Missing my Dad

**There's a lot of reading, sorry for this.

Today was my Dads funeral. When we began to put the roses on his casket, and began lowering him into his burial area, it hit me. My father is no longer physically with me anymore.

Before this all happened, my Dad was really sick. (He's been through a lot in the past and had a few heart attacks.) At first i thought my Dad just had a fever, and just figured 'eh, he'll get better soon' until it got worse. He started having severe wheezing sounds, sounded as if a lot of phlegm gathered in his throat but it was actually water in his lungs and i wasn't aware of that. I ignored it and thought he'd be better soon. It was the next day, where he had a seizure. I was frightened, cold rushed through my whole body. He began to lose consciousness and stopped breathing. We called 911, and they came around 5 minutes after he was out. They managed to get a pulse on him and had him hospitalized for 2 weeks in ICU. There he laid, just laying there not moving, not waking up. He was pretty much like a vegetable. I prayed and prayed that he would recover, but if he were to recover he wouldn't be the Dad that i knew before. He would just lay in bed his whole life, and i knew my Dad didn't want to live that life. During the end of the 2 weeks, the doctor recommended we end everything. It turned out he had brain damage and was going nowhere. The whole family had a discussion and agreed, because we didn't want to see him suffer anymore. We removed the life support, and i stood there by his side holding his hand. He laid there dying in front of me, my own father. I held his hand through his last minutes, and my last words to him was "I love you, Dad" and i began bawling my eyes out. I've never told my Dad that I loved him, or at least i don't remember.

Before everything happened, my Dad and I weren't too close. We barely talked, and I wasn't the best son to him before it all happened. When he was sick, he would always call me for help every 30 minutes. I would get irritated and annoyed, i gave him attitude. I still helped him with whatever he needed though. He would always say "Thank you" and "Please help me, this is the last time I'll ask for help" and he rarely ever said "Thank you" when he was healthy and strong. I just brushed it off. And now i regret the way i treated my Dad before he went. I wish I could've done a lot more for him before he passed. It makes me sad because, I just think back and i really pitied my Dad. I pray every night to God, telling him to let my Dad know that I do love him, and that I am sorry for the way i acted before he passed. I loved my Dad, but i didn't show it, and I know it was the same for him. When he was sick, he needed the love and care but I only gave him the care. I really miss my Dad, and I need help forgiving myself for how I treated my Dad.

Comments for Missing my Dad

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May 14, 2013
by: Anonymous

I do also think everyone has some kind of regret when a loved one passes away. I am sure your dad knew how much you loved him too. Just by helping him while he was sick was showing you love him.

Feb 26, 2013
Missing my Dad
by: Doreen U.K.

You are not so different from a lot of sons. What you are feeling is intense guilt caused by GRIEF. It is normal and you are not so unusual from many families. Father's are so tired and stressed from work they are too tired to get to know their children and when the children grow up they forget their parents and when someone dies then the guilt kicks in. It feels very normal. I have a family like this and so does a whole lot more families in this big world will identify with you. In time your guilt will go.
Father's and mothers are more forgiving than you think. My husband died 10 months ago from cancer and I remember how he felt when he was dying. His children didn't visit him. He was busy working all over the world with his job and he was tired when he came home. He fell asleep soon and a next day would come and He would do it all over again. The sadness is when he had time to spend with his children in retirement. He DIED. All the unfinished business of Father's and son's and mother's and daughter's not saying what they wanted to say. But it was understood in unspoken language of Love. Even the little things done speak volumes and words would spoil it. Actions speak louder than words. Your Dad would probably just need to look at you and it would say. "Son" "I love you." I am a parent of Adult children oldest 44yrs. youngest 32yrs. and I can tell you that children don't say to their parents often I LOVE YOU. But they say it in other ways. If you look deeper you will find the answers. Write a journal and letters to your father . You will be amazed at how writing brings memories to the surface and you will have a story forever that you can look back at and Honour The Father you Loved. REGRETS. We all have them. We live in an imperfect world and we are imperfect people trying to live a perfect way.

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