Missing him

by ak
(CA)

I lost my dad on Christmas day of 2010. Ever since then I feel like I have two separate lives.... One was when my dad was alive and the other is now without him. Nothing has ever been so painful and two years later it still is. I remember when he first told me that he had this "disease" MDS. I did not know what it was until I over heard his doctor talking about the rate of mortality. One year. Thats all I had left and nothing is worse than seeing the person you love more than anything just fall apart. I slowly saw my dad wither away. The person who had once been so strong was so weak with sickness. One night when we were at home my mom told my dad to get in bed and he said " I only have a little time left and I dont want to spend the rest of it in bed." That was the first time that he had acknowledged in front of me that he was dying. I started sobbing and he took me in his arms and told me he would always be there for me no matter what. He kept saying I just want it to be Christmas, that was his favorite holiday. When he died he took a part of me that can never be replaced. I still think about him everyday and even though I dont cry everyday anymore I COULD cry everyday if I let myself think about it. Missing him and missing the old family I used to have is so difficult and painful. All I want is to be truly happy again...I have to redefine what happiness is because it is not the same as it was when I had him.

Love you dad forever,

Ur Ms. P

Ashley

Comments for Missing him

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Dec 26, 2012
Missing him
by: Doreen U.K.

AK I am sorry for your loss of your Dad. It is the worst hurt to watch someone slowly die in front of you and not know how to react and support him and deal with the thought "HE IS GOING TO DIE"? "What do I do? How do I go on?" Your whole life is broken forever. I had to watch my husband die slowly of cancer and his body just wasted away. This is very painful to see from someone you love.
Life will never be the same again. Your happiness destroyed forever. It is a very painful journey in grief each day. It has only been almost 8 months I lost my husband. I spent the first Christmas without him and it was horrible. It will take a long long time to get over this loss and we will have to move on in life as best as we can to rebuild a life that we can survive in. I hope that life gets better for you in the days ahead and that you are able to find your way forward from the death of your father.

Dec 26, 2012
very similar
by: ger

Hi ashley, I feel your pain, lost my dad two years ago and he was buried stephens day 2010, which is two years ago today. First I was relieved he was not suffering but I miss him terrible and so too does my son who was his only grandchild. I feel the father daughter bond is very strong, but I think dad is with me, he is def in my heart. My dad had mds also and copd and havn being diagnosed in april with mds only lived till christmas, I've cried a river tis last week and find it helps, I hope tis may be of sme comfort to u to know ur not alone' geraldine

Dec 26, 2012
I know your sadness
by: Cynthia

I know your pain. When we lose someone we love so much our lives are forever changed. I lost my adult son almost 2 years ago. I cry everyday and probably will for the rest of my life. My life will never be the same, I will never feel the joy and peace I once did. Unfortunately we have to do the best we can to get through each day and figure out how to live a new normal. I pray that I will see my son again when it is my time to leave. It is wonderful that you gave and received so much love from your Father. My parents are no longer alive. I miss them so.
I hope my son is with my parents now.
I have a wonderful Husband, my other son and now a new Grand Daughter. My husband takes such good care of me, he is the step father to my two sons. He worries about me all the time. I don't know what I would do without him. I met a incredible person on this site who lost a child. We talk daily, she helps to keep me going. She is a blessing. Finding someone who is feeling your same pain helps to feel that you are not so all alone. We see our friends and some of our family moving on and moving forward, you feel as though they have forgotten the loved one who is now gone. You will never forget your Father, he will live on in your heart and memories. Keep his spirit alive. I talk to my son everyday, I buy him a card for his Birthday and Holidays. He will always be with me until I see him again.
Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Your father would not want it any other way. He wants you to live and love your life as best you can. He will always be watching over you.

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