Monuments

by Allison
(Canada)

Just read something today that spoke to me. It seems that this grief journey can get stuck in the sadness and hopelessness for far too long. We equate our depth of sorrow with the depth of love we felt for our partner. Often this is not a conscious decision. It just seems to balance out our previous lives with our current situation. What if we celebrated our past love in a positive way and let go of the negative feelings of loss. Why continue to build a monument of misery to commemorate a life time of love and joy. I know this is not realistic during the first months of grief but once the shock and numbness fades it would be so uplifting to revel in the happiness that our partner gave us and to daily celebrate a good relationship. Kent and I had such a good time during our lives together and I've decided to be happier every day in honour of him. The cycle of despondency will be broken. I still feel very alone and very lonely but I will consciously remember past good times and I will break down that monument of misery and build a new one of joy and thankfulness. We had a great ride for 43 years and I will honour that forever in a happy way. What's done is done. Only I can decide how to somewhat influence what will be.

Comments for Monuments

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Nov 01, 2013
aint gonna happen
by: Anonymous

Only been eight months but might as well be eighty months---we were so well matched and it happened all too soon---yes, I know it can be made into a conscious choice, and some of us can rebound quicker than others or lets say level off but the void left is way too great for many of us and as some of us feel its not that we want to indulge feeling this way its just the only way our hearts will let us and we feel priviledge in the honor of the pain and tears---a friend writes to tell me I'm not dead, ah but yes, I am.

Sep 22, 2013
No need to apologise
by: Lawrence

Allison,
There is absolutely no need to apologize; you just said how you felt.
We are all friends here and have all gone through the trauma and heartache of losing a beloved partner and expressing our different views is the purpose of it all.
I am grateful there is such a web site as it helped me understand and come to terms with my intense grief at losing a precious wife on Christmas day.
I feel it saved me to know my suffering and pain was shared by so many others and I was not behaving irrationally.
Lawrence

Sep 21, 2013
monuments
by: Anonymous--MI

Allison---I understand, along with others, what you meant in your post. This journey of grief plays games with words and what other people are meaning in their feelings. You, are right in this way---we hurt so much and tears flows endlessly every day and night but we try not to 'dress ourselves' in this grief for the sake of our children, grkids, family and friends. We try hard to think of how our husbands and lost loved ones would want us to try to get through each day. I try to be strong for my grkids--they miss my husband so very much( their grandfather) and when I see their sweet innocent faces I try to smile and remember with them a great man that we all have lost and miss so much. I think Allison was sending the message of trying to think of joyful things and moving toward the light and love and peace of Jesus. We must look to Him for strength and in doing so he will help us to smile again, laugh again and lean on each other again. We will never be the same without our dear loved ones--the pain in raw and brutal and crushing but in order for us to live any kind of decent life we must try to think of what our loved ones would want for us and that is peace and happiness. God Bless all of we who are grieving.

Sep 20, 2013
Monuments
by: Allison

Judith & Lawrence - With respect, all I was trying to say is that in the midst of horrible sorrow, there must be ways to cope with the grief. Not sure how you understood that I was suddenly forsaking Kent. I still feel terrible all the time but I am trying to switch my mindset to a more positive mode. I know he would want me to be as happy as possible and I do find that remembering the happy times does help. I also know that this monument of misery, as I mentioned before, would be the last thing he would want me to continue with. It felt really bad that you thought I was suddenly carefree. And to suggest because of what I said would attract a "happy for your loss" comment so diminished his memory and my love. From past experiences, this felt like a safe forum to air ideas. We are all hurting, just finding our own ways of coping. I certainly wasn't preaching. Just sharing any possible aid to deal with this ongoing sadness. Please accept my apologies and may you both find your peace. And I certainly am very sorry for both your losses. I really mean it. I know it hurts like hell.

Sep 20, 2013
Well done Judith
by: Lawrence

Hi Judith
You put it so much better than I could.
We all grieve in our different ways.
I miss my dear wife incredibly, not having her here with me to rejoice at my granddaughter’s successful application for a prestigious job hurts badly, she would have been over the moon with happiness, we all cried at her missing it,
or a new boyfriend coming on the scene, she would have wanted to know all about him, it breaks my heart that she is missing all the family gossip..
It is now nearly nine months since she died almost in my arms and the pain and anguish still remains, albeit not as bad as the first few months.
You can’t just shrug of seventy years of love and friendship or however long you have been together by saying “GET ON WITH IT” live off your memories.
The pain is acute and my life is so lonely and sad now, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, it is a tribute to a wonderful wife, mother and Nana and indeed a great grandma.
Lawrence


Sep 19, 2013
It's called MIssing Them
by: Judith in California

Allison, while what you say is inspiring to you and helps you IT is not the case for most of us. I am at the 3 year mark and I still miss him very much . You can't or don't throw away all those years in a flash. The memories of 35 !/ 2 years are many. No , I never, and I might say that most of us don't equate the grieving we do as to show how much we loved them. NO ONE does that. WE just effing miss them. We miss the US, the eing told we're special to them, The things that all couples shared. So please feel the way you want and the rest of us will feel the way we do. So am I sopposed to say I'm glad for your loss since you're so fine with it?

Sep 19, 2013
wise words
by: June

Thank you Allison, you are very wise.

I am now 18 months into this journey...I don't like it...but I do celebrate the almost 42 years Mike and I had together.

"Life is a Journey"....not sure what the end result will be, but am making the most of everyday, and if I am so lucky to be with Mike in the future that will be "the icing on the cake."

♥June
Canada

Sep 18, 2013
Wonderful
by: Anonymous

Thank you, Allison, for such an inspiring post. I lost my father suddenly 9 months ago, and I am still really struggling with the loss. My mother, married to my father for 49 years, is even worse. I will share this with her, and hopefully together we can put it into practice. I wish you peace as you continue to heal. Barb

Sep 18, 2013
we are all different
by: Lawrence

Allison,
We all deal with our grief in different ways; you have found a way that suits you and well done. I miss my precious wife still after nine months and wait patiently for the sadness to go, I doubt if it ever will, but remember we were together for nearly seventy years.
I am getting on with my life joining orchestras, social clubs and writing novels but it all seems so empty and pointless without the only girl I ever loved.
I must admit I envy you but we are all different, thank goodness.
Lawrence


Sep 18, 2013
Monuments
by: Anonymous--Mi

Allison---I have read your post and am truly inspired by your words. It is good sound advice and I hope that I can start to live a joyful and grateful life in honor and memory of my dear husband of 43 yrs. I am 10 months into this journey of grief and I am thankful for such posts as yours. Best wishes and Peace to you

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