Monty Ray Head, Thanksgiving Day 2011

by Valerie Donaldson
(Sapulpa, OK)

Monty died suddenly and unexpectedly on Thanksgiving Day. 23 days ago. My family has been wonderful and I'm lucky to have such great friends and family around me.
I'm surprised at how "physical" the grief can feel. Its emotional, mental, and very physical and engulfs every part of my brain, heart, and life.
Monty and I only had 4 short years together. We thought we had more time. We had many plans and hopes and dreams.
I loved Monty because he was gentle and loving. He was thoughtful and romantic. He always wanted to be a "good man". He was my best friend and true love. We buried him on his 57th birthday.
We had both been hurt by love before. When we met, we were both looking for someone who would be honest and faithful. But what we loved most about each other, was that we made each other laugh. We laughed a lot. We had a lot of private jokes, funny sayings, and would do almost anything to make each other and other people laugh.
Losing him has been heartbreaking.
I remind myself that he did not suffer. He would not have wanted to live life as an invalid. Dying suddenly and quickly was good for him, but terrible for those of us he left behind. I think of all the things I would have liked to have said to him.
It is difficult listening to people advise me about my grief, or tell me that he is better off in heaven, or "You are young. You will move on." Every day, people ask "How are you?" I can't really tell them, so I say "Fine."
His family lives out of state, and they have not contacted me since the funeral. I don't know if they are upset about something, or just grieving quietly. Their silence is hurtful. I worry about his mom, whom he loved very much. I've tried to contact them, so now I can only hope that they are okay. Monty loved his family and he would not want there to be a problem between us. But I cannot control their feelings or actions. I can only let them know I care, and I am missing him as much as they are.
I also know that there are other people dealing with more terrible, more heart wrenching situations than I am. I am realistic. I know that time marches on.
I am just so sad, lonely, disappointed, hurt, and broken hearted for now. Monty was not perfect. He could be a pain in the rear. But he loved me, he loved my kids, he loved our home, and I miss him.

Comments for Monty Ray Head, Thanksgiving Day 2011

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 07, 2012
So Sorry
by: Sandra

So much of your loss sounds like mine. My husband and I were together for 4 years but we were married only 11 months when he died. He died suddenly the day after Thanksgiving 2011 -11/25/11. The worst day of my life. Lloyd had just turned 52 that October. He was playing paddleball when he collapsed. He was taken to the hospital but they never got his heart started.
We were so inlove. Life had finally settled down for us, we were happy and looking forward to growing old together . As you said , I take comfort in that he didn't suffer. He always made me promise not to take extreme measures to keep him alive. He did not want to suffer. Thank God he didn't but I am suffering and have been since the moment he was taken.
I have children but sometimes I wished I didn't have to go on without him . I love my children and want to be here for them but I hate living without him. I wish you peace and continued healing.

Dec 18, 2011
Thank you
by: Valerie

I did not expect anyone to ready my post from the other day, but logged on tonight to find 3 posts from different women, who all know what I am feeling.
Thank you all for taking the time to tell me your story and your feelings and your coping mechanisms. Nothing makes the pain go away, but I guess it helps to know that I'm not alone... Other people out there know exactly what I'm going through.
Every little bit of understanding helps a tiny bit. At least for a second. And I appreciate the shared stories.

Dec 18, 2011
so sorry
by: rebekah

I am so sorry for your loss , I lost my twin sister the 19th of November , she was in a bad car accident, fell asleep while driving to work the 14th went across and hit a tree. I understand everything that goes with the grief, the mental and physical the crying everyday. :( My sister was 47 when she passed. My husband keeps telling me to get over it. I cant its too soon I still start to call her everyday to tell her something that happened. I hope that your pain eases soon. I had a friend at work tell me ( she lost her sister a year and a half ago) that is not not get easier , it will get bearable but never easier. There will be days you will be so mad because they should be here for it. I wish I could be one of those people who say life goes on and we cant change the fact of what happened. That does not make me hurt less or feel any different. Please take care of yourself and remember all the good times you had together.

Dec 18, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011
by: Pat J


Your grief is oh so fresh. This was my first Thanksgiving without my husband. I and our children did shed some tears, but we got through the day. We talked about their dad; shared tears and laughter. Christmas will be the same; his presence will be missed terribly.
I feel after my husbands death, my body went into "survivor mode", as I call it. Looking back, it is amazing what we do get through. It is 5 1/2 months since my "Red" died. We were married 46 years on June 26th, he died on June 27,2011.
His name was Leonard, but had gorgeous redish blonde hair, so he was nicknamed Red. Through the years just about everyone called him Red. We even got mail from people, addressed to Red and Pat Johnson.
I feel, as most of us feel, a part of us died the day they died. I know my life will never be the same. After he died I wanted to die also; at times I still do, but I do realize our children and family do not want me to die. I don't know what God has planned for me. I really don't want to die now, but I am looking forward to the day I will be with him again. Just writing and thinking about it brings me to tears. I miss him so very much, as do our 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren. We have two older step-grandchildren, but they didn't even come to the wake or funeral, and their dad , is oh so not happy about that.
I feel so sorry for those two young adult children, 18 and 20. Their parents have a very strained relationship and these two children are going to pay the price. I did get a card placed in my mail box from them and I did send them each a prayer card with his picture and I placed their names in his obituary, I feel I did what I as a grandparent would do.
This journey of our grief, is a very long, bumpy and hilly road. I know I am doing better than I was. I still have a moment of tears or close to tears everyday. I do have a very good support system. I joined a grief group through our church and I met 3 widows. We all lost our husbands between April and August. We really bonded and have formed a lasting friendship. If it wasn't for our husbands death, we wouldn't have met. We all say our husbands dying brought us together. We talk on the phone, e-mail each other and we even go out to eat and socialize together. This life that has been given to us can get very lonely. I always say, how can I be so lonely, with all these people around me.The one person I truly want around me is now gone. I will always cherish his love and my memories. No one can ever take that away.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I know you understand everything. There is a great support system on this site. I come to it everyday. I do not respond all the time, but I still come here. It is so comforting here. I shed tears and really can relate to so many when they post. Keep coming here.
God Bless you and take it one day at a time, one step at a time. I often say, I am faking it, until I can make it. ONE DAY I WILL MAKE IT!

Dec 18, 2011
I know how you feel!
by: Audrey

Hi, I sure do know how you are feeling. My husband Willie passed suddenly 13 1/2 months ago. Each day is a struggle, but as each day goes by that is a day closer to be with our husbands. I found a great site, if you google when your husband dies, a site by Corrine Edwards comes up. It's all widows and we help a support each other, day or night. It can help. Your life with your husband sounds like the one I had. Willie and I were married 30 years and always made each other laugh. I miss that so much. I hear I'm young (51) and need to get out again. Yeah it's easier said then done. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone! Take care, have faith we all will be reunited again. Audrey

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Theirspace.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!