Most heartwrenching time of my life...

by Sad Times
(USA)

My husband of 2 1/2 years we dated for 4 suddenly left on 3-19-2012. A few days prior when he told me 'I'm planning to move out' I was in complete shock. He had never discussed divorce or even hinted that he wanted out.

We have a ton of things in common and I believed we had a good marriage, not perfect, but I was happy and believed that he was too. Our families and friends are also in shock and didn't see this coming.

On another note, we struggled with infertility issues over the past year and I suffered from 2 miscarriages. The first one was especially devastating at 10 weeks since we had previously seen the heartbeat on the ultrasound at 7 weeks. At the 10 week appointment the fetus had died/no heartbeat. We did get more distant with each other after going thru this, instead of turning towards each other, we dealt with the grief on our own.

I asked if the baby issue is why he is leaving and he adamantly denied it saying that he had a backup plan if that didn't work. i.e adoption. He also denies having anyone else in his life. One strange thing, a day or two before he left as we were getting ready for bed, he said he loved me very much. Trying to get him to say it again I asked "what?" He didn't usually talk that way so it kind of took me by surprise.

It has been 7 weeks since he left and I am still haunted by the memories and his 'oxymoron behavior' i.e. I love you very much but then still left. My heart is completely broken but I try to put one foot in front of the other. He has a few things left at the house that he is picking up on Tuesday. I keep thinking that he is going to reconsider and come back. So far that hasn't happened and the few times that I have spoken to him, he sticks to his story on moving forward. He thinks we have 'personality defects' between us, in that we trigger each other in a negative way. Also, that he doesn't believe that marriage should take work. ...I know, how ridiculous, right?? I might add that this is the first marriage for both, he was 39 and I was 41 at the time.

Of course, I suggested marital counseling and he refused. Informed him that I am going to see a therapist either way to help me get through this and to work on improving myself. I asked if he would at least be willing to hear about some tools that the therapist suggested if I were to call him after the appts, and he agreed to that. I was grasping for any signs of hope at that point so when he agreed to have me call him after my appts I took him up on it. I soon found out that is difficult to relay 'tools'/information to someone who has not heard it firsthand while sitting beside me at the therapist sessions. So far this has not worked to get things back on track but it makes me realize that it takes two fully committed partners to potentially reconcile any separation. Let him/her go if she refuses to engage...

[By the way, the therapist bases his counseling on the book
'7 Principles for Making Marriage Work' by John Gottman. It is a based on thorough research studies/interviews with real life couples over the course of many years. I highly recommend it if you are trying to save your marriage.

May we all ask God for peace in our hearts/minds that we will move forward and get through this while coming out the other side of heartache as stronger women and men. At least we know that we have pure hearts and are able to love another unconditionally. Lessons learned but one day I hope to find someone who takes his marriage vows as seriously as I do. Although I have no desire to meet other men or date anytime soon. Thanks for listening, feel free to share your feedback/thoughts.

PS It has crossed my mind that this may partly be due to a midlife crisis as he is turning 41 this week. Have any of you experienced anything similar?

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