Mom to three at 18
I was only 18 when she passed away. I'm the eldest child of the family and my siblings were 7, 10 and 11 at the time. My mom was complaining of stomach pains. The doctors said there was nothing wrong with her and it was just stress over her brother who had passed away a year before. She was admitted and released from the hospital a few times within two weeks. It took 20 days until they said they had found a tumor in her colon and she needed to go into surgery for it. She travelled with my dad the next day to get treated in another country. And I was too scared to go with them. The next day, she passed away from heart failure before she even got into surgery.
I never even said goodbye, It all happened SO fast. Throughout her illness I had kept my distance.
This all happened almost 3 years ago and this is the first time I openly talk about it. At the age of 18 I found myself mothering my orphaned siblings, surrounded by shrieking relatives who couldn't be possibly feeling the pain I was feeling. I was dying on the inside and I was silent and put up a strong front.
She was such an amazing mother and I miss her every second of every day. I feel like my silence is making me sick and I am always emotionally drained. I need to talk to someone but I always feel so vulnerable when the subject comes up with family and friends.
I've been having recurring dreams about her and she's always alive but in my dream I'm keeping it a secret and letting people believe she's passed away.
I've struggled with raising the Kids, managing the house, finishing college, and taking care of my father and I know I've never grieved losing her. I don't think my siblings have either. I don't know how and I'm scared its a little too late. I'm scared and I feel guilty for not being there for her and lonely without her and naive for writing this even.