Mommy's Little Strong Man

by Tiana

I have been married for three years. Like some couples, my husband and I suffered from infertility issues from both me and him. After several attempts and failures we finally decided to go for IVF. You hear so many stories about how you may have to try multiple times before it works, we'll our blessing came on the first try with one embryo. We were so excited. My pregnancy was great. I progressed normally. My physician decided that because we conceived through IVF, she wanted to do ultrasounds every two weeks. Everything was perfect with my cervix and the baby was awesome. There were no abnormalities with him and he was so active. I had no pain or bleeding. Then one day I went to my appt. and the ultrasound tech called in the doctor and they both told me that at 22 weeks my cervix was dilated to 2cm. I was scared and couldn't do anything but cry. I was rushed to the hospital and only after that I started to have contractions. I was seen by several physicians who started me on medications to stop the contractions and then put me on bed rest. I am in the medical profession so I thought these things happen all the time and it can be fixed., so I can still progress. The baby is fine so we'll just stop the contractions and I can stay on bed rest for as long as I need too. That calmed me a little and the next day my contractions had stopped. So my hope was restored but that didn't stop me from praying. The next day I started bleeding and had some mild contractions. No one could explain to me what the next step would be. I was scared and wanted to keep my baby where he belong so he could grow. That Monday morning sept. 23rd, 2013, my contractions got worse. Several physicians involved in my care told me that they were going to give me magnesium, steroids to try and avoid the inevitable. The NICU doctor approached us and asked if we wanted to resuscitate him or just hold him and make him comfortable. We decided to give my baby a chance. Despite what I went through those last four days he was a champ and was never in any distress. I knew he was strong and deserved the right to fight. At 1210pm my son Tyson was born, weighing only 1lb 5oz. He was pink, good heart rate but was taken to the NICU right away. My baby fought for his life. They took such good care of him that although he was the youngest baby to be born at the hospital he was doing well for the circumstances. Over several days his lungs improved, his heart improved. Everyone was hopeful and amazed at his progress. After a week he went from being stable and doing well to very critical within a matter of hours. We were at beside all day and night. I told my mom that I was not going to let him suffer. So when all measures were exhausted we decided to take him off all equipment. I was able to hold my baby in my arms while he took his last breath. He looked liked a angel. I am having a hard time dealing with his lost. Going through labor that was not suppose to happen until another 3 months, then seeing how he may be able to pull through, my hope restored. Then having to make the hardest decision of my life by taking him off life support. I wanted him to be my miracle baby. I wanted to keep him and rock him. I know that he is in heaven watching down on me. I know the Jesus is rocking him in his arms and taking care of him more than I ever could but the pain, is still there. Mommy loves you Tyson and you will forever be in my heart, I will never forget you. I thank God I was able to be with you for 7 days. I knew you were ticklish on your feet. You like sucking my milk off a sponge swab, i could see the "ahhh" you wanted to say. It was okay that when I changed your diaper for the first time you peed on me. I don't take any of these things for granted, I will always love you!!!

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Oct 27, 2013
Mommy's Little Strong Man
by: Doreen UK

Tiana I am sorry for your premature birth that resulted in you losing your son after 7 days. It is still early days and grief is so hard that you will feel this way for days into months and every time you cry you will be healing from your loss. Knowing Jesus is holding your son in his arms and he is safe is some comfort. You will see him again. Hold on to this Hope. Take one day at a time and days will pass and you will start to feel stronger from your loss. You can also keep a journal and write out all your painful feelings of loss and ever write letters to your son and let him know all you want him to know. This is very therapeutic and healing from loss. Try and nurture yourself back into life. Give yourself the best care you can and you will start to heal faster.

Oct 26, 2013
Little strong man
by: Anonymous--MI

Tiana---Let me say that I am truly sorry for how you and your husband are suffering the loss of your baby boy. Why these things happen, we will never have a good answer to. Our hearts are shattered and there seems to be no comfort for us. I lost my dear husband last Nov 2012 of SCA and while my loss is different than yours--our pain from the loss is horrible for both of us. I can only offer this to you--turn to God(you said you were praying) and keep your focus on Him to help you through this journey of grief--return again and again to Jesus, our Savior, for His mercy and grace in this roller coaster ride of grief. God Be with You.

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