Missing my mom...
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer April 2013 and passed away at 1:20 am on March 21st 2014, almost a week ago today. She was a nurse, the best nurse around - and everyone at her hospital looked up to her. She cared for those in old age, and she always made an extra effort to comfort and be 200% for all of her patients.
She had a fall at work, following the fall, she had a scanned which is when they discovered a spot on her lung. She had lung cancer, following her first diagnosis, we went to another appointment - it was in her lungs, liver and bones. The doctor had given her 2-3 months without chemo. I was in shock, sad, but I was in denial. I didn't acknowledge it fully, I didn't understand, I thought my mom would be with me forever, she was my other half.
I took her to a few appointments, the crucial appointments, and visited her in the cancer lodge where she would stay during her chemo. Chemo seemed to make everything better and her spot was beginning to shrink, so I was hopeful. Of course, she would have more time. She had more energy, although, she complained that food did not taste the same and she was a little tired sometimes. In my teenage years, from 12-17 I lived away from her, she struggled with depression for most of my youth and wasn't able to cope with me in such years. I forgave her, although, I am not sure that she had forgiven me for not taking responsibility for being such a hard teenager. I always wanted her to be proud of me. When I grew up, I started a business, went to school and moved out on my own. I know she was proud of me.
As I matured, into my twenties, I became much closer to my mom. In the past 2 years, we spoke on the phone almost every day and I stopped in to see her every time I was in town (she lives an hour away). I have many regrets though...
She kept telling me that she was worried I would regret not having enough time with her, if I didn't make more time. I was so busy, with a business, a new boyfriend and adventuring in my 24th year. I wish I had taken her to dinner more, dressed up and made art with her, gone to vegas one last time and listened to more of her stories. I was always in such a rush to get wherever I was going. Mom always took the time to listen to me when I called. Everytime my world was falling apart, she was there and when life was amazing, she was there. Always making time for me. I love her dearly.On her 65th birthday, she had so many appointments for radiation, chemo etc, I asked if she would stay in town so I could see her, she wanted to go home and I didn't want to make the drive after work. She didn't ask me to and made it clear she was okay and would have supper with a friend. We spent Valentines day together and had a sleepover, then, we had birthday cake and chatted for a few hours before falling asleep. She was the only one I could completely be myself with, laugh, be silly and be a child again, I looked forward to my time with her so much - and wonder why I didn't make an effort to do more. I didn't believe she would die.
Saturday March 1st, 2 days after my 26th birthday, I was out with a friend shopping, I remember trying to call her and no answer. I saw her the day before and she was very tired in bed. I kissed her on the forehead and said I love you and talk to you tomorrow. I knew something was off...
I got a call the next day, mom was being flown to the nearest hospital from her town, to Vancouver, where I am. She had an infection and they couldn't treat it. I came right away and visited with her. She would have blood transfusions, as usual - that always gave her more energy. I brought her an ice capp from Tim Hortons (her favourite) and only stayed a few hours, I thought she would be okay. She even got upset with me for texting, she always asked what I would do without my phone. Why didn't I stay longer... this would be the last time I saw her coherent. The next day, she was in isolation, tubules, monitors, she couldn't speak. they moved her to cardiac, then palliative then the hospice - she made it 3 weeks, on meds which took her pain away however, she couldn't carry a conversation, she was out of it. I was there everyday with her, although I never stayed the night, which I also regret. I didn't think it would happen so fast, I still don't understand, I can't stop thinking of her everyday, every minute every second. So many things I want to say and hear her say - stories, how she managed when her husband passed away from cancer. The times I didn't have patience to listen more, why do we take those moments for granted.
My mom adopted me when I was a baby, she couldn't have children of her own. We moved from east to west together when I was 7. I was an only child. My mom was my best friend, confident, the one who loved me unconditionally and was always there, always. She knows me like no other.
I keep waiting for her to visit me, I woke up at 2 am, and checked my phone to see the hospice had called. Had she awakened me? I knew what it meant and I rushed to the hospice. She was gone and only her physical shell lied there, breathless. I had a dream when I arrived home at 4 am, of her, then she was gone. That was it, one dream. I long for her to come back, for a sign that she knows how much I love her, miss her and how she is the most important part and person in my life, my other half, my heart.
I miss her so much, I wasn't ready, I didn't believe it, until it was real and now I can't imagine life without her.