More Than a Mother

by Sylvia
(California)

Our home is so different without her. We don't hear the sound of pots and pans clanging as she cooked up wonderful meals for us, or the sound of her voice singing to our children, or giving us words of wisdom, or sharing her childhood stories with us.

My mother was so important to our family. Not only was she a loving mother who through her many sacrifices raised four children to become professional adults, she was so much more...She was my pillar of strength in times of weakness. She was my source of wisdom when I needed guidance. She encouraged me to believe in myself and love myself just as I am. She taught me to think of others and give generously to those in need. Most importantly, she showed me the love of Jesus from a young age. Through her example, I learned how to live a spirit-filled life, trusting in the Lord and walking by faith even in the most difficult moments.

I feel a huge emptiness in my heart, now that she's gone. I miss her terribly, and sometimes fear that I can't continue on without her. Although I know that in his infinite love, the Lord will carry me through this valley; this is definitely the most painful loss I have ever experienced.

My husband and I lost our first baby about five years ago and that was a devastating loss for me. I since have had two sons but still long for my first child, who was my one and only daughter. With time, however, that wound from losing my baby has healed, and I'm grateful for having two healthy children.

The loss of my mother is more complex. Not only do the countless memories of my mother overwhelm me with sadness, I also feel that I've lost part of my identity. The person who represented an integral part of my upbringing, who made me who I am today, is gone. I am also missing an extremely important aspect of my life now, one which I could always rely on, that is, the guidance and unconditional love of my mother.

Thoughts of my mother's death are also extremely painful, and yet I seem to re-live the whole experience over and over again in my mind. My mother died of gall bladder cancer which metastasized in the form of tumors on the brain and lymph glands. Although she was terrified of her illness and the medical treatments, she demonstrated courage in such an extraordinary way. She underwent radiation and chemotherapy, along with all of the side effects these treatments bring with them. She had been living here in my home at the time she became ill and she spent her last days here as well. For three excruciating months, we witnessed our dear mother deteriorate, until her body could no longer hold on. She took her last breath on March 10, 2008. My family and I were there, holding her, as she left to be with the Lord.

She was my teacher, my spiritual counselor, my unconditional friend and the one who molded me into the person I am today. She was so much more than a mother, and for that I am eternally grateful.