Missing My Husband so badly I can hardly breathe

by Sharon
(Birmingham, AL)

My husband passed away on June 13, 2011. He has been sick over the last ten years many times. He counted up something like 50 plus hospitalizations (He joked about it). But this last time started in December, 2010. He had a blood clot in his lower right calf and they had to do bypass and amputate part of his right foot. Each week of December went by with another surgery until they were able to connect a wound vac. Then January we did Hyperbaric oxygen treatments daily. His foot was healing pretty well when he got a blood clot in his right arm which put us back in the hospital in March, 2011. Well, they couldnt do blood thinners because he bleeds easily. And he is not strong enough to do surgery. And then because he usually ends up with a Staph infection they are giving him Vancomycin as a precaution. But this causes an imbalance of another bacteria that resides in our intestines and the vancomycin kills off that bacteria (C-Diph). It turns out that C-Diph starts attacking your body if it not balanced and he became Septic which means the infection is in his blood. So this put my husband into the ICU on a ventilator, kidneys had failed and they are telling me he is not going make it. I kept telling them you don't know him he has pulled through many other things before (Triple Bypass, Removal of his Pancreas, Hip Replacement, Staph many times, etc.) They wanted me to sign a DNR and I couldn't do it. He always said for me not to give up on him. Well after 60+ days in ICU he was off the ventilator, talking, foot had healed well and we went to a step down unit and he was doing ok with dialysis. After a week of this, the hospital said that he needed to go to a LTACH (Long Term Acut Care Hospital). I thought it was too soon after getting out of ICU. A week just seemed too soon. Well they moved him and I don't know what happened, his Blood Pressure dropped from 114/80 to 90/50. And his lungs started getting filled with fluid. So they had to put him back on the vent and into ICU. So now we are at a new hospital, don't know any of the doctors and seems like the nurses don't make much effort to talk with the family. This is on Sunday night. My husband's BP just keeps dropping a little at a time over Monday. And at the 2:00 p.m. visiting hour, he still could squeeze my hand when I asked him to. but he was so very very sick. I could hear the fluid in his lungs when he breathed. My daughter and I told him how much we loved him and they we were doing everything medically possible but if he was fighting just to stay for us that he needed to do what was best for him. And though we would not want him to go, if he felt it was time we would make it. And then a couple of hours later he coded and the doctors had said CPR and Shocking him wouldn't do any good because of the fluid in the lungs and everything that his body was trying to fight off. And I know that this is true but I can't seem to put it to rest. I keep going over in my mind why I didn't stop them from moving him to the new hospital. I am still trying to save him even though he is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring him back. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for peace of mind, I pray for the panic attacks to stop and for me to be able to just breathe. I pray for strength and courage. I don't know how I will ever be ok with this. And yes I am seeing a psychiatrist but it just hurts. It physically hurts. When will it stop? It has been about 6 weeks and I just want him back. My daughter gets mad if I cry in front of her because she says it makes her sad and why do I question anything that was done because there is nothing we could do about it now. And that he was so very very sick and now there are no more needles and tubes and pain. But I guess I am selfish because I just want him back.
Please Please tell me how I can get through this.

Comments for Missing My Husband so badly I can hardly breathe

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Oct 18, 2013
I miss my love.
by: I can't breath!

I recently lost my love, my life, my soul mate in a tragic car accident. We have 6 children and 1 newborn grandchild. I can't stand this pain, I can't breath, I can't function, but know that I must go on for our children. I think about him every minute and sometimes feel like I am losing my mind! I go to work and I put on a "face" that I am functioning, but I'm dying on the inside. He and I went throught hellish former lives and we finally found each other and have had a wonderful 10+ years together (we had known each other for a very long time prior to that though). I can't imagine my life with out him. Friends and family want me to seek counseling, but quite frankly....I'm not ready. I'm just sad and miss him so very much

Jun 02, 2012
healing by connecting
by: lorretta

Second time here. Its now 10 months since I lost my prince, my teacher, my rock, my sweet brother. No, it did not have to happen (With what I know now). I am a tiny bit calmer. Still heartsick. I feel my true healing can only come from my brother. I feel I made many wrong decisions on his behalf. We were friends forever and lived together 20 years. He suffered schizophrenia and counted on me to make decisions. After 24 years of meds he was becoming very crippled and he went to nursing home for physical therapy. It. all went so badly. Became completely bedridden. I was there everyday after work. Changed to better facility. Never came back home. Died of pneumonia after 13 months. General health was good. NEVER saw this outcome. There is a therapy I have started called EMDR that most psychologists are aware of . I have just started it. Another name is bilateral brain stimulation. In theory painful memory is stored in body and mind. Clears meridians in body and allows actual spiritual connection. I'm not there yet but it really is considered mainstream in psychology. Google it for better description.that is my goal. To reconnect with my brother. Mind to mind. He taught me the body is just dust on the soul. THEY really still live. But are not perceived by our five physical senses. Have hope. Chin up.

Jan 19, 2012
i have to believe
by: loretta

I lost my beloved brother july 28 2011 never dreaming of this outcome when i urged him to go to nursing home for short term physical therapy. After 24 years on psychiatric meds (which calmed him well) he developed something like parkinsons where walking became a struggle.
All nursing homes are not equal. Their p.t. was a joke plus we simultaneously tried a new med that was not supposed to interfere with walking. Disasterous. Everyday after work i found him in bed. Bedsores followed then sepsis then pneumonia. Finally found a better facility thought we had turned a corner. Bedsore healing. General health ok. Too lpng in bed. Pneumonia took him. The pnlu peace i habe is knowing he still lives. I strongly believe in the near death experience and i believe he is alive. I just want so badly to connect. He was my rock. We lived together 20 years. And hindsight is 20/20. I should have taken him off the meds for schizophrenia. I had already been told symptons are less as they age. I could tell his paranoia was less and he was too weakemed by these meds to hurt a fly. He was never dangerous anyway. Just super argumentative. I would take it all back.

