missing him...

by Maria Ramirez
(South Jersey)

I lost my husband August 15, 2012 He was only 35. He had been admitted to the hospital with a possible blood clot. He had a rare genetic blood disorder called Factor V lieden. Anyway, he was admitted and all sorts of tests were performed but nothing was found. So the night/morning that he was being released he buzzed his nurse at 4am for pain meds. She came in had a conversation with him, laughing and joking then at 4:39am he coded... His heart monitor went crazy so they rushed in, attempted CPR, shocked him so many times they burned him and even gave him 4 shots of adrenaline to no eval. He was pronounced dead at 5:09am... My world ended right that second. We were only together 6 yrs and married for 4. (our 5th wedding anniversary is actually this fri June 7th) we never got around to having kids but we were trying. I lost my best friend and now my world is just empty. I count down the minutes til i can see him again. I like many others am so mad at god. I understand he was suffering and in pain but why take him from this world why not just heal him and let him enjoy life. He was only 35. There was so much more for him. He should be by my side right now. Not in an urn on my shelf. I have no one. His family completely shut me out like it was my fault that he was gone. The day of his memorial which they planned for themselves and totally ignored what i was planning to go along with his wishes, they had his previous girlfriend sit with them in church, like she was the grieving widow as i sat with my mom brother and sister and cried hysterically and silently prayed to god to take me too .. Every night i pray he takes me because my life ended the day he took Carlos away from me. Ill never be able to love anyone the way i love him and ill never let anyone get that close to me again. So whats the point of being here. Im 32 and have to live with my parents because i cant make it on my own without my Carlos. He was my first my last my everything and i just cant do this thing called life without him. It will be 10 months on the 15th and everyday i look at my phone and i wait for him to text or call me and tell me hes alright...that he just needed time to fix himself and hes ready to live the rest of our life together. I try to put on a brave face for my friends and family and i even try not to talk about Carlos in fear that they are all sick of hearing about him. I'm afraid if i stop talking about him, everyone will forget and that will hurt me more than anything....he was unforgettable in my eyes even though he was by no means an angel...he had his demons as.most of us do...but he was my everything..and i will never find that. I knew the first time we kissed on March 26, 2006 that we would be together forever...and when he asked me to be his girlfriend on April 3, 2006 i said yes and a month later on may 27, 2006 when he asked me to be his wife on the boardwalk in AC...I said yes without a bit of hesitation because i knew from our first.kiss that we were soul mates! And that i will never find again. Why would God bring such a wonderful creature into my life only to tear him away 6 short yrs later... I wish i knew...

Comments for missing him...

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Jun 14, 2013
missing him
by: Anonymous

Hello Maria. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dearly loved husband. I hope that you can heal a little bit more each day in your grieving process. It is a very difficult situation to deal with. I understand it in my own way as my husband who I was with for 33 years passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack in July, 2012. I still have anger at God too for taking away my husband. As long as I live I don't think I'll ever be able to make any sense out of it. Your in laws sound like they were very rude, especially with having his ex girlfriend at the funeral. That is unbelievable. My in laws seemed rude to me as well on the day of the funeral/burial. I never liked most of them much anyway and their ignoring me on this saddest day of my life only highlighted why we never seemed to be able to get along.
Death of a loved one, especially a spouse, is an extremely overwhelming situation to live through and is just so draining. I think it takes a lot of courage to endure it. Even though most of us are angry at God for this ordeal we still need Him to help us get through it. I think He can understand how painful this is to us and how angry we are at Him for it to have happened. It is one of the great mysteries (or should I say miseries) of life. Keep up your strength and take good care of yourself.

Jun 06, 2013
Missing him....
by: Doreen U.K.

Maria I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband Carlos to a sudden death. It is the worst feeling ever to feel this panic mixed with the Hope that your loved one will survive and then to get that shocking news that he is gone. It is the worst feeling ever. I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband 13 months ago to a rare cancer. I died inside the day I got this news of incurable, inoperable cancer. My world crashed into a thousand pieces whilst I looked at his sad face with loss of Hope. I believed just like many people do for a miracle of healing but it never came. I saw my beloved husband draw his last breath and I had to then become strong to plan his funeral and lay him to rest.
As if it wasn't cruel enough for you to lose your Carlos, you didn't need his family adding to your sorrow by acknowledging his former girlfriend and to block you out as if you were invisible and didn't exist. I know how this feels so I know how deeply this must have hurt you. Since you gave your heart to their son and loved him his family should have embraced you with the love you deserved. They will one day live to regret their mistake because they will never get that opportunity back to do the good they should have done. But sadly this is how we find ourselves when we lose our beloved. I have had similar problems. My husband's family wanted to take control and gave me a hard time. They should have noticed how well I put things in place for their beloved brother/uncle. They lacked understanding that my husband died of an industrial disease and his funeral was delayed by 20 days for an inquest. They turned on me and said I did this on purpose to hurt them. They gave us so much trouble we had to contact Law enforcement for support so we could live in peace. But now with so many problems on the house needing repairs we find they have contacted someone to put a curse on our property so I have to sell the house. I have paid out for so many repairs and the rest I will do myself. I challenge their curse in the name of Jesus whose house this is since we own nothing. God owns it all. So I find the strength to go on resisting evil and doing good. Just keep your head up Maria and know that God is in control and it is God who will make all things right and evil people won't go unpunished. We will endure sorrow and hurt in this life from our enemies but we defeat them with LOVE. That is all we can do.
You will get through this grief and you will rise up out of these ashes of despair and grief. But my heart goes out to you from losing a young husband so early in your life. May God Be with you always and lift you above your grief and sorrow and give you Hope for every step you take in life. Be Blessed in Life. May God walk with you.

Jun 05, 2013
to Maria
by: Anonymous

I have read your post and am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost my husband 6 mons ago and feel your grief. We have no answers as to why God does what He does. I have great faith and trust in God but I too was (and sometimes still)angry and questioning God for taking my dear husband who had not been sick and was suddenly taken from us with a sudden cardiac arrest. We are not to know the answers to these questions but I pray for you that you strive to keep your faith and trust in God because He is our only hope for any peace and comfort and to one day be with our husbands again. God Help you in this sorrow and all of us grieving.

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