Missing him is unbearably painful

by ssg

My husband of 30 years died April 18th,2013 of lung cancer. He went into the hospital for a pain pump which was supposed to take 2 days and then he was to return home. Something went terribly wrong after a CAT scan and his body began shutting down. I couldn't believe it when he took his last breathe. We thought we had more time. We thought he was coming back home. Life is unbearably lonely and painful. I miss him every minute of everyday. I can't believe this is my life. We were not separate but 5 days in those 30 years. There is a void,an emptiness in my life and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. We planned to grow old together sitting on our front porch watching our granddaughter and now I am alone. I long to feel my hand in his, to see his smiling eyes, to laugh at his sense of humor and feel safe at home in his strong arms. He was my life, my rock.

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Jul 17, 2013
lost forever--Maria
by: Anonymous MI

to Maria: I know how you feel---I have faith in God to lead us and guide us through this sad journey without our dear husbands. It has been 8 months since my love, my best friend and dear husband died. There are moments that I think I am still in shock because it suddenly hits me that he is gone and not coming back to me. I too, have questions for God as to why He took a good man from us while others who are evil remain on earth to create havoc. We have to keep the faith in God and trust Him to give us strength to go on. The Bible says that we are to suffer as Jesus Christ suffered for us. One day we, who are believers in Jesus, will see for ourselves that God does not make mistakes and He will give us eternal life in heaven with no tears---no death--no sorrow. We will be reunited with our loved ones and have joy that we cannot imagine in this life. We are not to know the answers to our questions and while I have been so angry with God for taking my husband I still know God has a plan for all of us that love and strive to serve Him. May God help us all and give us mercy and strength.

Jul 17, 2013
Lost Forever
by: Doreen U.K.

Maria I am so sorry for your loss of your husband 2 weeks ago. It is far too early for you to process your loss. One day you will accept this but for now you will be in DENIAL. This is because your loss is so very painful your mind and body can't accept it. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago to a rare and serious terminal cancer and I couldn't believe I would lose the love of my Life. I was in DENIAL for many months and I may still be somewhat in DENIAL because I keep thinking that He will come walking back in the door as if this was all a bad dream. I wake up to REALITY and know He died. Just like you I PRAYED for Healing and feel that God Didn't answer me. But God did. HE said NO!. Which is why my husband died. He was ANOINTED for Healing AND died 8 hours later. So God did say NO!. By taking him home to be with Him. I know I will see him again when Jesus comes back for us. It will take you time to accept what has happened. You can't rush grief. Take one day at a time. This is such a cruel life for us now on our own and having to restructure some sort of life that will be manageable for us to cope with LONLINESS. This type of loss leaves us all with UNBEARABLE GRIEF. WE think we will never recover from this. But with God's help we can make it in life. Without God we would struggle. Often God can seem so far away when we need Him the most. God creates life and he takes it away. He is Lord of All and so this gives me HOPE to go on with God at the helm of my Life. Days of grief are so difficult and painful and some days we will get it right and days we don't want to go on. Be gentle with yourself. I hope you have good supportive family and friends to walk with you through this grief and May God comfort you and give you Peace.

Jul 17, 2013
Lost Forever
by: Maria

I lost my husband of 25 yeas 2 weeks ago from a rare form of cancer. We thought he was going to beat it and he tried so hard to be strong. I watched him take his last breath and I hurt so bad!! He was my love, my joy and my rock. We were always together and we were one. Now I am alone and cannot bear the pain. Everyday that I wake up I ask "why". My life is meaningless and I am dead inside. I just wish that I could join him and leave this hurt behind. I really do feel that God does not hear prayers and I feel as though he took the love of my life and all the prayers we had for his recovery went not answered. Right now all I know is that there will never be acceptance!!!!

Jun 15, 2013
Missing the love of my life
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband on April 7, 2013. He died of COPD. He had just been released from a nursing home after being hospitalized. He had high hopes because he was doing so much better than before he went to ICU and then was released to the nursing home for rehab. He came home and was built up after not eating for month's. They worked with him in the nursing home and he felt so much stronger than he had in a long time.

He was discharged on a Wednesday, I went and picked him up. On Friday I took him to go see his PCP who said his lungs sounded clear- even though he had to go into the Doctor's office with a cart of oxygen. His PCP commented on how clear his lungs sounded. We went to the pharmacy to pick up the med's the doctor had prescribed.

