My Billy passed away on August 8, 2013 at 8:30p.m. It was supposed to be my first day back to school, but we were in a hospice home instead. Thank god I was able to stay with him day and night. One year ago, on my first day back to school, Billy was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They told us with treatment he would have 5 maybe even 10 years left. He lived exactly one year after 30 radiation treatments, brain surgery and chemo. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him, how much this hurts. He was my love, my best friend for 28 years. I go through each day like I'm supposed to. I go to work, act like I'm fine, take care of things I'm supposed to and go home to an empty house. I hate coming home but once I'm there I don't like to leave, because then I have to come back again. I had a dream about him two nights in a row about 6 weeks after he passed. I could actually feel his presence, wanted so badly to wake up and find that my reality was the dream.
I look at pictures of him from as far back as five years ago and realize as I look at them that I can actually see the beginning of his illness. Why didn't I see it when it was really happening? Our five years was up this November. I should have seen it. I should have realized that all of the "little" problems he was having all added up to a big problem. His brain tumor caused him so many issues, changed his mental status to a degree, changed him, but I would have given anything to keep him and take care of him from now on no matter what that meant. Our life together was precious and now I don't care what I do. I'm not angry at anyone, I just don't care about much of anything. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling alone, I'm tired....