Missing him so much

by Bonnie
(Beaufort, SC)

I was with my husband for twenty-five years and he passed less than three months ago after a very long, trying illness. During the last four years I watched him wither away from the handsome strong man he was to the small shell of a man he became. His illness took away all of his physical attributes and left him helpless and angry. He was in total denial that he was dying and would not talk about it which made life very difficult for me. He was always somewhat self-centered and narcisstic and his illness intensified those character defects. He was extremely demanding and often talked down to me in front of our children and even total strangers. However, I loved him, faults and all. He was my best friend and my strongest supporter. He had a smile that would light up a room. He made friends everywhere he went and he treasured all his friendships. He kept in touch with all his former classmates, teachers, army buddies and frat brothers until the day he died. His behavior during his illness drove our children away which was very painful for me. They simply could not understand the horrible pain he was in and the effect it had on him. All they could see was the way he acted toward me...and how much I took care of him and how tired I was. I admit there were plenty of times I wished it was over and other times I wanted to just run away and escape. But now....there is nothing but silence and loneliness and I miss him terribly. I try to find things to fill my days so that I am exhausted at night but it doesn't really work. I have many, many good memories and many regrets. I just don't know where to go from here. I quit my job last year to care for him. Now, I just don't even have the energy to look for another job..I love my grandchildren and they surround me with their love but its not the same. Friends tell me it will get better but right now it doesn't feel like it will. The pain is unbearable...at least it helps to write about it..

Comments for Missing him so much

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Jun 15, 2011
Were They Related??
by: TrishJ

OMG Bonnie~
Were your husband and my husband related somehow? I too quit my job to take care of Joe. He called me at work one day and told me he was afraid to stay alone any longer. He also could be very demanding and often angered and embarrassed me in front of the home health nurses. I know he didn't mean any of it. He was afraid. He also didn't like to express any feelings of fear to me. He was a MAN. Men don't cry. You know the old saying! You always hurt the one you love! I know my husband loved me. He didn't want anyone taking care of him but me. I'm sure you husband loved you too. Men...they usually don't do a very good job of making their true feelings known.

I was used to going 90 miles per hour 24/7 and all of a sudden he was gone. We went out to lunch the day before he died, laughed, talked, did some shopping (with me pushing him in a wheel chair). 24 hours later he was gone. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I found this web site. There are some wonderful people here. Visit often and just vent. Nobody thinks anybody is crazy here. Grief hurts like hell. It's lonely and scary. We will all be here for you.
Blessings:)
PJ

Jun 15, 2011
Missing him
by:

Bonnie,

I am so glad that you found this site. It has been a lifeboat for me through the horrible storm of grief. As a caregiver our lives revolved around taking care of them they were the center of our existence. The horrible moments play over and over in our mind like a movie. I do not know how to stop these thoughts or how to stop missing them. I do know that it does get easier with time but we can not rush grief. We want a way out of grief but it is an emotional roller coaster that we all must ride and survive.

Just come here and vent and try to make it through the next moment. Try not too look to far down the road it is overwhelming. My thoughts and prayers are with you because I remember how difficult early grief is. But I promise you down the road you will smile impossible as it seems.
Come here often and read write. Keep a journal, write hubby as if he were right here. Come here as often as you need we will always listen.
HH

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