Mom didn’t leave the way we planned.

by Marisa
(Vallejo, CA)

Mom had been sick for many years, emphysema, diabetes, breast cancer survivor, congested heart failure and renal disease. We had planned to do hospice care at home when it was time. Sat. my brother found her dead on the kitchen floor. Something happen with the oxygen cord? Mom panic? Fell and hit her head. what happen, will never probably know. Did she have a heart attack? No good byes! No I love you Momma! And how long did she suffer before she died? She was alone! I’m struggling with this, her death was antic aped, her sudden death was not and it was shocking. That’s not the way we planned it.

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Jan 17, 2013
Mom didn't leave the way we planned
by: Federico

I'm so sorry for your loose, Certainly, we can't planned nothing. A year ago I suffered the same when my Mum passed away.All hopes broken. And everyday from the beginning, was whorst than yesterday. But today I'm strong than yesterday. Eight or nine months of tears, trying to avoid memories, living alone in the same home... But today I learned to put everything in my heart, and try to go forward. Is a kind of illness, and needs time, company... And for who lives alone, it's a hard way to walk. But sometimes We wake up, and we may look with distance, without cry. And then could be a little bit . My best wishes for all who have losted someone.

Jan 10, 2013
by: Theresa

Dear Marissa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that can be said that will help heal the pain.
I will send you hugs and prayers for comfort. I hope that you have friends & family who can give you support. Sometimes they cannot, because people often act out during times like this in ways that are difficult to understand - everyone responds to loss and grief in unique and often strange ways. Try not to let it bother you, but do reach out for help if you can - a church, community center, grief support group at the hospital or elsewhere, grief counselor, etc. It's ok to ask for help, and sometimes others want to help but they don't want to intrude or they're afraid to offer. Do take good care of yourself, rest, try to eat healthy meals, take a walk with a friend, visit someone who understands your need for support right now, if you like animals spend time with them, be outside in nature - even if it's cold (bundle up!), do whatever it takes to nurture yourself. What I find comforting is to "talk to Mom" about all sorts of things (cooking, plants, how is she doing, life, etc...), and then be still and listen for her response - that soft sound in my head or my heart that is the part of Mom that remains with me. It won't take away the pain, but maybe it will some comfort to you, too?

Holding you in love & light,

Jan 10, 2013
me too
by: Anonymous

Time has not helped me!!!!!!!!!!! A year and a half since the unexpected death of my mother!!!!thirteen days after being diagnosed with cancer. I am an only child and unmarried no children am a 47 year old orphan. My father having also died of cancer ten years ago. She would have been 75 this coming monday. I have tryed councilling, group and private, nothing is working. I am on antidepressants and anxiety medication. Me who never took anything stronger than an aspirin. I have lots of friends and extended family but that does not help!!!!!!! I am so angry and bitter at I don't even know what....her doctor that misdiagnosed her is part of it. God that i prayed to so hard. She suffered the pains of hell the last few days of her life. Such gentle caring loving parents who lived for me adored me are both gone. My father's death was at least peaceful. Why did my mother have to suffer so much she never harmed a fly. Such a giving caring selfless woman why such suffering???? What did we ever do to deserve heart feels like it has been ripped out of my body!!!!!1 My poor mother i never left her side she struggled to live as her biggest fear was leaving me!!!! I told her I loved her i held her hand I literally never left her hospital room for 13 days for fear that she would die without me near her. So sudden so unexpected.....the world seems to be going on around me and I am stuck with this profound grief. I had such a strong faith now I just don't know what and if i believe . Thank God for this web sight the only place i can truly express how i feel. I tell everyone i am fine because i am sick of hearing how i should feel, when i should feel it, what i should and should not do, how i need to move on....I have learned never to say these things to anyone because i hate hearing them so i share nothing. I visit the cemetery everyday. I just sold our house because the memories were killing me. I just bought a new house everyone is happy for me except me!!!!! To me it is just a house no excitement.....I had wanted to move for years my mother refused to sell the home my father had built for us. Well i did it just add it to my list of things to feel guilty about. I just can't live in this big house with all these memories.....each room is so full of them....My mother became such a recluse since my father died. She lived only for me she waited by the door each night for me to come home from work, she rarely left the house...never entered a store, a restaurant or any place since his death. Only church, home and cemetery. I tried so hard to keep her going.....I never expected this to be so hard!!!!! I thankful for my job the only normal thing in my life i hope that i will be able to continue to at least get that feeling from work.

Jan 10, 2013
Mom didn't leave the way we planned
by: Doreen U.K.

Marisa I am sorry for your loss of your Mom to a sudden death. Life is so unpredictable. So is DEATH. Often we plan something and it turns out the opposite and it adds to the grief you already have with the loss of your mom.
You may benefit from grief counselling since this was a sudden death. You will be facing DISBELIEF. Shock. ANGER. All the emotions that come with a sudden death.
I knew my husband had a deadly cancer and he would die. I refused to believe this. I WAITED AND WAITED FOR A MIRACLE. Just like one prays and believes with HOPE. I was left very ANGRY.
Life is full of mystery and changes taking place. How often does one have their plans work out the way they want. Some intrusion takes place. I can feel your grief. You don't know how your mom died? Did she suffer? She died alone how did she feel? You can't concern yourself with these thoughts because your mom can't feel anything now. This is part of your grief and you have to feel it before the feeling goes. Cry it out. Shout it out. Write it out in a journal. You have to feel the release before you can move forward. It will take time.

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