Missing my brother and cousin. :(

by Jen
(San diego)

My younger brother committed suicide June 29, 2011 at the age of 26. When I got the call I screamed like I've never screamed before. I wanted to run from the pain. It's been a nightmare. How can I move on knowing he's not here anymore. The pain is unbearable. He went to war 4 times so that caused him to develop PTSD. The violent way he died is something that is always in my mind. He was on the phone with my parents for 4 hours saying he wanted to kill himself. They couldn't save him. I've been so angry and my heart aches to the core. I want peace so bad. It's been a long 2 years. My cousin 22 also committed suicide. I miss her so much. They both took their lives the same way and died a year and a month and a half apart. I miss them both so much and it haunts me every day.

Comments for Missing my brother and cousin. :(

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Oct 24, 2012
Thank you
by: Jen

Hi Nancy. Thank you for commenting on my post. I'm doing a lot better because I was seeing a counselor for a while. I'm not talking to anyone right now about it because I feel like I've gotten a lot of it out of me. I feel a lot different than when it first happened. I still get sad of course and have those bad days, but overall I'm doing pretty good. :)

Oct 24, 2012
Missing my beautiful big sister
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how ur feeling my older sister took her own life by taking an overdose on 20th May 2012 and i feel that ache you refer to. I too feel like i cant talk to my husband he's never lost anyone close to him under "normal curcumstances" my parents are grieving and feel i dont want them to worry about me! I am taking sleeping tablets prescribed by my gp but still find myself waking around the time my sister sent her last txt message!! I ache to the core of my heart and the only thing that will EVER stop that is for this to be a nightmare and her to come back:( she was my only sibling im so angry with her so called husband and grown up (altho thats debatable) daughter who drove her to do what she did i just dont know where to vent it all as i no longer have any contact with either of them! Time is not a healer it just gets harder as each min, hr, day, week and month pass without seeing her or hearing her voice :( i have two beautiful children of my own so i know what i need to do but its a daily uphill struggle. I send love and hugs ur way as i truly understand ur pain x

Jul 23, 2012
<3
by: Jen

I am sorry Nancy and Doreen for your losses. Sometimes you can feel very alone. It can get so hard. Today I bought a new dog. She's a lab mix. She's so sweet. I feel like my other dog has also helped me heal. I would recommend anyone who loves animals to get a dog. My daughter, husband, and dogs give me a purpose. Mostly my daughter. Losing someone has made me love deeper than ever. I was angry for so long. I still get angry. A few months ago was impossible. But I'm not even close to being in the same place a year ago.

Jul 22, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Yes sometimes I do get scared that is the way I will go, but since I've been on zoloft and going to counseling things have been a little more calm. I still get those moments of disbelief. I have to convince myself sometimes that he is gone. I miss him so much, but I would never harm myself because I can't put my mom through anymore pain. She is such a good mom and she has been there for me always. It was so hard to lean on her at the beginning. That's another thing that made it so hard, but now we talk about it and when she feels she needs to stop talking about it we stop. I have a 5 year old daughter and I know she can sense it sometimes that I get depressed. I know I am strong enough though to get through this. My parents have been married for 32 years and even though they lost their son they are always there for each other and are even closer. I look up to them so much. My husband is hard to talk to because he doesn't understand how it feels and I never want him to. A piece of me is missing. I know I can never be the same again. I get this aching and yearning to talk to my brother. We went in his house after he died and everything was thrown around in the house. I had to go in there to ease my mind. He left behind a wife and 2 young kids. I feel so much pain for the 3 of them. My nephew is 7 so he would cry a lot for his dad. It broke my heart. It's so hard every day. I feel extra weight on me. I am healing in the correct way though because my counselor told me that I have changed from when I first started going there. Thank you for answering this and talking to me. I feel a lot of love. I know people care. It's also healing to talk about it. Thank you again. <3

Jul 22, 2012
Missing my brother and cousin. :(
by: Doreen U.K.

Jen I am so sorry for your loss of your brother and cousin to suicide.
My nephew Peter was 30yrs. He was on medication that causes suicidal feelings. Peter would go up to high building and try to throw himself down. Peter was crying out for help. He would say "Someone out there please help me" He did this a lot of times. No one came to help him and so Peter 5 years ago threw himself in front of an express train. My sister went mad with grief. She had to have a bereavement counsellor come to her home to support her. She is also on the support for suicidal persons website and has been on the forum and also met with other survivors. It is the family left behind who suffer. But having been there myself I know how desperate one can feel to end their life. I tried many times and was always interuppted. I knew God did not want me to die. I managed to get the perfect counsellor for me and after many years I am now in a better place. I am now supporting others in this hard place. So is my sister who lost her son to suicide. You will need to see a bereavement counsellor. Put this in place urgently. The type of death affect the grief. Most people cannot recover from this loss without outside intervention in the form of grief counselling. Many survivors will worry that they may end up dying the same way. Remember. WE all have CHOICES. Make the CHOICE that you will not end your life this way. Go to counselling. You will Recover. You will move forward in time. It does work if you get the right counsellor. If one counsellor doesn't work. Get another till you get the right one. It is a very painfull journey in counselling. Times you will feel you can't go back because the pain is so bad. In counselling you will feel as if you have been opened up with a scalpel and you are oozing all the time and there is no relief. STICK WITH IT. One day you will wake up a different person and be happy you did the counselling. You will not look back. You may just discover why your brother and cousin took their own lives and so be prevented from going the same way. Who Knows what may be uncovered. But don't be frightened by this. FACE IT WITH COURAGE. Get your strength from God. You will be doing this for the right reasons. I've said this before. Where there has been many suicide's in families. Seek the support of the Church. There may be a curse on your family that can be broken. I DID THIS. Because I did know that my grandfather actually opened the door into the OCCULT. Hence our family disasters. I have shut the door. I went through a process. God is in control. Put God in your life. GOD IS OUR PROTECTOR. Satan is for suicide and is a destroyer. Don't let him win.
Pray, Hope, Go on with God. Best wishes.

Jul 21, 2012
Thank you
by: Jen

Thank you so much Nancy. I am not suicidal and haven't been for a while now. I'm on an antidepressant that is balancing out my moods. I was depressed before I lost my brother and cousin, but sometimes I feel like thinking about my brother being gone just adds to my depression. Ok not sometimes a lot. It just hits when I least expect it. I am not angry with him. I am just angry that he had to be taken so soon. Yes I do have those questions as to why he did this. Why did this happen? I've been seeing a counselor for a few months now and I really feel like that has been helping a lot. I wish I had someone over here that could understand what I am going through. I might just be having a hard time opening up to others about this in fear I will cry. I know that sounds weird. I hate crying in front of others. I'm so glad that I visited this site and I am hoping to help others. Thank you again Nancy!!

Jul 21, 2012
Suicide is not the answer
by: Nancy

Jen I hope you understand that suicide is NOT the answer. I eat, sleep and drink suicide, or at least that is what it feels like some days. I have had brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, choose that route for their lives and believe me it is not the answer. It leaves nothing but empty answer for those of us who are left behind and some times it even creates a path where it may at times feel like a way out, but it can never be. If at any time you feel like it is an answer get help. There is so much life left to live. A suicide death is different than any other death. Survivors feel like they need to have answers...and sometimes there just are bot any....please make sure that you are talking to friends, family, your church any one who will listen...keep in contact with this site and let people know what you are thinking because it is important for your own sanity....I will be praying for you...Nancy

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