More painful than I could have ever imagined.

by Geraldine Goskey
(Toronto, On, Canada.)

I needed time to heal from divorce and my ex's subsequent death a few years later. This was 17 years ago. I was managing fairly well. I raised our three children mostly alone, and was used to being a single mom. I needed these years before really pursing another relationship. (I never did go for grief counselling after this breakup, maybe I needed to.) One day last June, June 8th to be exact, a friend at my church asked me if I ever date. Me, no. Well would you like to go on a blind date? she asked. Yes, I replied without any hesitation, or really thinking. The gentleman in mind began e-mailing me for the first month before we set our first date on July 1/2010. He knows how to write, after all he is a writer and editor for a magazine. The words were romantic and pure poetry. I am not a writer. When we finally met, we had coffee first and then dinner on the Danforth in Toronto at the Pan Pan restaurant in Greektown. My first reaction and gut instinct was to run away (So cruel , so I decided to go through with this date). We had nice conversation, pleasant, however I did not like him, as far as ever being involved . The e-mail I received the next day went like this " I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect you. Also, how Ottawa, had displayed fireworks , just for us. He was excited and had great ideas for the second date. I sent a reply that thanked him and politely stated that I thought that he was looking for something different than me. He, did not give up. I actually sent another e-mail that was not so kind. I thought that I needed to leave him alone, no insults. A few weeks passed, and he sent a kind e-mail, just asking me how I was doing. I had been feeling guilty for not being too kind, with my own e-mail response. So, I replied and asked to stay in touch with him. We started Instant Messaging, almost daily. I loved his words, and started flirting with him . The next month and a half, I accepted an invitation to meet him in person. I was so nervous. We met, and kissed. This new affection was the first I had been given in years. We started dating, and were quite passionate with one another. He has a 7 year old, from a 9 year relationship, and two older children from a marriage. He told me that he was in it for the long run. He could see us together. He promised that I would meet his 7 year old. I believed everything. We enjoyed each other. However, I felt very restricted because I could not easily see him , due to not yet meeting his son. His ex was on excellent terms with him. They lived as neighbours in the almost adjoining apt. buildings. They were great parents. I felt more and more like an outsider, all the while believing (perhaps he really did to) that I would eventually be involved and a part of this. I never felt part of his life enough. I would ask him if he really had room in his life for me. He always was positive with his answers. We spoke daily, and alway said how much we loved each other. Early on about two months into our relationship, he said he was falling in love with me. I felt so scared,not quite ready for this or to respond yet. Well, I opened up my heart, my life, my emotions, my intimacy and perhaps forgot about living my own life. The last few months of this 7 month relationship (still it is not 7 dates, it is 7 intensive months), I saw him distancing himself from me. I was already grieving this. One evening, at the finish of visiting with my brother for his birthday, he said "I just do not have feelings for you anymore". He did not feel for me the way he did for his ex's, and did not want to take it to the next level. I left, and was kind of numb. It has been 8 weeks. I have cried often, I have been restless and at times cannot stop going out on walks or drives. (Getting in better shape). I have spoken to a counsellor twice. She has given me some ideas to help me heal. She said it would take 3-6months. Today I have felt such overwhelming sorrow and pain so deep inside, that I do not feel like I am going to survive this. I am also feeling angry, angry because the promises he spoke to me were broken. I am also angry at myself, because I let someone into my inner spirit. He broke it. I am a believer in God, and have prayed so much for this ordeal to be over. I miss him so much that it physically hurts in my heart. The counsellor says, I should not contact him because I need to wean myself away from him physically and emotionally. I know this to be true, but I feel like there is a huge cut or incision right through my heart. So, this is my story. I have hope for my healing, hope for the future, hope to meet a man who will really love me. Hope to not become bitter and closed to a new romance that is yet to happen. God bless you for letting me share this experience. I hope it helps someone else. Expressing this, and knowing I am not alone is very comforting. Bye for now Geri. His name is Ken, and I miss him.

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