My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in September 2008. She passed away May 19, 2009. Immediately after the diagnosis, I had my mother move into my home. My mom was 62 at the time, I was 36, my husband 37 and my son 3 yrs old just starting his first year of preschool. I'm a stay at home mom.
My parents are divorced. I didn't want my mother to go through this alone and her condition at the time was horrible. I have two brothers ages 38 and 41. We didn't think my mom would make it to Christmas. Luckily the chemo she started in Sept, gave her back some quality of life and she had a good run from Nov - March. By April she began to decline slowly. By the first week in May I knew she would not make it to the end of the month.
During her time in my home I was trying very hard to accept the situation and do the right thing. Being her caretaker while trying to manage my own life/home was very difficult. I kept it in stride and tried to make the time for my mom comfortable and memorable. Our relationship is complicated. A lot of anger and resentment on my end toward my mother for the decisions she made after my parents divorce.
Regardless of my feelings, it felt good to have given my mother my 100% during her final months of life. How could I not? I loved my mother very much and I know how much she loved me and my husband and son. Even though I knew she was not going to beat the cancer and her death was coming... I'm shocked at the magnitude of my loss. I was not prepared.
She was admitted to Hospice on May 9th. Her final days were spent there. That was incredibly difficult for me. I cried the minute I walked into my home that night after admitting her... the loss already began. I slowly adjusted to her not being in my home anymore, but still felt the void. The stress of dividing my time between Hospice and home was overwhelming.
My son became very attached to me and scared during this time. He knew Grandma was very sick and suddenly gone. I brought him to Hospice a few times but he was scared of my mom and didn't want to talk to her or be around her. He cried when I left him and added to my already breaking heart.
I can't believe how much I miss my mom. Can't believe how much I love her and wish I could talk to her. I never knew you could physically ache for a person. I go back in time a lot. Think of my mom's different phases of life from a young mother to Grandmother. I'm 37. It's quite young to lose your mom at this age. I feel angry at my friends who still have their mom's.
I feel somewhat abnormal for not having my mom. Like I'm in a different category now. Most of all I feel so sad that my mom will not see my son grow up. Already he's changed in the past few months... getting so grown up. He turned 4 a few days after my mother died. He's gotten taller and his vocabulary increased a lot. My mother and I always bonded through our mutual love for him and his adorable personality.
My mom also left behind 5 other grandchildren that she loved and enjoyed watching grow up. I feel so sad when one of the kids reaches a milestone or something great happens to them. I think of my mom and how much she is missing. Gosh it's just so overwhelming and seems unfair.
I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I only hope I was good enough to her. I'm afraid I spent too much time being selfish and angry that I had to take her in and be the caretaker at such a young age. I know I have to try and remember the good times we shared and all the nice things I said and did. I just miss her and wish I could call her. It's as simple as that.