Momma Will Always Love You, Smeck

by Marcia
(Grayling, MI)

Today I had to take my girl, Smeckles, to the Vet for the last time. I have never owned a dog before her, and never would have foreseen the pain I am feeling. I hope someone can help me with dealing with this. Smeckles turned up on my front deck in Northern MI after recently having moved here in the summer of '00. I believe she was "sent" to me as a companion, as I was in a new town, away from family, my marriage had just fallen apart, and there she was. After trying to locate her rightful owner for several weeks, I gave up when there never were any calls for her. I would go to work, leave her some cat food on the deck and some water and come home 10 hours later to her wagging tail, happy to see me, as if she belonged here. At that point, I decided to bring her inside and make her my own.
On the Sunday before Memorial Day of this year, as I arrived home from work at 9:15p.m., I was looking toward my deck where my fiance' and our other dog were waiting for me to come home. I stopped to wait for the garage door to open, then went to pull in and thought, "What the hell was that on the ground that I just rolled over with my truck?" Then I heard the yelp. All I could think is Smeck is NEVER outside without me....what was she doing outside and coming from that other direction? I lost all my senses for a brief moment, couldn't think how to turn my truck off, put it in neutral, foot on the clutch...brake...what!?!? And was just screaming "Oh My God!" She had hobbled over to the grass and was kind of dragging a rear leg. There was some blood and pee on the ground, but didn't seem to be any open wounds. I regained my senses rather quickly and got on the phone to the emergency Vet. Thankfully, it turned out that all that happened was a dis-located hip which they were able to "pop" back into place. After a few days at the hospital she came home, but had no control of her bowels, and her tail just hung limp. For the past 6 weeks or so, I have had to keep her closed off in the mud-room on several throw rugs. She ended up with some severe "urine burns" that I didn't know were there because of her fur from where she would have an accident and not know it and lie in it. Since the initial visit for her injury, I had taken her back to the Drs. three times. Everything that could be tried was tried, short of putting her in a diaper. I work very long hours, and know that doing that would just cause more of those burns. The Vet seemed to think it was nerve damage, and even the steroids didn't fix the problem. I know she was not happy being stuck in the mud room, and I know it was unfair to her when the rest of the family is/was in the other part of the house.
I took her today to have her "put to sleep". I have never had any experience with this. It took me a month of struggling with trying to wish, plead, pray,... talk her into being well before I had to make this final decision. I stayed with her while she passed and I brought her home with me. I had a spot picked out for her. I bought a pretty white cross with some flowers on it that I wrote on to put at her final resting place. I gave up early this morning on kleenex and am just keeping a hand towel with me. My trying to get her well caused a great rift between my fiance' and I. He felt that I should have let her go sooner, and was angry about having to "smell" the mud-room when he got in from work. So not only have I lost my beloved pet of 11 years, but my personal relationship ended as well. Along with dealing with both of these losses, (and at this point I am certain that the loss of Smeckles is the greater of the two), I am dealing with the guilt that I caused this. If I never would have ran her leg over, she never would have gotten the nerve damage and everything would be as it was 3 months ago. I, fortunately, have never even lost any semi-close family or friends, so this is really my first death in the family. I don't have any children, and this seems too deep of a sorrow to bear. She has been my companion since I moved North, and I just don't know when the tears will stop.
I know this is probably too long of a story for anyone to read, but if you took the time to read it, and have some experience with how to make the tears stop, sleep come, and hurt ease up, please let me know.

Comments for Momma Will Always Love You, Smeck

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Sep 28, 2011
Prayers from Lake Orion, MI
by: Oliver's Mommy


I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you. I know you read Oliver's story because I saw your sweet comments under his story, so you know what a tragic ending to his life we experienced. It would be a lie for me to say that the guilt goes away, it doesn't, but eventually you try to accept that sometimes bad things happen and deep down our beloved pets know that we would never intentionally try to hurt them. What happened to you and Smeckles was a terrible accident. Smeckles knows that you loved him and he would not want you to blame yourself for anything that happened. I grieved for my sweet Oliver outwardly (crying, blogging, not sleeping etc) for weeks. I still grieve for Oliver's loss, but more inwardly because I need my babies to know that there is life after loss. I can promise you that there isn't a day that goes by that my children and I don't talk about Oliver and the great memories that we shared. We feel very blessed that Oliver was ours and we were his, even if our time was unfairly cut short. Oliver always felt it when we were sad and would try to comfort us or my children when they would cry, he didn't like us to be sad and would try in his best doggy way to make us feel better, and I am sure smeckles did the same for you. It is okay to grieve, but try to not let your grief swallow you. Reach out to your friends, family, your fellow pet grievers or even professionals if you feel you can't make it through.

