Mom and Dad

by Sue
(Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin)

My parents were inseparable thru my entire life. They did everything together, and in later years, got sick together. When one got a cold, the other did. When one got heart problems, the other did, days apart. Later in life, my mom had Alzheimer's, my dad had another type of dementia. It got hard, toileting, diapers, feeding, transfering, tucking them in bed, dealing with all their other health problems. They argued like kindergarteners, tattling on each other. I played the parent. But in my caring, all of our conversations were reliving life from their memories as children to memories of me as a child. It was beautiful, daily, minute to minute, nontstop. We lived in the past. I could not bear to send them to a nursing home, so I took care of them in their home for 4 years, the last 2 very intense, spending all my days at work while other family members cared for them, then all nights and weekends with my parents. When my mother died, my father told me every day he wanted to go be with her. I cared for my dad a mere 44 days when he passed away, gone to be with mom. I hadnt yet mourned mom's death. We talked of plans with mom and dad, of their funeral, burial, what to wear, they asked me how I would clean up their house and last business. They worried for me. It was such a long long good-bye, but I told them not to concern themselves or worry, that it all would go smoothly. But no one thought including myself about the loss I would endure losing both of them so closely. Every day I think of them and miss them with all my heart. I feel so alone like an orphan even though an adult.

Comments for Mom and Dad

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Nov 23, 2012
Mom and Dad
by: Mom and Dad

Sue BLESS YOU! for taking such good care of your Mom and Dad in the latter years of their life when facing such a cruel illness.
It matters not how old we are or our parents are, we never outgrow that need to have our parents around. It gives us that feeling of protection and security that we always need. The LONLINESS, and ALONENESS is quite crippling. When my mum died 9 years ago I was still secure because I had my husband. But 6 months ago he died of cancer and I nursed him for 3yrs.39days. He died a slow death and it was very cruel and painfull to watch this daily. Feeling Helpless! not being able to console him or make it better.
You are very brave to have asked your mom and dad their wishes and the whole burial issue. I couldn't do this. We avoided this when it came to make a Will. My husband left it to me because He couldn't process Death and dying. It is good he did this. His family caused us so much grief because they wanted the control of how he was laid to rest. Steve wanted a cremation. His family don't believe in it and so I respected their wishes and gave Steve a burial according to the Will & Testament giving me the Control here. But it turned ugly. My nieces persecuted me and my daughter for having made up the whole cremation decision as a way of causing them pain.
Now Steve's one and only sister wished I had buried Steve secretly without letting the other 2 brothers know. I couldn't do this. I respected them and their wishes were taken into consideration. But perhaps it would have been better. Because the Heart Stone ornament with a precious message for Steve was smashed last week. I now have had to remove all potted plants and flowers from the grave and leave this empty due to the vandalism. There is nothing I can do. The grave staff said I have to let the Police know. Or take out an insurance against the Memorial I am having done now. Steve's grave may be defaced by the nieces. I won't go to the Police. Due to the harassment we told the Police and they took a report. When the police went to speak to my 2 nieces they said something that made the Police officer take their side. I am left out in the cold here. Steve's only sister has had to cut herself off from her family due to the evil here from the nieces.
We just soldier on with our grief and hope we get through it and are able to go on in life. For me I don't know what is next?

Nov 21, 2012
We shall survive
by: Chris J

Dear Sue:

I feel your pain. We are somewhat united in our common grief. The only way we can look at it is at least they are still together, in death as in life. We should all be so lucky to know this kind of love in our lives. You are to be commended for your love and loyalty to them both. Know you did all a daughter could do. God bless you.

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