Missing my Mom
I just graduated college and I'm 22. I lost my Mom last October. I just received my first big girl job and it really makes me miss her. I wanted to talk to someone about it but my dad didnt pick up and my sisters sleeping. No one is really comfortable talking about it yet. Sometimes I feel like she is just far away and that I can call her and tell her about this great news and ask for her advise, that I wont take. Then it kind of sinks in and I picture her worn out at her last job sitting at her desk. All it would have taken was a little more of my attention and I could have saved her for a little longer.
We worked together the last few months of her life. She was really struggling with Alcoholism and depression. She had been for a majority of her life. Then a driving under the influence motorcycle crash a few years ago ruined the one thing she was confident about, her intelligence. She was always very bright and quick. Until her brain injury. The doctors informed us at the time of the crash that she would be a vegetable and she ended up proving the doctors wrong and recovering to the point that many would have never guessed it had happened. So she continued to land these hard jobs that stressed her out and lead her to more drinking and problems with her personal relationships. I think she was trying to end it with the motorcycle crash. She had many suicide attempts in her life but I was always blessed with more time. But as the drinking and suicide became more of a reacquiring issue so did my resentment and relationship with my mom.
I'm so thankful she held it together so well for the first 14 years of my life everything seemed perfect and I couldn't be more happy with the way she raised me. She had gastric bypass which I have read can lead to alcoholism. She had a hard life and took care of so many people during her time here. once I was older everyone would give her a hard time about always being drunk. I would catch her drinking and driving or hidden bottles around the house. She wold drink at work or make bad choices drunk at a party and then try to kill herself in the morning. It came to the point where everyone had to kind of babysit her and she was in such denial and would try to hide everything. The last few months were really hard for me and her. She felt so ganged up on that me and my siblings were starting to shut her out. I knew how bad she was doing but yelling at her for her drinking wasn't working anymore. She was so tired I knew all she needed was for everyone to show her some appreciation. I was busy with school and a brat to her at work. You just always think there will be more time.
One monday she didnt show up for work. She worked probably 70 hours a week and was always the first one there in the morning. It was around 11 am when I drove to her house to check on her. It was to late by then, she had taken her life friday night. I called an ambulance and they said there was no point. Its a hard thing to watch someone give up like that and I know that as I advance in my career and relationships build my own family I will only miss her more. The hardest part is regretting the way I treated her and knowing how much I love her. I dont know how to talk about it without making people uncomfortable.. People hear your mom died young and everyone asks was it cancer and when its suicide its harder to say. Harder to understand I don't understand it and I never want to. She was such a big part of my life and talking about her doesn't feel comfortable for me or others and thats hard. Then at the end of the day I will always dream that I'm yelling at her again and that I forgive her but she is back and its crazy trickery because I want to believe it so bad, that when I wake up I im convinced that if I think the right thing it will be over and she is back.
Its not that I'm filled with grief most of my days I go on perfectly happy living the best days of my life young and carefree but its always in the back of my mind.