Mom died, four months later Dad died

Mom died of lung cancer Oct 18, 2013. My Mom never smoked, ate unhealthy, or drank. She was 76, but we thought she would live to be 100, she was 76. When she died, it was the hardest day of my life. My Dad also suffered from MDS, a blood disorder. Dad went in for a blood transfusion, which he had done in the past. He was weak and in pain, he had severe back pain and we thought his weakness was due to lack of blood. However, doctors did cscan and found cancer in his lung and upper spine. The tumor also fractured his vertebrae, causing him the intense pain. My father grew very weak in the hospital and passed Feb. 21, 2014.

I feel like I'm in a daze. I cry all the time and feel alone, though I have a wonderful husband and great friends. I feel no hope, I feel anger and I feel my insides have been ripped out of me. I have tuned into a crying, but very cold person. I feel I am losing compassion to people. I don't like what I have become. I have become distant to my friends, but talk to my family. I feel no joy, i dont smile anymore and cant remember when i actually laughed. I don't know if I need therapy or if this is normal. Honestly, I don't care about myself anymore. I feel no hope. How long will I feel this way, do I need help? Is this part of grieving??? I'm lost without them.

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Jul 04, 2014
Mom died, 4 months ago Dad died
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
Having read your posts again I feel that you are in CRISIS, and need to start to process seeing a counsellor. You may be stuck in grief and a blockage is preventing you from moving forward in the way you hoped. I understand. I have been where you are and needed to see a counsellor in my 40's. I have had the most amazing healing from seeing a therapist. It was a most painful experience having repressed my losses my whole life. But I look back and see this as the best investment I made in my life.
You won't know how much better you can feel till you take yourself in hand and let someone skilled help you.
You owe it to yourself and your husband and family. You are having thoughts that strike me that you are in crisis You have reached your rock bottom as I did. Don't delay. Get help/support. You won't regret it. Your thinking will then change and so will your life change for the better, as you try hard to resolve issues contributing to your grief.

Jul 04, 2014
Mom died, l4 months later Dad died
by: Doreen UK

Dear anonymous,
What and how you are feeling now is normal and what every one of us faced in the weeks to months after losing a loved one. some people have lost more than one person even enduring multiple losses and this loss needs to be processed either with a counsellor or within the close context of your extended family support.
I felt the same way as you. Thinking I will be this way forever. Crushed and unable to go on in life. I couldn't perceive my world changing into anything positive because I had lost my most precious husband of 44yrs. and I couldn't and didn't know how to go on. I found part of the answer here on this site. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. even one moment at a time. This is how I have gotten to the 2yrs. mark of bereavement. I will still have crying spells but no so often. Being on this site will trigger off a crying moment in me and I see this as being positive. Allowing me the space to feel and express my grief.
I could not function for the first 6 months. I did nothing and just let TV nurture me till I could do this for myself. Then my world started changing and I was able to take on one or two jobs a day till this increased. I also pampered myself with good things each day and built on this till it became a way of life. This I found is a good foundation to healing and building up one's self esteem. Don't force yourself to change or get your life back the way it was. IT WON'T HAPPEN. Grief is a process that has to run its course. As time goes on you will start to feel more able to include things in your life that will be the building blocks to change. We all make choices and decisions every day. Feel comfortable with your choices/decisions because they will change from day to day, and you have the freedom to put into your life what you want, in time. I am retired so I have all the time to do nothing if this is how I feel. But many people don't have this freedom because of work and childcare commitments. But we don't lose our freedom when we lose our loved one's. We just have to find it and use it wisely.

Jul 03, 2014
Mom died, 4 months later Dad died
by: Anonymous

I am still not coping after Mom's death 8 months ago and Dad's death 4 months ago. I have no value for myself anymore. I am empty inside and the pain is unbearable. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know how to fix myself, to be what I once was. I don't laugh anymore and don't enjoy life. I'm sorry, I cannot cope. I just don't know how, no matter how hard I try. When does the hurt go away... Or maybe it never will. I am scared my life will just be hell. I miss them terribly and feel very alone

Mar 08, 2014
Parents
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous,
Grief assaults us and makes us feel guilt. But I find that as the days go by this guilt gets less. Almost like it evaporates. Grief is an experience that doesn't get better because we think positive or try to change our thinking because often we can't change the way we think. All we will remember is the days before our loved one died, and what that cancer journey or illness was like. How desperately we tried to stretch our days by staying up longer to spend more time with our loved one's before they died. As the days passed I felt those memories of close to dying fade and new older memories came in. 22 months later I get a mixture of both old and new memories and I feel my grief just as much as at the beginning. I guess this is the cycle of grief. Don't try so hard to change what is happening to you. LET IT COME AND LET IT PASS. Don't have any expectations and you won't be disappointed at how long grief takes to pass each day. Hold on to the FACT. That we do change from day to day. Sometimes we move forward and times we regress. But we will HEAL with TIME. Some parts of grief we have no control over and some we do. Those parts I did have control over I CHANGED MY FOCUS.
NURTURE yourself each day with doing good things for yourself just like pampering yourself. Don't be tempted to think "I don't deserve this" Don't go there. JUST DO IT. You will become stronger and find great healing in "Being kind to yourself" Even your husband will be drawn to you more when he sees how you VALUE YOURSELF. I did this nurturing for the first 6 months of my grief. I found a profound healing in this exercise and now it becomes a WAY OF LIFE. We can all do this exercise of nurturing ourselves. IT WORKS. It is the foundation to healing from our grief. If you still hurt so much then go and see a counsellor. you may have unresolved issues pressing for resolution and getting in the way of your grief, that you can resolve in a counselling room. It is an amazing discovery of one's self. I have done this grief work in counselling and I can testify that my life is better. I don't get assaulted by guilt anymore and I can let go of what I need to. Healing has taken place within and I feel WHOLE. Best wishes and please keep in touch.