I noticed he was perspiring and felt his forehead which was very hot. He said he felt okay. Next day when I got off work he was unresponsive and called EMT's. They took him back to the hospital
and he went downhill from there. Two week's later they suggested Palliative care, so they could make him comfortable and let him go.

I agreed since he always had told me if he got to the point of drowning in his own fluids,please let him go.

Went to the hospital and they gave him what they call "comfort care" removed him from the breathing machine keeping him going and all other devices and I held his hand til he passed.

We were married 38 years. He helped me raise my daughter as his own (never had his own children) and I am just so unbelieveably sad and my emotions are so up and down. My life will never be the same and I miss him so very much.

Jun 15, 2013
I feel I should have known
by: Anonymous--Mi

My husband died 7 months ago from SCA---looking back, there were signs that I should have paid more attention to and been more alert to his apparent bad heart, although he never was diagnosed as such. But, he always was so strong. He had arthritis in his hips but his doctors even said wait until you are older for hip replacements. His heart was never an issue (or so it seemed) But I know now that he was always tired in the afternoons and would need a long nap every day. When I think back, I know his snoring at night was way too loud and was increasing to be month by month. There was a day he was so nauseous and could not eat or drink until the evening. He always down played any kind of sickness he may have had (which was very little in the 43 yrs we were married) I was always the one with some ailment or another but not my husband, He was so strong and seemed so healthy. I feel guilt in not pushing him more to quit seeing the doctor he was going to for routine labs and go to a specialist for the symptoms I now know were signs of a diseased heart. Hindsight is always correct but totally useless. On the eve of Father's day I grieve for my grown children who loved him beyond words and I grieve for myself because the love of my life is gone.

Jun 12, 2013
Heartbroken, Lonely, and Lost
by: Anonymous

Dianne I am sorry for your loss of your beloved husband living with his illness for 5yrs. I know how you feel. It is the worst experience we wives can ever go through. I thought I had forever because my husbands parents died in their late 80's and his 2 brothers are in their late 70's. My husband had a rare and serious terminal cancer. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days and had to watch him die a slow painful death. I could never prepare for his death. Death is not something we talk about. It felt morbid. When Steve went into the Hospice for Pain management monitoring he told me all they talk about is dying and he felt uncomfortable. He didn't know what a hospice was. He never asked and he didn't need to know. He was too absorbed with looking after his family where he worked hard for 47yrs. He had 2yrs. to retire and had to come out of work due to the cancer. He had a poor quality of life from diagnosis. That was when my world crumbled and I just got on with the job of caring for him. I find it very difficult to get on top of grief. Every now and then I will feel a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart and my tears will come. I can't get used to not having him here in his home. All his struggles are over and I am happy about this. BUT. As you say "What do we do now?" "How do we go on in life without our husband?" This is such unbearable pain I feel it in my whole body. Most days I can do nothing. I have to take pain killers every night. Only then can I do any work when I am not in physical pain.
I feel sad for you having to cope with the pain of your husband dying whilst you were out. You can't beat yourself up about this as you didn't know and neither did your husband know when he would die. He would have fallen asleep and he just didn't wake up. But I know how you feel. I was worried about the same thing. I didn't even want to use the bathroom in case he died when I was out of the room. Steve wanted to die at home and so he had a hospital bed in our living room. Steve's back was towards me and his face against the wall. I asked the nurse to turn him over towards me. He died 1 hour later. All our relatives had gone home and I was alone and then Steve drew his last breath. Just then his sister and husband came through the door at the appropriate time. I got that precious but awful moment of sudden loss. When I had to go shopping I was always anxious leaving Steve on his own. But what could I do. What could you do. NOTHING. This is a deep loss that we all know about who has lost our soulmate. All you can do is come to this site and read other stories of loss which will help you Heal. I hope that you find Peace and Comfort in your loss and Grief.

