Misunderstanding Results in Losing my Father and Man I love
(Toledo, OH, USA)
The background - I am a divorced mom of two kids. I live very independently, with no support from their father of any kind. My boyfriend and his three children moved in about 6 months ago. My kids are with us 90% of the time and his kids are with us 50% of the time.
Thanksgiving evening after a wonderful day of family celebration with my family, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and my two children. Many good things eaten and much wine drank. My 10 yr old daugther sitting on my boyfriend's lap, when suddenly my father misinterprets the situation and accuses my boyfriend of being inappropriate. He asks my boyfriend to go with him to another place in the home where he threatens his life and discharges a firearm to prove a point. Everyone left immediately, my brother telling my mom he and his family will never return for a family holiday.
I am a Daddy's girl and have always defended him and loved him through and through. I spoke to him the day after this and just couldn't get him to see how badly he has hurt me, my boyfriend and the family. I have lost him. I cannot reconcile his behavior. I cannot reconcile how this gets repaired. I cannot reconcile if it should be repaired.
My boyfriend is moving out and has decided we are also over as a result of this. The only thing I can compare this to is a death - sudden - unexplained - devastating. He says that he doesn't want to hold me back from a relationship with my family. I have asked to just give time, not make any rash decisions, that I have allowed him to guide this relationship from the start and that now he must lean on me. He says I am asking a lot of him. Just the night before, we were talking about future plans; nothing major, mostly things we wanted to do to the house. We had dreams together. We had hopes, wishes and desires. He says he isn't angry with me. He holds nothing against me. He expects the children will still get together to play.
But where does that leave us? Him? Me? Will time heal? Can this ever be repaired? I'm left with losing the two men I love most in this world. One I want back now; the other, I don't know if I can ever have a relationship with again and if I do, it certainly will be a very different one. I have asked him if I can hope for us to at least get to the place we were before he moved in - two houses, two families, but very much together - sharing and experiencing our lives together. He says I can hope, but to be careful. He doesn't want to hurt me more. I am lost...
On top of it all, he just lost his Grandmother, 5 days after this awful feud. He was very close to her. He must feel his world crumbling around him. How do I support him, give him space and still take care of me and my children?