Misunderstanding Results in Losing my Father and Man I love

by Jean
(Toledo, OH, USA)

The background - I am a divorced mom of two kids. I live very independently, with no support from their father of any kind. My boyfriend and his three children moved in about 6 months ago. My kids are with us 90% of the time and his kids are with us 50% of the time.

Thanksgiving evening after a wonderful day of family celebration with my family, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and my two children. Many good things eaten and much wine drank. My 10 yr old daugther sitting on my boyfriend's lap, when suddenly my father misinterprets the situation and accuses my boyfriend of being inappropriate. He asks my boyfriend to go with him to another place in the home where he threatens his life and discharges a firearm to prove a point. Everyone left immediately, my brother telling my mom he and his family will never return for a family holiday.

I am a Daddy's girl and have always defended him and loved him through and through. I spoke to him the day after this and just couldn't get him to see how badly he has hurt me, my boyfriend and the family. I have lost him. I cannot reconcile his behavior. I cannot reconcile how this gets repaired. I cannot reconcile if it should be repaired.

My boyfriend is moving out and has decided we are also over as a result of this. The only thing I can compare this to is a death - sudden - unexplained - devastating. He says that he doesn't want to hold me back from a relationship with my family. I have asked to just give time, not make any rash decisions, that I have allowed him to guide this relationship from the start and that now he must lean on me. He says I am asking a lot of him. Just the night before, we were talking about future plans; nothing major, mostly things we wanted to do to the house. We had dreams together. We had hopes, wishes and desires. He says he isn't angry with me. He holds nothing against me. He expects the children will still get together to play.

But where does that leave us? Him? Me? Will time heal? Can this ever be repaired? I'm left with losing the two men I love most in this world. One I want back now; the other, I don't know if I can ever have a relationship with again and if I do, it certainly will be a very different one. I have asked him if I can hope for us to at least get to the place we were before he moved in - two houses, two families, but very much together - sharing and experiencing our lives together. He says I can hope, but to be careful. He doesn't want to hurt me more. I am lost...

On top of it all, he just lost his Grandmother, 5 days after this awful feud. He was very close to her. He must feel his world crumbling around him. How do I support him, give him space and still take care of me and my children?

Comments for Misunderstanding Results in Losing my Father and Man I love

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Nov 29, 2012
Misunderstanding Results in Losing my Father and the Man I love.
by: Doreen U.K.

Jean you are in a very difficult position caught in the middle of Father and boyfriend. How would you feel if you moved away from your father and went to an area where you and your boyfriend could make a go of your relationship? Would you be happy doing this? Would you miss your father if he wasn't in your life? Can you make a healthy choice?
It is not your responsibility to make your father see what his behaviour has caused you and your blended family. Try your mother or a significant other person to speak to him. You are too close to your father for any impartial reasoning.
Your father was out of order to behave the way he did. (even if it was for the right reasons.) Your boyfriend would have felt disrespected and humiliated. It is no wonder he moved out. Your boyfriend is caring enough to move out and not come between you and your dad. Your boyfriend is behaving more mature than your father. Even if you are a Daddy's girl there has to be healthy boundary setting. Fathers also cannot be too close to their daughters. this also is unhealthy. You are grown up into a woman Your father should cut the ties. You have to be allowed to have a relationship and parents keep their Place in your life. You only have to make one decision. Do you want to carry on the relationship with your boyfriend? If so. Move away from daddy. If your Dad eventually dies you will have to process whether this risk is worth you moving away. No time for Guilt. Weigh up everything before you make a decision.
Family gatherings are important. Everyone was having a good time. Your Father spoilt the party. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. You have to make a very difficult decision based on what you want to happen in your life.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. marriage to cancer 6 months ago. My father was biased against my then boyfriend. My mother wanted me to leave him and move in with her. I resented their behaviour. If it came down to it. I would have moved away from my parents and not gone back to see them. So many people from both sides of our family interfered in our relationship. My parents at the time were cruel. I ignored them. I can never condone wrong behaviour. My parents were in the wrong. I went on to have the most happy 44yrs. which I would have been denied had I put my parents feelings first. My parents went on in the years ahead to realise they were wrong. My husband was insulted but never showed this. he was a gentleman to the day he died. My father loved my husband the best. He realised he was wrong. You will know your heart as I did. you will know what you want out of life and go for it even if you have to move away from other members of the family who you love. Your father will be responsible for the division.
I hope it all works out good for you and you get your life back the way you want it. Best wishes.

Nov 29, 2012
Loosing But gaining Insight
by: judith in California

One -I would never let a man move in with me until marriage..that’s being independent.)

Two-I personally feel she should not have been sitting on your BOYFRIENDS lap. She is too old for that. Even your writing that sent up a red flag in my head.

Three- Your Father obviously felt the same way I did. It is a known fact that a non-parent male could end up molesting a non-natural child.

Four- It’s best he move out . As an outsider, I feel there may be a bit of truth to the accusation. Why would he move out if he truly loves you and your children and has a clear conscious? You don’t let a man move in without marriage , especially when you have children.

Five- where does this leave you? With plenty of time to rethink the situation . Your Father ,in his mind, was protecting your daughter, his granddaughter. You can’t fault him for that, just in the manner he did it. Be thankful. I, too, would have a talk with your daughter and ask if anything has ever happened. In the future I would not let her sit on any man’s lap.

Six- You are only responsible for you and your children. You know? The same way you did before you met him.

He made a choice to leave...leave him be. If he decides he wishes to resume a relationship then tell him not without marriage first. Don’t be so free with yourself and your children.

Nov 28, 2012
is your father crazy
by: Anonymous

Has your father ever shown any signs of being crazy? Did your boyfriend and he get along before that night? If the answers are yes and no perhaps you need to step back and think about why your father behaved the way he did. Just maybe there was reason for concern. A lot of wine you say, well sometimes people do things that are inappropriate under the influence. Just maybe your father was being protective of your daughter. Perhaps you should let things settle down and talk with your daughter to make sure nothing has ever occurred in the past. I would hate to think so but one never knows...

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