Aug 07, 2011
i understand
by: Anonymous

I lost my wife on June 19,2011. she was 47, I cannot stop thinking I could of done more, she too was in the hospital numerous times. she recently had part of her leg removed, all is due to diabetes, thought she was doing better. I will always question myself. I do not want to go on.

Aug 05, 2011
breathe
by: Anonymous

Sharon,

Early in grief the hospital visits stayed fresh in my mind haunting me daily. I still miss him and always will but that desperate need to have him back, in sickness and and health finally lessened allowing me to embrace the life that I was meant to lead in his absence.

Being much further along in grief you would think that I have all the answers the wisdom to explain exactly how to maneuver grief and come out unscathed. In truth we all need to deal with grief in our own way surviving the moment that will stretch into another day.

Please do not allow your daughter or anyone tell you how to grieve. Do not worry about others being uncomfortable with it.
I have had full blown meltdowns in Walmart and could care less.
It is your grief and you ride it out anyway that you can. You will feel you emotions swing from one extreme to the next and blow up on those that you love. You will feel crazy but you are simply crazy with grief.

Come here often we are the life raft on which you sanity hangs and know that we will always listen and never let you down.
HH

Aug 04, 2011
I'm Selfish Also.....
by: TrishJ

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My husband passed away last December while waiting on a cardiac transplant list. We too went through so much. We were involved with 4 different hospitals over a 5 year period. We had some wonderful doctors and nurse.....some not so much....some I really wondered why they chose their profession. They seem to become so hardened to pain and death. It's a survival thing I think.
I know exactly how you feel. I want my husband back so badly. I miss him so much. It's been 8 months and I don't feel like I've made a tremendous amount of progress. But.....that's OK. When I think about where I was 6 months ago I know I have made progress. I just wanted it to happen in a few months. That's not the way it works. We all grieve differently. My daughter too, doesn't want to talk about her father nor does she who much emotion.
I've learned from this site (form some wonderful people) to take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you need to. Don't look too far ahead into the future.
I find myself feeling very sorry for me because we both went through so much to have it end like it did. My husband was also a fighter who had been brought back from death's door at least 20 times over the last 18 months of his life. His doctors loved him for his upbeat attitude. The night he died I said, "No...this can't be happening. Not my husband. He has no intentions of ever leaving us." But leave us he did.
I struggled for months with what if.....maybe if I would've done.....DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF. God had a lot to do with your husband's time. Maybe HE thought it was time for your husband to rest. He had been through enough.
You are not going crazy. It's grief. You feel like you're losing your mind but you aren't. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to speed up the process. I takes time and patience.
Come to this site and write your feelings. It really helps. We are all in this together.
PJ

Aug 04, 2011
getting through it
by: Judy

Sharon,

Your story has touched me deeply as there are so many parallels to mine and barry's story. We too went through a long illness and he was finally taken by sepsis. I had the DNR waived at me also, and I signed it all the time praying I was doing the right thing. We cannot, and you cannot, hold your self responsible for how things went. Our darlings are taken when it is their time. No one can change anything when that time comes. Try to be at peace with yourself for doing the best you could.

Things will get better in time but I am sorry to say before they get better they will get worse. Try to resolve to just live through the day before you. Don't let anyone tell you to cry or not cry or do anything that doesn't feel ok to you. You won't be in your right mind for a while but gradually the fog will clear and life will be better.

Until then come talk to us because we really understand.

JM

P.S. My Barry has been gone almost 2 years. I didn't think I'd live through the first month but here I am. You will be ok.

Aug 04, 2011
No air in our world
by: Zoe

That is the way it feels for us the Widows, like there is no air in our world, every time we breath it hurt, the loss we suffer causes physical pain.
It is 16 months since my John was taken from me. I can tell you that grief is very personal, everyones is different. It is like being on a roller coaster it will throw you one way this minute and another the next. There will be moments when you feel almost normal then you will be thrown down into a pain you did not know you could feel.
You have to be selfish with your grief, if you need to cry, cry. Your daughter also has to deal with her loss, hers is different.
Do what you feel that you can. Our houses get dirty things just sit. the time will come when cleaning helps, it is something mindless to do with your hands.
The pain does not go away, it changes, becomes something you can exist with.
But for now, when it weighs down upon you the weight of the loss the grief, wishing he were here begging him to come back..
you put your head down
and do what we do when nothing else seems to work

One breath, one step, one day at a time.

come here and write when you need to, we are always here, and there is something comforting knowing there is someone out there listening to you at three oclock in the morning.


Aug 04, 2011
Live FOR him
by: Pauline

Hello

I really do know how you are feeling, I lost my partner over twenty years ago and I too thought I couldn't live or breathe without him. It was the worse experience ever and I never thought for one moment I would ever get over it, however, I did......
I found that if I lived each day as he would of wanted me to live it, then this brought me comfort. If I had a decision to make or if I just needed to get through the day I would say "How would Chris want me to live my life today". I would also live my life FOR HIM as he was no longer able to. I hope this brings you a some comfort, I have never been on this sight before, I just happened to stumble across it. PLEASE believe me...one day your pain will be no more, this I can promise you, one hundred percent. You will wake up one day and your pain will have left you. Just remember the happy times you spent with your husband, speak to him as if he is in the room with you. God bless, Pauline.

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