Missing my mother
Hi everyone. I am 28 years old and live in India. I lost my mom 10 months ago to cancer. She had no symptoms and we were shocked to hear from the doc because she was just getting herself checked for jaundice.we never told her. She left us three weeks later. She had to be admitted but we put up a brave front n kept lying to er that she has jaundice and the docs want her to be fit before letting her go home. She did go home for four days but not because she was better but because all the docs had given up. Her cancer was far advanced to be treated.I was devastated the day I got to know that she has this deadly disease. But still a part of me wanted to believe that miracles do happen. Someone somewhere wud b able to help her. Some med will work n we ll hav time to get her treatment started n even take her abroad for treatment. I am the only child. My parents would hav bn married for 40 years this feb. My father n I were totally dependent on her. Alhough I m married but I used to rely on her for everything. We used to speak to each other 5 times a day n meet up v v often. N we had so much fun together. With her I could be just me. I dint hav to bother any anything and anyone. She was like a rock and a cushion to me. She gave me support and comfort. And unconditional love.....all my friends in school used to feel jealous and always said that everyone shud hav parents like mine. I feel a lot of me has died now. I m not the same person I was. I have no will or desire to live. M only living for my father.sometimes I think maybe we should have told get but then I rem how scared she always was of cancer.plus I honestly dint hav the guts to tell her that she was going. N I myself dint Wana face it. But she did go. N infront of us. And we cunt do anything to stop her. I feel I hav let her down. We shared a v v close bond. So y is it that u cunt prevent headroom falling so I'll ?? Or I cunt notice that she's not well ?? Y am I still living, eating , drinking ,etc ?? I have so many regrets and so many questions. So much of guilt on me. Plus the pain of spending every minute without her. I used to always pray every night to GOD that may I never have to see my parents go. N about mama I was so sure that I m going to b with her n lookafter her wen she grows old.but I never got a chance. Wish I had more time to love her n tell her how much I love her. Plus I feel I havnt even been allowed to grieve. I hav people around me who r driving me absolutely crazy. Really want to kill myself but it's only my fathers love that stops me. Apart from that, my life sucks.