Missing him so much
I was with my husband for twenty-five years and he passed less than three months ago after a very long, trying illness. During the last four years I watched him wither away from the handsome strong man he was to the small shell of a man he became. His illness took away all of his physical attributes and left him helpless and angry. He was in total denial that he was dying and would not talk about it which made life very difficult for me. He was always somewhat self-centered and narcisstic and his illness intensified those character defects. He was extremely demanding and often talked down to me in front of our children and even total strangers. However, I loved him, faults and all. He was my best friend and my strongest supporter. He had a smile that would light up a room. He made friends everywhere he went and he treasured all his friendships. He kept in touch with all his former classmates, teachers, army buddies and frat brothers until the day he died. His behavior during his illness drove our children away which was very painful for me. They simply could not understand the horrible pain he was in and the effect it had on him. All they could see was the way he acted toward me...and how much I took care of him and how tired I was. I admit there were plenty of times I wished it was over and other times I wanted to just run away and escape. But now....there is nothing but silence and loneliness and I miss him terribly. I try to find things to fill my days so that I am exhausted at night but it doesn't really work. I have many, many good memories and many regrets. I just don't know where to go from here. I quit my job last year to care for him. Now, I just don't even have the energy to look for another job..I love my grandchildren and they surround me with their love but its not the same. Friends tell me it will get better but right now it doesn't feel like it will. The pain is unbearable...at least it helps to write about it..