Mom, Dad & my Sister died within 1 year of each other!

by Celia
(KwaZulu Natal)

My sister died on the 4th December 2008 ... then on the 31st December 2008, my dad died and then on the 21st December 2009 my mom died ... it's the 14th November 2011 today and I started crying for them! I didn't grieve and spent the last 2 years in SHOCK (I think) ... I withdrew from everything and everyone! I even shut my entire family-in-law out of my life ... I couldn't speak to them on the phone & my loving husband went to visit them on his own & when he was with his family, I would break out in the most aweful anger and rages and cause the most incredibly horrible fights with him! I hated them and him for having the love and fun with each other! I was jellous of what they had! My sisters death was unexpected and because of a family fight, I didn't see her for 2 months and then she was dead! I got there to late to say goodbuy! My dad I saw the day before he died in the hospital ... he'd been ill for a while & I knew he wouldn't last much longer and promised him that I would take care of my mom! Then my mom moved in with me & I had to be strong for her (they were married for 53 years) & because I didn't understand grief (never experienced it before), I didn't know what to do or say to her or myself & after 3 months I phoned her best friend to fetch her, because we were fighting all the time! (my mom had a back operation 1 month before my dad died - so she was in physical and emotional pain, and I just didn't know what to do!)
So off she went ... I chucked her out!!! I only saw her once in June 2009 and then I was impatient with her and then one morning on the way to work, my phone rang and it was from her cell phone! I didn't answer because I was busy driving & I didn't want to speak to her either ... but when I got to work, I decided to return her call! My moms neighbor answered my moms cell phone & simply said to me: "Your mom is dead" !!!
I phoned my husband and drove to her home - he was there before me and her best friend was also there! I didn't see her again !!! We had the memorial service ... we packed up her house (people going through her cupboards like scavengers, looking for treasures - just chucking out JUNK) ... I felt so betrayed ... so empty, that I couldn't even stop this from happening !!! There was no respect for our mother and I joined in with all these fucking horrible people, crushing her memory !!! I couldn't help myself ... it was almost an out of body experience (difficult to explain) !!!
I didn't grieve for my sister or dad and here my mom was dead ... I shut down completely ... this is the VERY FIRST TIME that I'm writing about it ... feeling it ... and it hurts like hell ... (words are so empty) !!!
I feel incredible GUILT and SHAME for how I treated her when she was still alive and even how I treated her memory !!!
I loved her more than life itself - although we had a very rocky relationship all these years ... she was my life and now she's gone ... I have nobody !!! Who do I phone when my heart is broken (like now) ... who will give me a kiss to make my headache better ... I will never feel her soft hand on my cheek or stroking my hair ... I will never hear her voice again ... I will never smell her again ... she's just some ashes in a bottle in my art room ... I will never have to opportunity to appologise for my shitty behaviour before and after her death ... my head feels like it's going to burst, just thinking about it ... I not only broke a promise to my dad, but I let my own selfishness and pride stand in the way of me spending my moms last year with her !!!
What an arse I am ... what a numbnut ... how will I ever be able to forgive myself for what I've done !!! I don't see how this will ever be possible !!!

This means nothing now ... but I Love You Mom and you dad and Runel ... I miss you so much and I'm so VERY VERY VERY VERY SORRY for my stupidity and pride and selfishness !!! I love you all and thank you for giving me the love and support you did all these years !!! I can't believe that I didn't love you more ... I'm sorry for that too ... I'm sorry for all the dissapointments I brought into your lives, the hurts and the pain ... I am so sorry for being born - you deserved a much better daughter than I ever was or could ever hope to have been ... I AM SO SORRY !!!