Mommy...come back!

by Nancy
(Maryland)

2 weeks ago was the last time I got to hold her soft hands and feel her squeeze them back. Mom made it pretty clear that she knew it was close so I took that long drive alone to visit with her that day. About a week earlier I had visited her in the hospital (for a bad case of the shingles) and she was her usual perky, lively self...giving he** to the hospital staff. My sister and I laughed about that because, as we knew, if she was grumpy she was doing alright. But just a week later at home her condition had changed dramatically. She was too weak to stand and could barely sit up or eat. My younger sister, who had some medical training and lived very near her, had been her caregiver through that time. She'd explained to me about Mom's cancer taking over with a vengeance...the chemo drugs hadn't been working this time. Mom was a fighter and this was her third time with lymphoma (and a detestable medical system). She'd been turned away for Cancer Treatment because they "didn't like her insurance"!!! She was 81 at the time and not ready to give up. She'd beaten breast cancer and lymphoma twice before! So, on that Thursday I sat with her and held her hand and spoke sweetly and made her laugh again. I got to take care of her. That night I drove back home after promising to be back on Saturday. The last words we said to each other were "I love you". That Saturday was a full day and I didn't arrive until 10 at night. And so I didn't disturb the household so late I went to my sisters house instead; sis was going to Mom's overnight with the message that I'd be there first thing in the morning. Mom passed away that night, shortly after that. I didn't get to be with her again after all. But that night I found myself at her bedside, holding that hand and begging... "Mommy, wake up! Mommy come back to me!"
When she didn't squeeze back I knew she was truly gone. The nicest person I'll ever know and the woman who had given me life was gone. I'm so lost without her. I don't have any of her things to remind me or comfort me (her husband and I don't get along) and it's kinda killing me inside. Being the oldest of her children I feel like the "keeper of the family memories" but I don't have access to that stuff. I'm so alone. She wanted her legacy to be her children reunited and close again, but they don't return my phone calls. My grief is so deep that I ended up fighting off pneumonia, which makes me too weak to do anything.
Her funeral service was on Halloween day 10/31/2013.
I'm not alone in my house but I do spend most of my time in bed crying. I can't put two thoughts together. Mostly I've been into distraction...TV, kids, even thinking of incorporating the Day of the Dead into my processes. I've lost a lot of people along the way and it seems like a good way to honor them. BUT I know it's just a distraction from having to know that I'll never again pick up that phone and hear my loving mother's voice. We'll never laugh so hard at greeting cards again. We'll never empathize again...share jokes again, share our happiness and sorrows again. She was my best friend for life. She was on my side. Who's going to do that now? I told her once when I was a kid..."I'll never be as nice as you, Mom." No one is.
This is not eloquent nor does it in any way express all there is, but I'm thankful to get it down here.

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Dec 31, 2013
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I can relate to all you said about your mum.Like you I lost my mum five months ago.She was 82 and in poor health having suffered from heart, lung and cancer complications all at once. Just like you I miss her calls and our chats over coffee. My mum was kind and generous and always there for us.Like you I didn't get to say that final goodbye, mum was in hospital and died suddenly despite everything. I got to see her the night before she died but failed to tell her I loved her which I regret.
Your mum knew you loved her and I have read that sometimes an elderly person dies when their beloved isn't in the room as they cannot bear to leave them, so maybe your mum did that with you. I can relate to how difficult each day is without our mothers despite our and their ages. Try to lean on friends when you are down or just log on here, I find it helps to know we are not alone in our grief. Keep in touch.
Therese

Nov 09, 2013
The Loss of a Mother
by: Linda, Harare, Zimbabwe

Nancy I am so very sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost my mother on 5.4.13 and my life is just not the same anymore. I looked after my mother and she lived in a cottage on my property, she was only 78 when she passed. I was with my mother every day. A part if me died when she left me.

Its now seven months since I last spoke to my dearest mother and I just cannot comprehend that I will not see her again.

Nancy I know you are hurting and the pain is deep and long. I do recommend that you see a grief counsellor whom you can express all your feeling and emotions to. They say time heals but my hurting is still so bad.

For the sake of your children who need you and love you so much, you must take care of yourself, remembering the good times with your mother will help and possibly sharing those wonderful memories with your children.

Stay strong Nancy and remember that God is there helping you during this very sad time.

The loss of a mother is like no other loss EVER !!

Nov 09, 2013
Mommy...come back!
by: Doreen UK

Nancy one of our worst losses is the one who carried us for 9 months, gave birth to us, and NURTURED us through life. Your mother was of an age when you would expect to lose her, but it is never easy when they die. I lost my mom 10yrs. ago at 77yrs. but I was thankful she lived a long time and I didn't lose her when I was young. I just lost my husband 18 months ago to cancer and he was 65yrs. I wanted to enjoy retirement years with him and I feel sad about this. Cancer is such a hard disease to live with and to watch the one we love die slowly. Often the death of a close loved one can cause fractures in the family that will never heal. Some people leave us forever and we gain some that come back. It is a horrible fact of life. You need to take great care of yourself in order to heal from pneumonia. Don't worry too much about being carer of your mom's possessions till you get better. Then you may feel stronger to process how you go about doing this. You may need to approach some family members you don't get on with in order to get what you need for yourself in way of your mom's possessions.
If your mom is not around to pamper you as mother's do, then you can NURTURE yourself. I did this after I lost my husband and I found this to be very healing and a healthy way to cope with grief. Keep nurturing yourself on going. It is such a good foundation to heal from fractured relationships and you will have a whole lot more love to give. I am sorry for your loss of your mom.

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