Jun 12, 2013
so sad
by: mjs

my sadness is overwhelming....4 months later and it feels worse now. my love was 58....almost 32 years of love/marriage. never had the chance to plan our retirement....always thought we would be that cute old couple holding hands walking in the park. geezus, how can one endure so much pain and sadness....my love, my love. i've only had one dream of him..... i need to feel him..... :(

Jun 12, 2013
Also heartbroken, lonely and lost
by: Diane

My husband died March 23, 2013 after fighting a brave battle with heart disease for the last five years. He was only 54 years old. I worked full time and took care of him also. In the last year he lived in the living room in a hospital bed where he could look out on the world and watch for me coming home. He died while I was at the store. I was only gone for an hour. I am so lost. What am I supposed to do now? Really, what am I supposed to do? I feel like I have lost everything. I just can't imagine I will ever feel whole again. I thought we had a little more time. I should never have left him that day. I had plenty of time to get ready but I guess we can't really do that. Some days are worse that others. Glad for this site. Thank you for sharing with me.

Jun 11, 2013
lost my sweetheart
by: Anonymous---MI

To Jean---I know the sorrow in your heart; I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband died in Nov. 2012 and life as I knew and loved has gone and will not return. I too, love my husband since I was 17 yrs old; we were married at age 22 and had a wonderful marriage of 43 yrs. Now, it is up to me to turn my face to God and keep my eyes on Him for mercy, strength and grace to face this journey without my dear loved one. At times I think I am still in shock because I can hardly believe that he is gone from my life and my adult kids and grandkids lives. All I can offer to you right now is how I manage to get out of bed each morning and begin again and that is trust and faith in God. May you take His hand on this long journey. God Bless You

Jun 11, 2013
My sweetheart is gone!
by: Jean

My husband of 56 years went to be with Jesus May 13, 2013
So it's only been about a month, I miss him so much. I have loved him since I was14 years old. His teeth are still in their container on the bathroom sink, I can not move them. I know he is in heaven, I know he is no longer suffering and he is happy. But I cry for me, I miss him so, I loved him so much,

Jun 11, 2013
missing him is unbearably painful
by: silver

My love went home on May 29,2011.He had emphysema and got pneumonia.It turned septic and killed his kidneys.Dialysis was killing his heart.They found a lump in one of his lungs and said it was probably cancer.Since he had lung and kidney failure and even on a machine would probably die in a day or two,I called our children in and we said good-bye.I had them unhook the machine and got to hold him for the last 5 minutes of his life.I told him I loved him and let him go.It was the hardest thing I have ever done before or since.I guess I figured we would get to grow old together.He was 62.I miss him every minute.We were going to go see places close like the Nashville zoo and the aquarium.To Chattanooga,to Memphis,to other sites in the surrounding states that weren't too far.He missed me retiring by 3 months.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do:to go on without my other half.I wrote a poem called,"My Heart,and another called,"My Rock" that remind me of what you said.My husband was my rock,my shoulder,my love for all eternity.It is hard to go without him but I KNOW I will be able to hold him again one day.That is what keeps me going.GOD bless you and send you peace and strength.I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jun 10, 2013
Lost my husband on 28 May 2013
by: Anonymous

Donna I am sorry for your loss of your beloved husband of 30 yrs. to a sudden death. It is early days for you having just lost your husband. The very worst thing in life has just happened to you, me, and everyone on this site and we also wonder if we will ever be happy again because our loss has crushed us deeply. YES!! we will be happy again but in a different way. Not as we used to be when being a loving happy couple enjoying life together. This is such unbearable pain and loss.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 13 months ago and I am feeling my grief more today. I went to the graveyard today to put down some roses and other flowers and balloon for His Birthday today when he would have been 67yrs. of age. It is such a painful journey all on our own now. Nothing will ever be as it used to be. Grief is something we can't avoid but have to go through it in order to Heal from our loss. Knowing and believing in God does help because God gave us life and He takes it back. God created marriage and the family and so it is God who is going to take us through otherwise I wouldn't see the point of going on in life. This world is not our home, we are just passing through. You will see your husband again and be reunited. But it is still a long road and journey for us. We will have good days and bad days, and unbearable days. I find the lonliness the worst pain to bear right now. I hope you have good supportive family and friends to help you through the rough days and months ahead. WE will all get through these awful days TOGETHER.

Jun 09, 2013
Lost my husband on May 28, 2013
by: Donna

I still feel numb, I always knew one of us would die, but hoped it would be me first. We had 30 wonderful years together. He died of a massive heart attack. Today when I walked into the church, I lost it, as I had always gone to church with him beside me. I cried so hard I had to leave. He treated me like a princess, took care of everything, and loved me so completely. I know I will go on, but wonder how. Will I ever be happy again?

