missing my wife of 19 years and bff of 24 years

My wife and I have been married for 19 years this week. Approximately 70 days ago she filed for divorce from me. We have three children together 9,11,13. We both grew up in very rough homes as kids. We both faced physical and verbal abuse during our childhoods. I would say we had what I would call a typical marriage up until about 5 years ago. I started having severe back issues. In the past 5 years I have been through two spinal fusions, I have had an internal stimulator installed in my back, I have had numerous nerve blocks performed on my back and nothing really helped. In addition to my back issues I have also had a knee replacement, 9 months after my replacement I somehow ripped my knee cap on the same leg in half. The doctors sewed it back together and I spent 5 days in the hospital, upon release I traveled home and as I got out of the vehicle I somehow ripped it apart again. The doctors have NO encouraging options to fix this. As if all this wasnt enough during this same time period I have also had three blood clots one of which almost took my life. With all the issues I was going through I failed to give my marriage and my spouse the attention they deserved and needed. My wife is telling me she no long wants to be married, she just wants to best friends and live by herself with 50/50 shared custody of our kids. We spoke with a counselor to which I feel was of no help as she never really gave us guidance on how to fix our marriage. My wife tried to get me to attend counseling about midway through all my issues but I was to proud and stubborn to attend. Now we are separated and the divorce is all but final. I am heartbroken and cry multiple times daily as I miss my wife and best friend ao much. I have asked that we go to a marriage counselor that specializes mainly in marriage help, she is refusing. I continue to try and push for togetherness. I am in desperate need of advice as to what can I do to fix our marriage.

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Oct 16, 2014
missing my wife of 19yrs. and bff of 24yrs.
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your painful life at the moment. Illness can break a family up. Don't beat yourself up for not being attentive to your wife when you were facing illness. It is illness that is the great test in a marriage and many don't survive the pain and problems that they can see no way out of. It is a pity that when your wife encouraged you to go to counselling that you didn't hear her, or respect her need to sort out the problems that existed. You closed your eyes to them. It is hard for a man to accept there is a problem and to take the initiative to go to counselling. It may be too late now. Your wife has lost the motivation to sort out the problems almost as if something in her has died and she can't get back the desire to make the marriage work. You may have to just accept that your marriage is over and try to see a grief counselor for support and the best way forward for both of you. It takes two to make a marriage work. If you both are not pulling together for the marriage, it won't work. I know this is not what you want to hear, but hearing it will help you to grieve and move forward, better.
My son has a wife who is friends with her EX. Takes him on holiday and puts too much energy into him that should go into the marriage. My son moved out 2 weeks ago. I urged him to try and work out his problems with help from a counselor specializing in marriage. He is very wise and sensible and if his wife does not commit to counseling or walks away my son knows he did everything he could to save his marriage. But won't tolerate his wife's behavior. My son is very committed to the marriage and attentive to his wife's needs. She is slowly pushing him to the edge where he can't be bothered to fight for this marriage anymore. It has worn him out. But he is trying one last time. He is easy going and doesn't ask a lot. He is very giving. Pampers his wife and does too much for her in the way she gives this same attentiveness to her EX. A man gets to the point where he knows what he will and won't put up with and when to walk away. Before this he was crying and didn't want to leave her. She owns the house and so controls my son. She threw him out of HER HOUSE 5 TIMES. My husband was dying of cancer and we rescued our son and cared for him when he was emotionally broken. Now my son has finally grown up into the man his father would be proud of but not here to see this. My son will walk away with his dignity and Integrity intact. He believes in FIDELITY in a marriage and won't tolerate anything else. I hope my son's experience will give you strength to survive your own reality and perhaps loss of marriage. When the spirit is broken it is hard to win the partner back into the marriage.

Oct 16, 2014
by: Anonymous

She is obviously adamant about what she wants to do. Go to grief counseling for yourself and try to get yourself better and love your kids and if you have one, look to your higher power. Become whole and your X wife will respect that. Give her space and enjoy your children. They need a Father to lead. Go to counseling for yourself. I will pray for you. Mary

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