Monty Ray Head, Thanksgiving Day 2011
by Valerie Donaldson
I'm surprised at how "physical" the grief can feel. Its emotional, mental, and very physical and engulfs every part of my brain, heart, and life. Monty and I only had 4 short years together. We thought we had more time. We had many plans and hopes and dreams. I loved Monty because he was gentle and loving. He was thoughtful and romantic. He always wanted to be a "good man". He was my best friend and true love. We buried him on his 57th birthday. We had both been hurt by love before. When we met, we were both looking for someone who would be honest and faithful. But what we loved most about each other, was that we made each other laugh. We laughed a lot. We had a lot of private jokes, funny sayings, and would do almost anything to make each other and other people laugh. Losing him has been heartbreaking. I remind myself that he did not suffer. He would not have wanted to live life as an invalid. Dying suddenly and quickly was good for him, but terrible for those of us he left behind. I think of all the things I would have liked to have said to him. It is difficult listening to people advise me about my grief, or tell me that he is better off in heaven, or "You are young. You will move on." Every day, people ask "How are you?" I can't really tell them, so I say "Fine." His family lives out of state, and they have not contacted me since the funeral. I don't know if they are upset about something, or just grieving quietly. Their silence is hurtful. I worry about his mom, whom he loved very much. I've tried to contact them, so now I can only hope that they are okay. Monty loved his family and he would not want there to be a problem between us. But I cannot control their feelings or actions. I can only let them know I care, and I am missing him as much as they are. I also know that there are other people dealing with more terrible, more heart wrenching situations than I am. I am realistic. I know that time marches on. I am just so sad, lonely, disappointed, hurt, and broken hearted for now. Monty was not perfect. He could be a pain in the rear. But he loved me, he loved my kids, he loved our home, and I miss him.
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