure and he would only live another day or two at the most.I do thank GOD that I got to hold him and tell him I loved him one last time before he took his last breath.I know some won't believe this but that helped some.Like you I miss him every day.I still cry often but not every day now.I still feel lost most of the time.A part of me is gone & I won't ever get it back.I have begun to get out some.I started walking again-alone like you said.I feel I am blessed though because I had 33 yrs to feel his love.We had our tough times but a lot of good ones.That's what you have to hold onto-the wonderful memories.I talk about him a lot.I write poetry(some here-others have great poems also).I believe I will see him again one day.I believe in a GOD who says that love is the greatest thing of all.I believe that if HE joins a man and woman to become one that HE will not separate them.That they will find each other again.Hope of this is what I send you along with some hugs for when you need them.The people on this site have really helped me.It helps to be able to talk and know you will not be told time is up to stop grieving.May GOD send you strength and peace.

Jun 25, 2013
your grief
by: Lawrence

They buried a very close friend today and at the burial ground I went to see my wife’s grave, she died six months ago and I wept bitter tears that beneath this mound of soil lay my beloved sweetheart with just a name tag to show who she is.
We spent seventy years together and the agony of her loss deepens as every day passes, so I know how you are feeling.
You had a very rough time seeing your beloved husband slowly die, I was so lucky my wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next she was dead.
I wish I could give you some words of consolation but nothing I say will make the slightest bit of difference, we all have to go through the same agony and devastation of losing the person we loved more than life itself, read all our stories they will help to know you are not alone and people all over the world are praying for the good Lord to give you some relief and comfort.
Lawrence

Jun 25, 2013
missing him
by: Anonymous--Mi

I, like the others, feel your grief and I know how you feel also. I am in the 7th month of this sad journey. My husband died of a Sudden Cardiac Arrest last Nov 2012. The roller coaster ride we are on is a hard one--at the time we don't expect it-- a huge wave of grief comes crashing in on us and brings us to our knees. Sometimes when I am shopping in a store that my husband and I always went to or getting gas in my car I feel anew the pain of my loss. My husband and I were rarely apart and I so miss being with the one and only love of my life. I think of him constantly and of the 43 plus yrs were married. My heart is crushed. In all of this I have leaned on God--He is my only hope of getting thru' the minutes and hours---I can't think past today---one day at a time is all I can manage with God's help. I want to be able to give encouragement and good news about this road we are on but I realize too, that I am early in my grief to feel any rays of sunshine. I have my adult children and grandchildren and I know God has blessed me with them. I have to hold on to God for them and for my sanity as He is the only help I have. God Be with us all.

Jun 25, 2013
Missing him every day!!
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. I can identify with how you feel and to be caught up in some madness called grief where some days you will be fine and the next strange things will happen. As you say you have to put on an act so people don't notice anything weird. For me it is being MOST FORGETFUL. I went to bandage my daughter's arm today after she fell when getting out of the car. I was all fingers and thumbs and acted as if I had never done this before. I can feel so stupid at times as if this is all a dream and I am acting in it. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago to a deadly cancer caused by working with a deadly substance in the workplace and he suffered a slow painful death. In our case we didn't want to know how much time he had. Doctors can get it so wrong. With an aggressive cancer my husband lived 3yrs.39days. This is a miracle in itself, but a painful one because of the quality of life being so bad and prolonged. I can't get past these memories. I had a bad day yesterday. The worst I have had so far. It is almost like an eternity now of suffering this loss. I have been told it gets better and I don't doubt it will. But it is so much sorrow getting to that point in the future.
Today I planned to do gardening. But I can't get motivated. The only good point is that I don't have to do anything if I don't feel like it. I claim some of these freedoms as a Blessing. Grief has assaulted my body and I am in so much physical pain whilst my head is clear. Finding something to do each day helps me. When I have accomplished this it feels good and I don't have to feel I am grieving all the time. It comes when it will and this is all we can do but to have a good Cry. Come back here often because when your read other posts and respond it somehow puts everything into perspective and we don't feel so alone and hopeless. 2 months is too early for you to feel different. Just keep HOPE alive that you will get betters days ahead. This helps me SURVIVE.

Jun 24, 2013
missing him every day
by: Mari

I am very sorry for your loss. I realize that it has been recent and there is a grieving process to go through.My prayers are with you.
It is so hard to lose someone you love.I know it seems like you will never recover but in time you will. Trust in the Lord to be with you. It is a day by day process, this healing.
I lost my husband with 3 1/2 years ago and am doing better. I still miss him.He had a heart condition. He was terribly sick the last year.
Keep posting as there are many caring people on this website. It helps to talk to others about how you are feeling. God bless you.

Jun 24, 2013
Missing him everyday
by: Allison

I so know what you're going through. These are still early days for you. Believe it or not, you are still in shock and this just gradually wears off over a much longer time. I am 20 months along this horrible path and just lately do I start to feel a new normal. All I can say is just try to take it one day at a time. Try not to protect others' feelings by pretending everything is okay 'cause it's not. Also, be really selfish and do whatever you want. This is the most fragile time of your life and you really need to look out for you. Hard to believe right now but you will feel better so try to take heart in that. The grifef never leaves us but morphs into a much more manageable entity over time. I am so sorry for your loss and your story struck a special note since your horrible day was my husband's birthday. He would have been 65. This site has been a real help to me and I hope you will find some solace in this shared experience. Take really good care of yourself.

Jun 24, 2013
Praying for you.
by: Jonie

I know exactly how you feel. It's been 3 1/2 years that I lost my husband. We were together for 37 years, married 33 years. It will get somewhat better as time goes on but you will always have the hole in your heart. The tears will probably never go away. You just have to learn how to live your life differently. Lean on your family and if you have children keep yourself busy with them. I'm not going to lie, its not easy, I struggle still with his loss. It took me 2 1/2 years before I realized I needed to go to grief counseling, I did and it helped to talk to other people that had lost their spouses. When my husband was battling his cancer and two stem cell transplants, I always told him lets take it one day at a time..... This is so soon for you with your loss, don't be hard on yourself, you will greive for him forever but you will learn how to go on without him, one day at a time. Prayers to you.

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