Missing my Dad
**There's a lot of reading, sorry for this.
Today was my Dads funeral. When we began to put the roses on his casket, and began lowering him into his burial area, it hit me. My father is no longer physically with me anymore.
Before this all happened, my Dad was really sick. (He's been through a lot in the past and had a few heart attacks.) At first i thought my Dad just had a fever, and just figured 'eh, he'll get better soon' until it got worse. He started having severe wheezing sounds, sounded as if a lot of phlegm gathered in his throat but it was actually water in his lungs and i wasn't aware of that. I ignored it and thought he'd be better soon. It was the next day, where he had a seizure. I was frightened, cold rushed through my whole body. He began to lose consciousness and stopped breathing. We called 911, and they came around 5 minutes after he was out. They managed to get a pulse on him and had him hospitalized for 2 weeks in ICU. There he laid, just laying there not moving, not waking up. He was pretty much like a vegetable. I prayed and prayed that he would recover, but if he were to recover he wouldn't be the Dad that i knew before. He would just lay in bed his whole life, and i knew my Dad didn't want to live that life. During the end of the 2 weeks, the doctor recommended we end everything. It turned out he had brain damage and was going nowhere. The whole family had a discussion and agreed, because we didn't want to see him suffer anymore. We removed the life support, and i stood there by his side holding his hand. He laid there dying in front of me, my own father. I held his hand through his last minutes, and my last words to him was "I love you, Dad" and i began bawling my eyes out. I've never told my Dad that I loved him, or at least i don't remember.
Before everything happened, my Dad and I weren't too close. We barely talked, and I wasn't the best son to him before it all happened. When he was sick, he would always call me for help every 30 minutes. I would get irritated and annoyed, i gave him attitude. I still helped him with whatever he needed though. He would always say "Thank you" and "Please help me, this is the last time I'll ask for help" and he rarely ever said "Thank you" when he was healthy and strong. I just brushed it off. And now i regret the way i treated my Dad before he went. I wish I could've done a lot more for him before he passed. It makes me sad because, I just think back and i really pitied my Dad. I pray every night to God, telling him to let my Dad know that I do love him, and that I am sorry for the way i acted before he passed. I loved my Dad, but i didn't show it, and I know it was the same for him. When he was sick, he needed the love and care but I only gave him the care. I really miss my Dad, and I need help forgiving myself for how I treated my Dad.