Jun 09, 2013
by: Anonymous

My partner also died on the same day with melanoma, and I also watched him take his last breath. We both thought we had more time. Never gave up hope, stayed positive. I feel empty and lost. I think of him all the time and miss him so deeply. I sleep wishing not to wake and be with him. This feeling I feel I can't not control. People tell me it'll get better, how could it? It's life, but life when we are both in our 30s. Wanted to marry after be got over this hurdle, try for a baby but never happened. Now so alone and can't see happiness anywhere. I feel your pain.

Jun 09, 2013
Missing him
by: Anonymous-Mi

I come to this site to read posts from others who are suffering also from the loss of a loved one. I find it to be a lonely road--this journey of grief. In the evening when my husband and I would read the newspaper, talk about everything we wanted to say; ask questions and just love each other and savor our gift of each other that God gave us. Our brains are like computers, storing all we have seen and heard and then like popcorn----a memory of my husband and our times pop up and remind me of what I have lost. I, like many of you, try to keep busy and help pass the hours. I grieve for the death of the most wonderful and important person in my life. But--God knows all about me and all of you---He knows our sorrow and while we still go through it minute by minute He is with us; giving us strength to go on. One glad day, I will take my last breath and my spirit and soul will go to heaven for a new body and to see the face of Jesus and then to see my love---my husband. Let us hold on to one another and most importantly hold on to God. He is our only answer out of this darkness. Bless you all

Jun 09, 2013
by: Lawrence

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
Your pain and anguish are the price you are paying for the happiness you had together.
Everybody on this site has been through it and you will never again experience anything as bad as the agony you are feeling.
It is very early days for you and I also saw my beloved wife take her last breath and I miss her so much every second of the day and cry at the sight of people kissing and holding hands ,I am in my fifth month of my loss, but I repeat in every loving relationship one of you will die sooner or later, I guess it’s called LIFE and nobody escapes its consequence’s. My wife and I did grow old together and I am so grateful to the good Lord for that.
Read all our comments and stories and know you are not alone.
Your feeling of intense sadness and loneliness is something you share with us all.
Take care of yourself and treasure your family, they have also lost the rock you all depended on and like you have nothing to cling onto.
You are in all our thoughts.

Jun 09, 2013
Missing him is unbearably painful
by: Doreen U.K.

SSG I am sorry for your loss of your beloved husband to lung cancer. I can echo everything you have said.
My husband had a chest infection and sent to the hospital for an Xray. Shadows were found on his lung and then he had a biopsy in February 2009. March 28th 2009 was the worst day of my life when my husband was diagnosed with a rare and serious lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. His cancer was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. He was sent immediately for Chemotherapy, then Radiotherapy and then sent home to die. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39 days and he died 13 months ago. We were married 44yrs. How does one recover from being with someone for so many years? It is such an unbearable sorrow. I prayed and hoped for a miracle of healing in which he would have at least some retirement. He died before he could have time for himself that he earned throughout his working life. I now have to do this retirement ALONE. I was so upset and angry at life yesterday. I can't bear the Lonliness. Lonliness is like an emotional cancer. Today is the anniversary of my moms birthday. She died 10 yrs. ago. Tomorrow is my husbands birthday and I will go to the graveyard and lay some flowers down. This is going to be a difficult journey. Three days later on the 13th June is my nephews birthday and he died 6yrs. ago when he threw himself in front of an express train after suffering depression. So many memories of sorrow still which never goes away. Another anniversary is just a reminder of what I have lost.
I feel so vulnerable to death and losing people now as the death of my husband was the worst ever loss from my life. This is such unbearable pain that we all understand who has lost a life partner. I do manage to do 2 jobs each day around the house and garden and find that working or doing something does help with grief. But grief happens automatically and will cause pain often as we go through our life. It is so difficult having to now build up my life and put new things into it. I don't like change. I like things the way they were. Lonliness is what we all dread when we lose our life partner, and the worst part of grief.
I hope you have supportive family and friends to help you at this difficult time of your life as it does make a difference. keep writing here as often as you need to.

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