Missing Him


My Billy passed away on August 8, 2013 at 8:30p.m. It was supposed to be my first day back to school, but we were in a hospice home instead. Thank god I was able to stay with him day and night. One year ago, on my first day back to school, Billy was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They told us with treatment he would have 5 maybe even 10 years left. He lived exactly one year after 30 radiation treatments, brain surgery and chemo. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him, how much this hurts. He was my love, my best friend for 28 years. I go through each day like I'm supposed to. I go to work, act like I'm fine, take care of things I'm supposed to and go home to an empty house. I hate coming home but once I'm there I don't like to leave, because then I have to come back again. I had a dream about him two nights in a row about 6 weeks after he passed. I could actually feel his presence, wanted so badly to wake up and find that my reality was the dream.
I look at pictures of him from as far back as five years ago and realize as I look at them that I can actually see the beginning of his illness. Why didn't I see it when it was really happening? Our five years was up this November. I should have seen it. I should have realized that all of the "little" problems he was having all added up to a big problem. His brain tumor caused him so many issues, changed his mental status to a degree, changed him, but I would have given anything to keep him and take care of him from now on no matter what that meant. Our life together was precious and now I don't care what I do. I'm not angry at anyone, I just don't care about much of anything. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling alone, I'm tired....

Comments for Missing Him

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Jan 08, 2014
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I too lost my soul mate, my husband of 20 years last March to liver failure. He went into the hospital for extreme sodium depletion, and started his transplant testing, but he never came home. I never believed it could happen. He wanted to talk about things, but I always avoided it- as though somehow if I didn't admit it, it wouldn't happen.

He was the total love of my life, and my best friend. Even though I still have my 2 teenage daughters, and I stay strong for them, most people do not see the total sorrow and suffering I have inside.

Night time is the hardest for me too. I am a teacher too, and I have a lot of guilt about not being there with him towards the end because we were saving up sick days for the transplant. I wish I would have just stayed home from school.

I apologize for just going on about the details of my own grief, but your sadness sounds so similar to mine. I have the same issues with going out or being home alone. It is some comfort to know that I am not crazy and that there are other people out there feeling the same.

What I hate the most is when people say "you look so good" or "you are doing so great", when they have no idea how hard it is to just get through the day.

Keep being strong and take it one day at a time. You are not alone.

Jan 07, 2014
we feel your pain
by: Lawrence

Losing a cherished partner is a crushing devastating event, one that has never been experience in a lifetime and my heart goes out to you in your suffering.
People will say to you ’I know what you are going through’ but they don’t, no one can until they suffer the loss of a loved one and the pain and agony it brings.
Everybody on this web site has been through this hell on earth and your feelings of guilt are so common, we ask ourselves could we have done more, should we have noticed sooner?
I guess I was lucky, you saw your Billy slowly succumbing to his terrible illness, whereas my beautiful beloved wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying, I had loved, cherished and cared for her for nearly seventy years and now there was nothing I could do, she died almost in front of my eyes alone, I felt so helpless..
It was Christmas Day, the turkey was cooking, and the table laid, all the family were there.
The ambulance was called and they proceeded to do CPR on my love as I watched in horror from the front seat but when we arrived at the hospital the consultant told me gently that she would be brain dead and would I give permission to stop the CPR which I tearfully gave.
I keep asking myself was I right to make that decision, I know it is academic now but it still haunts me.
So we know about the loneliness of life, putting the key in the door of an empty house and the knowledge there will be nobody to welcome you with a kiss and a hug is a daily nightmare for us all.
BUT, you are in the early days of your grief and believe me as someone who was standing in your shoes a year ago it will get easier as the knowledge he has gone will finally penetrate your brain but never your heart.
So thank God for the wonderful precious time you had together, as I do, and remember the twenty eight years of intense love and passion are more than most people will ever experience.
You will come through this as we all have to do.
Come back and tell us how you are.
You are in all our prayers.

Jan 07, 2014
Missing Him
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of Billy. It is so very hard processing our loss of our beloved life partner and to then have to find our way through life on our own. We are meant to enjoy life and each other and not contemplate death till it comes, and for many it comes sooner than one thinks. I used to think that my husband would die in his 80's due to his parents living to this age and now his brother are approaching this age. But at the age of 65yrs. he died of cancer 20 months ago. We were married 44yrs. Not long enough for me because he was like every man. Working a job 6 days a week and sometimes 7 days a week all over our country and the world as an exhibition carpenter. You said you wished you had picked up on your Billy's sign of illness before they came. I don't think you could have changed a thing. By not noticing you actually kept life for Billy very normal and spent that time being happy. No sense in suffering earlier than is necessary. My husband worked with asbestos in his 20's and the dust settled in his lungs like claws and takes 40yrs. to develop into a tumour. This cancer is always terminal. There is no remission from this cancer. We were all devastated with this type of cancer. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he passed away in terrible pain. this is the only blessing. He is not in pain anymore. but I so wished this cancer had never happened. I didn't want to know how long he had to live. I would have wasted time worrying and crying, when I put that time into caring for him as best as I could. He couldn't talk about what he was feeling as he tried to process his death and was in denial, thinking the Chemo and Radiotherapy was going to cure him. His mind couldn't understand this. The cancer changed his personality and he became aggressive and angry at times which was not his personality. He was a passive pleasant person. Very subdued. I do feel content that I did my best. I have few regrets. When regrets arise I put them to bed because He can't be hurt by life and regrets. Even our loved one's who have passed all lived and died with regrets. Which is part of the fabric of our mental and emotional being and humanity. I just told my husband. "See you in the morning" I will see you on the other side. We soldier on and try our best to rebuild our life. Not much comfort coming back as you say to an empty house. I just accept what I can't change and change what I can to survive. I wish you Peace and comfort in your loss and recovery from grief.

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