Mar 07, 2014
I Feel
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous,
You are hurting so much from your loss of Mom and Dad that so much pain doesn't make sense. It makes one feel they will go over the edge with this pain. we wonder when it will end? Will it go on forever? This is one question I want to ask God? Why does grief hurt so much? It almost feels cruel even though it is part of life. We can't ever anticipate what grief feels like till we have experienced this. I can understand your feelings that your husband and daughter are not enough. Your life has been fractured by losing your mom and dad. They raised you and nurtured you and you therefore have such a strong bonding to them that the severing of this relationship through death has become so unbearable you can't move forward. People use TIME as a scale of how we Heal from a death. IN TIME we do usually feel the pain less. You have experienced a double loss and may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. They are skilled and can often support a person if they are stuck in grief and can't move from that position of hurting so much they can't go on in life anymore. When we go through life and experience loss and setbacks it is years later that we feel we have become stronger from those experiences and don't feel affected by them anymore. So it is from where you and me and everyone on this site is at. We have sustained loss of loved ones. Many years future we will Heal from these losses. But it will take TIME. WE will then look back and see how far we have become from our losses of loved one's. When healing takes place we can never go back to that same place of severe pain. This is the benefit of HEALING. The only problem is that HEALING is a very SLOW process. God is our burden bearer. God is our COMFORTER. It is to God I look for my strength to carry me through this deep trial. You may isolate yourself from people, very frustrated that no one can offer you the answers you need to take that pain away. Often there are no answers and we have to go through this in order to come out the other end HEALED. I used to fight the pain. In time I became more accepting and WENT THROUGH. Not around or try to jump over the grief. I WENT TRHOUGH IT. It is one of the hardest if not THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF ONE'S LIFE. There are times I want to be on my own and not have anyone around me. But most of the time I want to have someone with me and there is no one. God is enough but we need people around us for companionship. WE can't survive well in isolation. God created us for being in RELATIONSHIP. So therefore grief is meant to feel like this when a relationship have severed through death. I hope this explanation puts some perspective on your grief and helps you understand better what you are going through. You will have good days and bad days until the bad days get less.

Mar 06, 2014
Parents
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry Anomymous for your losses, it breaks my heart someone can have this pain. Doreen, thank you for your kind words. It means alot coming from someone who is/ has expierenced loss. Taking it day by day is what I do. But, I always expect the next day to become slightly more easy, and it doesn't. I'm not sure how to cope, it frightens me my life will never be filled with happiness. Sometimes, I feel self destructive, anger, and don't care about life in general. I just want to be with my parents. But I snap out of it because I don't want my parents (if they can see me) to see me this way. It would make them sad and cry. I can't picture them in good memories as of yet. I picture them the most as they were dying. I feel guilt and feel I have failed them, because I couldn't help them become better. I had to sign the hospice papers, since I was the oldest. I have guilt, like I made them die. My father died, not being able to talk since his tounge was swollen. I didn't know how he felt and if he was angry at me. I know I didn't give him cancer or MDS, but I felt I failed him to live a bit longer. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
My husband sees my crying all the time and cannot say anything to make me feel better, as well as my friends. I feel alone, in my dark black hole. I'm sorry to be this way....not sure if this is the process of grief. I do wish you two the very best....I pray we heal

Mar 06, 2014
I feel ...
by: Anonymous

You just described how I feel..I lost 2 members of my family..brothers within 2 months ...I'm also lost, feeling lonely without them...knowing that their presence is no longer here, is excruciating. ...some days I think I can go on with the day..and by the afternoon the tears start to flow. ...how can a heart take so much pain I don't know. ...my husband is not enough nor my daughter. ..all that have left. .....where do I start again, how. ..everybody tells me it takes time..time for what? So I don't hurt, cry, miss them? I don't understand. ..some days is impossible to move, function, live or exist. ....

Mar 06, 2014
Mom died, four months later Dad died.
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your mom and Dad. The way you feel and express is totally RAW GRIEF and is very normal. WE all on this site express our grief in different ways. Most of it is exactly as you described only this is your experience. Many of us feel a certain way and can't put it into words but along comes someone on this site who expresses in words what we feel and we can often get to wonder how we can't express our grief this way. So it actually helps us also in our grief reading each other's posts. The best way forward I learned on this site is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME! this is how I have gotten through 22 months of grieving the loss of my husband to a deadly cancer. Crying is the best part of grief. You only need to worry when you can't cry or show any emotion. You would then be numb and in shock and perhaps need to see a grief counsellor. You only need to see a grief counsellor if you are struggling with grief and can't move forward. A counsellor is then skilled to help us move forward. Ignore your friends or anyone who tells you to get over your loss. This is cruel. We will never get over losing our loved ones. We will in time just learn to live without them with less pain, as the healing process starts and we recover from grief. You will get stronger and more in control of your life. DON'T WORRY. You are not going mad. If you don't feel like talking, or socialising, or become subdued and withdrawn just have the experience it won't last. You need to honour the way you feel at a given time. WE didn't make ourselves feel this way. We don't choose the behaviour we are now experiencing. No positive thinking can change how we feel. Something happened to us to make us feel sad, upset, crying all the time, sorrowful, lost, lonely etc. WE can't Heal fast. It will take months and sometimes years. But we won't feel this way forever. It will pass. If you believe in God, reach out to Him. The best words in the Bible are and "It came to Pass." then the story would be told as a parable. It came to pass. It didn't come to stay. This gives me Hope. I hope you have better days ahead as you recover from grief.

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