Missing the Unseen

I never saw her. She died on October 26..i was exactly 2 months old. It was 29 days till she turned 30. I never knew what killed her; some people said it was typhoid fever..some said it was a spiritual death, and others said it was from birth pains..i don't know which one to believe. I'm now almost 17; i love singing,and on the outside, i look oh so happy, when on the inside, i'm a broken and abandoned two months old baby that nobody wanted..i heard she loves singing too..from my dad. He only talks about her when i do something wrong. I don't know what it is, but i don't trust anyone..my dad, my step mom, my step sister, my cousin, nobody..i have this hidden feeling that they're fake..they're all against me..trying to pull me down.
I wish she left something behind..i wish she could appear to me in my dreams and just comfort me..i'm not a pathetic or sad person..it's just sometimes, i just wanna talk to someone..i'm known for being quiet, but i know i'm not quiet..i'm not depressed, it's just that living for almost 17 years, looking at babies play with their moms, giggle and laugh, watch my step sister and her mom argue about irrelevant things, without getting jealous is pretty lonely..i've never felt the love of a mother before..my step mom was good, as step moms are, but i didn't have great childhood memories with her..mine was full of nightmares.
I miss not having someone to talk about your heartbreaks,comparing traits, and even getting into little fights with..i really do..it feels like it's me against the world...and i have this fear that i'm gonna die young like she did..i'm really scared..i don't want my kids to go through what i go through..i don't want them to be as lonely, and boring as i am...i don't wanna die leaving the love of my life to another woman after working so hard to get him..i don't want my kids to be abused..sad, pathetic, and lonely as i grew up to be...i'm scared...

Comments for Missing the Unseen

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May 12, 2014
Fear and Trust is affecting my life!
by: Doreen UK

Approaching your post from another perspective, it would seem that FEAR and TRUST issues are very much affecting your life. Your father may have failed in nurturing you at this time due to the events that took place in the death of your mom. Moving into a new relationship to meet his needs may have left you feeling neglected and abandoned. Abandonment issues can affect one's life so badly that counselling may be a helpful intervention to help the healing process start. As we get older any unresolved issues will start pressing for resolution which is why you need answers about your Past which is affecting your present and you thinking of how the future will be for you. You need to have a long discussion with your father about your NEED to know what happened to your mother. Let your father know it is affecting your sense of Identity and Who you are? He is being cruel by telling you half truths so you won't ask anymore. You shouldn't have to do wrong things to get his attention about your mother, and what happened to her? He needs to be open and honest with you. Let him know you are old enough to know your HISTORY. Everyone needs to know their HISTORY. It is how we develop and evolve in our environment. Showing Maturity will allow your father to see that you are not his little girl who needs to be protected from the truth. Let your father know that you need to TRUST him by what he tells you. This is his responsibility. Not yours. You are carrying this burden and he can help you with it.
When you get the answers you need it may very well break down some of the fears you are left holding.
Many families have secrets they take to grave with them because of the fear and shame it will do to the family. This was more of a problem many years ago. Today families are more open. But still RECLUSIVE is many ways for some.
Your father holds the secret to you being able to move forward in your life with some independence. You are now an Adult so will be able to access further studies and these may include courses that will help you develop the way you need to by knowledge which will increase your confidence and teach you skills you will need in life. You can still live a successful life. Focus on the present and not so much the future. The future holds FEARS for all of us on this planet with life changing so rapidly.

May 12, 2014
Missing the Unseen
by: Doreen UK

You missed that close bond and nurturing of a mother in those early first few days and months of life. So will feel this VOID in your life that may never go away. You could benefit from seeing a psychologist/counsellor with skills to help you work through some of your complex feelings so that you can adapt to life now. You have so many unresolved feelings and hurts in your young life that can be managed by good therapy in helping you to change your thought processes so you see your world in a different way. Many people have fractured lives and go on to make a success of life. Don't let your past or the way you feel now limit your life. With the correct support you can be successful. You just need a lot of guidance and support.
It hurts when you see other's with a good healthy relationship with their mom's that you didn't have and long for. This is normal. Don't turn these feeling inwards and let it take root and feel worse thinking there is something wrong with you. WORK HARD AT BUILDING YOURSELF UP emotionally, by thinking outwardly. Set goals for yourself. Find ways you can make friends. Learn a career or hobby that will build you up and give you the confidence and starting point. If you don't know God, get acquainted with Him and let God into your heart and life and work those changes inside you to make your life happier. A church may be a good starting point to find and put people into your life to make it less lonely. Get involved in Church or projects that will BUILD YOU UP. Invest your life into something that you are interested in, even if you are feeling vulnerable it is a good starting point. When things don't work out as they often won't DON'T EVER GIVE UP!. You were given life. You survived one of the most painful childhoods. See this as an achievement. "I SURVIVED." "Now I am going to make a SUCCESS of my life. YOU CAN. Many people are all messed up and can go on to make a success of life and so can you. Don't become too dependent on other people even for your self esteem because people are human and will always let us down. Building yourself up will give you the confidence to Live life without limits and become the person you were meant to be, and this is hard work for even those of us who did have functional childhoods. I went into counselling and this was the start of my way back into life. My early years of life were MISERABLE. I didn't feel like living. God changed my life and put the most amazing people in it to help make life good. My happiness is having God in my life, and people that I can care for.
Write back as often as you need to for support and encouragement. I wish you every success in life, and know you will find your way in life. You are still very young and I remember being 17yrs. and what this felt like. Best wishes.

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