Mother dear love of mine

by Marina
(Milwaukee)

My name is Marina. My mother passed away October 12, 2012. My father passed away the previous year on Fathers Day , June 2012.
Mom had declining health with her heart, lungs and kidneys. My sister took her to the doctor on a regular basis , and Mom was always taking her meds. Early October amon caught a cold which turned into pneumonia. Although she was taking anti- biotics, it wasn't enough. My sister took her to the emergency room and she was admitted with pneumonia on a Thursday. Although her health just got worse in the hospital , we continued to hope she would get better. We watched her die, totally helpless, with no options left or any possibility of medical treatments. One week prior, my sister and I took her to lunch and the following Thursday she was in the hospital, nearing her death. One month before, she was a beautiful women , dressed up holding her dog posing for my daughters camera. Unbelievable .
The shock, horror of her in the hospital dying, gasping for air, and lying there dead is a moment in our lives that no words can explain. We cannot even remotely accept her passing. Our only peace is our Faith in God and that it was her time to go.
At her funeral, that my sister and I planned, I remember not being able to really believe that it was mom in that coffin.
The enormous guilt I feel. Was I so stupid and selfish to let her get a cold? Maybe a better medicine would have stopped her from getting so sick? Did the doctors and hospital staff do the right procedures? Although we knew everything that was being done to her, was it right? We had little choices. People around her, like my sister , had colds, should we have isolated her ?
So many questions with limited answers none which helped mom and she is gone.
I don't care about myself. It is about her life that came to an end.yes she would like to see me and my sis happy but to still be with us.
I have failed . Loss at the highest level.

From a daughter who feels she should never deserve the love, life , everything she did for me.

Comments for Mother dear love of mine

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Nov 14, 2012
Re: Mother dear love of mine
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom on January 10, 2012. Today (Nov. 14th) is her birthday and I'm having a hard time coping. That's why I came to this site. I Googled "my mother's first birthday since her death" and found this site. I just want you and everyone else to know that you are not alone. They say that time heals but I don't know if that's true. The pain isn't as raw as it was when she first died but I still have my moments. I miss her so much! I can't even put it into words. I pray that we all gain the strength to keep going and learn how to make it in this world without our moms.

Nov 03, 2012
Thinking about all of you.
by: Yonah

The guilt does not help. You gave your mom love - it is so hard to say goodbye. Be kind to yourself, and loving. You know your mom would want you to be kind to yourself, as she would have been.

Nov 01, 2012
Mother dear love of mine
by: Doreen U.K.

Marina one of the worst memories is to see our loved one lying in a coffin all cold and wanting to wake them up. A person who once walked and talked with us and who had a relationship with us now lying as cold as stone. We look on in disbelief and numbness not being able to process the whole experience. Then laying them under the ground knowing that we also will one day lie under the ground. It is like a horror story. I watched my husband lie in the coffin and was numb. I couldn't feel till now. There are more questions than answers. there will always be cover ups in the medical profession. more and more are making mistakes and not admitting them. But for your own peace of mind you have to believe that all the treatment that was administered was done with care. None of us knows what happens behind the scenes.
When my husband was in the funeral parlour and we viewed his body he always looked dishevelled as if someone had interfered with his clothes. I was tempted to think that it was my relatives looking for gold rings or necklaces. The following week we watched a TV programme depicting FUNERAL DIRECTORS. It just happened to show the largest one in the country we used close to home in England. Bodies were manhandled and not treated with respect. Bodies just shoved about and some people got the wrong body when the coffin was opened. I cried. This was my precious husband that was manhandled. When Steve had passed away at home and the funeral directors called they took his body away as usual in a body bag, but they dropped him from the height of a raised hospital bed and he fell with a thud like a rock falling down. I was angry. This was disrespectful even for one who was dead and had no feeling. It was still disrespectful. Let us hope that all our lost loved ones will at time of death be treated with respect.

Nov 01, 2012
I am with you, also
by: Ella

I know exactly what you are going through. My mother die at home under hospice June 8, 2012 two weeks after her 88th birthday and two weeks before my 53rd birthday. I took care of her for 16 years, 5 months, 7 days, 15 hours and 35 minutes. Too see them lying there dying, the grasping for air, and finally the death rattle. I blamed myself for not getting her to the hospital sonner, mother was in IUC for three weeks. it was looking postivie for her till she contracted puemonia. I knew it was over so I brought her home to die.
You cannot blame yourself, somethings in life will just happen. Your mother like mine answered the final calling. We all will someday....You might want to seek a support group, it has worked wonders for me. The pain will never go aways but there are days you will feel better and other days you just want to die. You mom would not want that.

Nov 01, 2012
Mother dear love of mine
by: Doreen U.K.

Marina I am sorry for your loss of your mom so suddenly. Well one minute and then gone the next. It is such a shock to you and you will take a long time to come to terms with your loss of your mom.
Don't beat yourself up with GUILT about what you think you did wrong or could have done better. In life there will always be things we could have done differently or better, but in REALITY we just don't know. You can only make a guess. Also don't say you don't deserve the love or live your mom gave you. YOU DID DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND ENJOY LIFE. If your mom heard this is how you felt she would be very unhappy. You were born to this family. Your mom brought you up with such love and care as moms do. There is never a moment when a child does not deserve the nurturing he or she deserves. It is yours by birthright. Try to build yourself up in a positive way. otherwise you will reach rock bottom and find it hard to pick yourself up. I am a mom with 3 Adult children and would feel sad if any of my children felt the way you do. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. I had to watch my husband die slowly over 3yrs. of a deadly painful cancer caused by working with asbestos. It surely is one of the most painful experiences to see your loved one die and you can do nothing to make them better. You feel so helpless. When my husband had Chemotherapy and his immune system was low he would pick up colds, flu, and pneumonia easily. He even got shingles in his eye and it closed up very swollen and bruised. He could have lost his vision as it is dangerous. I was very irritated if anyone came to visit and Steve picked up their colds. it is natural to feel like this. But don't PUNISH yourself forever for your mom's premature death. None of us knows when our time to die is. I still feel angry that my husband died such a horrific death, and not given adequate pain medication so that he did not suffer. In life there will always be REGRETS, & UNFAIRNESS it does make our grief worse. We want our loved ones to be treated with the utmost respect and care, but in a declining world of resources we will always have these regrets.

Oct 31, 2012
I feel your pain
by: Andrew

I wanted to write something but just could not. Wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I lost my mom on the 16 October 2012 in much the same way as yours and cannot come to grips with her passing...

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