Mom.. I loved you.. even though I never told you... I miss you.

by Adriana
(Miami, Fl)

My mom and I didn't have an easy relationship.. I blamed my mom for many things that happened while growing up... I decided not to have children just so I wouldn't repeat it... I left home as soon as I could, just to get away from my parents... but when ever I needed anything, a person to talk to, money or whatever, my mom always was there for me...

I never told her I loved her.. at least not recently.. I have learned I am codependent as a result of my experiences growing up.. now that I think about it.. she was too... no matter what, I loved my mom... I have been out of work since Feb, and have been living off my tax return. I found a job and decided to visit my family in Mexico before I started... the plane ticket was cheap. On 03/29 it was her birthday. I flew down, my sister picked me up and my aunt told us my mom was in the hospital. We were told it wasn't serious, but on Tuesday my mom got bad and my sister and I flew to where she lived in Mexico, I bought the tickets.. didn't think much about it. My mother had never been sick.. she was a very active woman and we are very much like her.. very independent.

She was on a respirator, unconscious, and we were told she could die, and to prepare for the worst. How to do you prepare? We prayed, I had hopes... I asked for another chance with my mom... I asked her for forgiveness and asked her to come back.. to try please to stay with us.

She had pancreatitis, her organs started failing, but on Thursday she seemed to be getting better, her kidneys started working. I had so much hope.. I asked my friends to pray for her..I didn't want to see her go..

I broke up with my bf a year ago, one of my dogs died two weeks later, lost my job in February, and lost my mom on April 5th, my brother's birthday.... We all live apart, I live in Miami, my sister lives in Mexico City, my brother lives in Chiapas Mexico... we all came together for her. I know she wanted us to get close..I love my family.. I am starting to wonder why I live so far away.. I knew we were far, but my mom always tried to stay close..

I never told her.. I loved her. But I hope she knew... she would call me every day or email me asking for news about anything.. she wanted me to tell her about things.. and my last conversation with her.. was I don't have anything to tell you.. now that she is not here on this earth... now that I can't just call her.. I miss her so much..

I know I was not easy... I never thought she would die so suddenly like this.. she didn't deserve to die... she was so full of life.. she was a good woman.. she tried very hard.. she was loved.... I hope whereever she is.. she can see how much she was loved.. I am so sorry now for everything.. It's not fair... it's just too much...