As for that fiance of yours - even though it might not feel like it now - you are better off without him. Any guy that can't empathise with a sick/injured dog, is not worth your time. Smeckles was part of your family, so for your fiance to put any kind of pressure on you to give up on your family, ever, is unfair and makes him not worth your time. Imagine if that was you who was hurt, would he just give up on you? I don't know your fiance, but I hope time heals your heart and you realize that there are much better human beings out there that should have and would have supported you in your difficult time. I hope you take care of yourself because Smeckles would want you to be healthy and happy. It might not make you feel any better, but I believe Smeckles accident stopped you from marrying a very cruel man. May your heart find peace tonight and rest easy as Smeckles is alive and well at the Rainbow Bridge.

~ Oliver's Mommy

Aug 14, 2011
I'm so sorry
by: Bandit's Mom

Marcia... you need not worry that your story was too long,, that's the least of your worries,, but thank you for sharing; your story is hell... I am so so sorry for all you have been thru. I am more sorry for your beautiful Smeckles,, than your fiance... he's a selfish jerk and evidently doesn't have a heart.. please don't look back at him.. and ya know what,, one day you might see this as Smeck not liking him so he had to do something forceful and drastic (because he adored you so much) to get rid of him! Dogs aren't stupid! and they love SOO much deeper than any guy knows how to...

I lost my beautiful boy June 17, 2010 and not a day goes by that it doesn't hurt. The first 6 months are horrendous. Your life style changes; your world changes. I wanted to die.. it's that bad. I have been thru the pain you are feeling but I couldnt deal with it. All I did was cry. I was hurt, angry, no one understood so I moved 5000 miles (after 10 months of having to live in the home that "we" shared).. I didn't have the love and support around me that you think you would get and no one really wanted to hear how bad i was hurting and I'm really hoping you have a good support. There's just that constant pain and it never really goes away.. You just kind of live with it. So don't listen to anyone or any quotes. Cry all you want, take your time grieving.. talk if you want, don't talk, stay up all night if you can't sleep,, but deal with this in your own way.. don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.. your story is such a sad one and I really am sorry. I went to talk to a priest, counselor,, i found nothing consoled and NOTHING could shut off the tears. I have been thru what you're going thru.. ya know what got me thru that awfulness,,, going outside at night and talking to my boy... nights seem to be the time when it was quiet and i would cry, yell at God, and talk to my boy.. one day you will do something that keeps you and Smeck togehter and that will make you feel somewhat good... here's a huge hug for you and I am so so sorry,, I hope you are doing ok. Please write again so we know you're ok.

Jul 28, 2011
by: Judith in California

Maria, I'm so sorry for your precious pet Smeckles. As for your finance' you're better off if he can't be understanding of a sick pet then how would he be if you were sick. Good riddance.

You will eventually accept the death as a blessing. Certainly you know he is not suffering anymore and is with friends in pet heaven.
I know you feel so guilty for causing his injuries but how would you have known he would be in that spot.

You did your best to love him and care for him to make him well and he knew it. My heart aches for you.

Jul 28, 2011
RE:Momma Will Always Love You, Smeck
by: Novi

I've had my cat, Beck since 2002. He's my best friend. I love him so much and I dread the day he's gone. I hope I never have to make that same decision you had to, but if I do, I hope that I would be brave enough to stay with him until he closes his eyes for the last time.

Myself, I have never experienced the loss of a pet. My father passed away a while ago, so I know what the loss of a loved one is. People say you can't compare pets and people, that it is not the same thing, but I disagree. I know when my beloved Beck moves on I will be devastated! I don't even want to think about that actually!

As for making the tears stop, unfortunately this is a process that will take time and you can't make it go away or fast forward through it. What worked for me is the knowledge that your loved one is at peace and that they would not want you to suffer as you are right now. Smeck, I am certain, would want you to remember the good and funny times and focus on those.. maybe even smile a little.

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