Missing my husband Steve terribly
12/28/10 is when my world was turned upside down. My husband of 14 years died leaving behind 3 children 15, 11 and 5. He was in the UP of MI hunting with some friends and was not feeling the best so his friend brought him to urgent care thinking he had a chest cold. Several hours later he was transferred to Waussau, WI with a small tear in his heart. He became critical during transport, I immediately drove the 4 hours from MN to the hospital. Upon arrival, I suspected it was bad, but never once thought that he may die. After speaking with several doctors the outcome did not look good due to him now being ventilated, kidney and renal failure and no doctor will put him on an operating table at this time. After a couple of days of this, we decide that we should make the move to hospice. I cried and prayed all night long that if there was any hope for him to give me a sign. The next morning I wanted to spend some time alone with him prior to being moved and when I went to his room the nurses told me there was a change of plans that he was doing so much better his kidneys were functioning again the doctor's wanted to evaluate him further and if he continued to make progress they would do surgery. Later that evening the nurse told me that I should go be with our children since he is doing better and that way I could be rested and there when he needed me. As much as I did not want to leave his side I knew she was right and we have 3 kids that needed me also. Prior to me leaving she turned the sedation medication off so that I could talk to him and he would be alert. Even though he could not talk to me due to the ventilator, I was thankful I got to have the conversation I did with him. 2 days later he developed sepsis. The nurse called me explaining that they would be changing his sedation medication so that his heart would not have to work so hard and that it would make him sleep more in hopes that the sepsis would not settle in his heart and now surgery would have to be prolonged again. Next day, he develops a fever, the nurses tell me no worries that is the bodies way of fighting infection. A couple more days go by and now it is Christmas, the phone rings at 6am, my heart drops as I look at the caller ID thank god it is only my dad. I get the news my grandpa died. Ugh...I am really feeling torn as I am suppose to be at my mom's for Christmas with my family and my husband is in the hospital and my dad is with his family grieving the loss of his dad. The kids and I go to mom's for Christmas and I decide that I need to go to the hospital later that evening. I make the 4 hour drive again to find that his temperature is now 105.4. I am irate that nobody called me from the hospital. They run every test imaginable and cannot figure out why he is running a temp. No infection anywhere, even the sepsis is gone. Unfortunately, I have to leave 12/26 late pm to go back to MN to be with the kids. They were not allowed to be at the hospital because he was in ICU. 12/27 I receive a phone call that his temp is now 108.1 they are going to start Hypothermia protocol which will consist of putting cooling blankets on him. 12/28 I call the hospital to get an update and they can't talk someone will call me back. I finally get a call and his temp is now normal, but his kidneys shut down again. I tell the nurse that I am on my way. I am 90 miles away and his heart now goes into arrhythmia. I pray that when I get there he is still alive. (nobody should have to die alone) I get there he is alive, not for long though. I was there 20 minutes before he died. The doctor comes in to tell me that they will be performing an autopsy at the hospital's expense because they feel they gave him a medication that killed him. What? Malignant Hyperthermia...it is genetic. They failed to recognize the symptoms. Here I am 9 months later raising 3 kids on my own that got a phone call to find out their dad died. I wish everyday that I could take their pain and sadness away. I am angry, sad, confused and hate the fact that my kids will grow up without having their dad see them graduate from high school, get married and have children some day and everything else that he should be here for because of someone else's mistakes. I don't want to be around this holiday season so I have booked a cruise for us and I am not sure if this is a good idea anymore because the past few weeks have been terrible as it would have been his birthday and our anniversary and then it just was the 9 month marker. If anyone has young kids that have lost a parent could you please give me ideas as to what kinds of things got you through. Thanks in advance.