Mom and Terry
In loving Memory
Monday, August 8, 2011, started out as any normal day would. I woke up to my alarm, got up, took a shower, my fiancée got my two daughters ready, and we all headed out the door. It had been sunny the day before and that morning, it was gloomy and sprinkling. I was a little bit more irritated than normal. I just wanted to take my girls to my mom’s and step dad’s for daycare as I had for the last several years and get my work day over with. When I arrived at my parent’s house, my step dad’s truck was parked on the side of the road as sometimes it was. I got the girls out of the car and took them up to the front door. The door was locked, so I figured my step dad had just slept in, as he sometimes did, and I knocked. Alicia (a sister of a sister in law) answered the door. I walked in with my girls and went straight to my parents’ bedroom and opened the door, expecting to see my step dad and mom lying in their bed and to tell my step dad that the girls were there. Their bed was empty. I panicked for a moment. My mom had terminal cancer and the first thought that went through my head was that they were at the hospital. I had Alicia call the hospital to see if my mom had been admitted while I searched throughout the house for them. I even had to look out the door again to make sure that I had seen my step dad’s truck. It was there. I looked in the extra bedroom and the garage. Nothing. Alicia got off the phone and said that the hospital did not have a record of my mom being there. Now I was really starting to panic and I went out front to tell my fiancée who was waiting in the car that my parents were nowhere to be found. He came in and at that point, I dialed my step sister’s number and began asking her if she had heard from them. My fiancée went out into the backyard. The next thing I knew, he came in crying hysterically, saying they were dead in the hot tub room. I can hear him say, “Mom and Terry are dead.” I don’t know why I did what I did next, perhaps it was because my fiancée was always playing tricks on me, but I stormed out into the backyard and swung open the door to the hot tub room. There they were, their lifeless bodies, just lying in the hot tub. I could not see their faces, just their hair. I was still on the phone with my step sister and I just started screaming and crying and ran into the house. It is at that point that I just collapsed in the hallway, which I don’t remember. I could not believe that this was actually happening. I had just seen them the prior Friday.
It wasn’t their time to go. I am always told that I need to think of it as my mom is not suffering anymore. She’s not lying awake at night anymore, unable to sleep. She isn’t falling anymore uncontrollably; she doesn’t have to takes several pills a day anymore. She didn’t have to suffer through the seizures caused by the cancer anymore. Despite all of those reasons, my mom wasn’t ready to die. I know she wasn’t ready to die. I had always thought that I would say goodbye to her in a hospital bed. Instead I didn’t get to say goodbye at all. As for my step dad, he did not have to deal with the loss of my mom because he went with her and that was how he would have wanted it. I got along with my step dad, but he could be irritating sometimes. He loved to talk and he loved to repeat his stories. He had a stuttering problem. All these things annoyed me, but now I want him back so I can hear his stories and hear him stutter. It’s hard because as long as both my kids have been alive, they have been watched by my mom or step father (my step father more during the last few years). Now I am struggling at finding daycare and all it does is make me think of them.
Every day I think of them. They were my rocks. They were the place that I could go to escape. Now everything that goes wrong in my life or if I am having a bad day, I get a feeling of helplessness. I can’t go talk to them. I can’t hear my step dad calling me to tell me that I need to pick up the kids’ vitamins he called in or that they needed more diapers and wipes at their house. He was a great grandpa to my children. They adored him. Chloe is only two and it makes me sad that she will probably not remember him as she gets older, like my 7 year old will. All I can do is keep the pictures of them and show them to her. Both my girls were grandpa girls and that is what makes me saddest of all.
I will say that I have done better than I would have expected in myself. I don’t cry very much anymore, only a tear, here and there. I think about them a lot, but I still move forward in this world because the world isn’t going to stop for little old me. I need to be strong for my children and when I do cry, I try not to in front of them. Despite this, I am still always irritated, I can’t talk to my fiancée about it, I don’t feel like doing anything and I keep it all bottled up inside. I fear that it will in the end tear my fiancée and me apart. And the sad part is, I don’t seem to care.
They say that loss loved ones are closest to you now more than ever. And when you have that dream, a dream that seems so real, of your loved one coming to you, it’s really them. I have had 3 total dreams about them in the almost three months they have been gone. But they never seem real and they never talk to me. I just want that one dream that I can remember. I vaguely remember a dream with my mom and she is crying and telling me she is sorry. Not very comforting.