Missing my love

by Lorraine
(albuquerque New Mexico)

My finace was killed August 17, 2011. Although its been a little over 5 months, its so hard to make it through the days still. I finally went back to work full time, and am trying to raise our babies on my own. Its so overwhelming most days. I get so angry, I have been mad at him, mad that he left me alone to raise our kids. I have gone thru all the "what ifs" and survivors guilt i guess. I still am.

A stray bullet came thru our front door, hitting him in his heart! He passed away in front of me and our children on our kitchen floor. Not a day goes by that i dont replay that whole day in my head. It was almost me. I wish it would have been me, he was a better person than i am! He was stronger, and caring and fun, outgoing and just a great person, a great daddy. Its hard to look at my kids on some days..and not cry. They deserve their daddy. They are to young, and wont ever have a memory of their dad holding them, or playing with them, none of that. It breaks my heart. And i dread the day that i am going to have to explain to them what happened to their dad.

I dont feel that things are getting better with time..i fake my way thru each day. I put a smile on my face for my kids. Then at night, i cry myself to sleep. Some days i just cant take it. Had to get on medication, so i would stop being a zombie, and so i could enjoy my children. So i could be the mother that i know i am capable of being again. Its hard! Its a rollercoaster ride thats for sure.

I have started a non profit organization Remembering Homicide Victims. That helps me alot. To hear other peoples stories. I have a face book page, Remembering Homicide Victims, where i have met some great people. People who have experienced a similar loss. Before he got killed, i had never known anyone who had passed. Never been to a funeral or anything. Alls i know is i miss him more than anything, im keeping his memory alive in alot of different ways and im just taking it one day at a time!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I am sorry for all of your loss'. GOD Bless you all!