motherless daughter

I lost my mother nearly a year ago now.
She was in hospital for 2 weeks before her death, so at this time last year, she was in hospital.
It was unexpected, it all happened so quickly.
I just wish she was here.
I don't think I have properly grieved in the past year, people tell you to keep busy so I am at university, but I am finding it very hard to concentrate when I think of her in the hospital bed.
It hurts because I know how it is affecting my dad, he says he is on his own now, very upsetting as I don't know how to make him feel better.

Comments for motherless daughter

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Feb 23, 2013
Sympathy
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous. You will feel sorrow for your loss for some time. But in time you will be able to put people in your life who will make a difference. It is good you promised your mom you will try to live your life your way. We can't help but act out what we know from our own upbringing, but we can also write our own history. This usually happens when one gets married and goes into a new family. It can be very challenging entering a new phase of life when one is young. It is harder for older people who are set in their ways. This makes grief harder. I have my youngest daughter living with me and I wonder how she will cope with the grief of losing me and also for managing the home all on her own. It is a Mom thing to worry and be concerned. Part of our nature. But young people do cope well despite the difficulties life chucks at them.
All you can do to honour your mom is to live your life well and be happy. But for now your grief will get in the way. But it won't last forever. You will get through this grief and be happy again. Hold onto the HOPE of the afterlife. This is what keeps me going. Best wishes.

Feb 21, 2013
motherless daughter
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous. It is normal to get on better with one parent more than the other. It is how we bond with our parents that causes this division. I was in my early 50's when my mother died and my father had a relationship with a woman who wanted to marry him. But my father didn't want to marry her. They were in their 80's at the time. They found great companionship together. But I would never accept her as a mother figure. All I would do is be happy for my father and respect her as his companion. I wouldn't deny my father his happiness. I am of the older generation and I did struggle a bit with my feelings. When you focus on your dad's happiness you will find it easier to either get close or keep your distance from your father's lady friend. It really depends how you feel and what you want out of life and who you want in your life. There is no set rule.
I found it difficult when my father made a decision that when he died he wanted to be cremated and his ashes put with his lady friend. That is the bit I found hard to accept. My father is still alive at 91yrs. and his lady friend died a few years ago. I am still happy that 2 people in their 80's came together for companionship. But I don't know where my father want's his ashes to be scattered with my mother or his lady friend? You may benefit seeing a grief counsellor and teasing out your feelings and get the support you need to heal from your loss of your mother and to help cope with your father and his relationship. Counselling does help to put things into some perspective.

Feb 20, 2013
Motherless Daughter
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom on May 2, 2011. My mom and I were very close. I remember having a conversation with my mom when I was very young and I told her that if she was to die I wouldn't want to live without her. My mom stated that she would have lived many more years than I at that point and I had to go on with my life which has been easier said than done. My mom died about 8 or 9 days prior to Mother's Day. Listening to the advertisements on the radio about gift ideas for your mom was so difficult because the first year and a couple days after she passed I would say to myself, I know longer have a mom to shower with gifts. I have always been much closer with my mom than my dad and after she passed I would always ask God why he didn't take him first. This is not to say that I loved my mom more than my dad but I knew that I could always depend on her and I knew that she would be there. After the dust settled, I did feel guilty but if I had a say so that would have been my wish. Life has been difficult since she left and often times I find myself crying because after almost 2 years my heart still hurts. I long for the smalls things like being able to pick up the phone and call her just because. just recently my father has started hanging around with some lady. He says that she's not a girl friend but from what my sister tells me they have been seeing each other quite a bit. I know in my heart he is entitled to move on because I know my mom would have by now but I'm having mixed emotions and I don't know how I would deal with the situation should it progress. Can someone who has already been there done that please explain how you dealt with it and accepted the fact that your surviving parent was starting a new life. This is not to say that I think my father has forgotten about my mother because they have known each other since Jr. High. I guess he just feels that it's time to move on and get on with the remainder of his life.

Feb 20, 2013
Sympathy
by: Anonymous

Hey, i lost my mom about a year ago too. I still cry at some point every day. I just miss her so much. I was 28 when my mom passed and an only child. Im having difficulty getting over it i think because nobody wants to talk about my mom. Its like nobody wants to hurt me by talking about her but really it gets worse by doing that. I have been reading a lot of my mom's books to try to get through it. She had a lot of difficulty working through her own grief and i remember her telling me when she was ill that she really was worried for me because she knew what grief was like. So she had a lot of books on god, spirituality and the afterlife that i am reading now. It gives me some hope. The one thing that i promised her when she was dying was that i would live my life my way and try to be happy because she taught me what was important, although it's turning out to be a lot harder than i initially thought. Anyway, i hope that through my little ramble that you find some comfort in that you are not alone yet grieving is different for everybody. We all ultimately want to get to the same place but out roads are different. One day at a time.

Feb 20, 2013
motherless daughter
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear motherless daughter. If you feel you haven't grieved in the past year for your mother perhaps it is because you have been too busy to grieve. This will make your grief twice as hard later on. It pays to give attention to grieving. But grief is not something you can force. It will come naturally. Cry when you need to. This it the most important part of grieving which is to express sorrow through tears. You could also go and see a grief counsellor who is trained to support people in grief who sometimes get stuck and can't move forward. I lost my mother 10 years ago next month. It is easier for me now. But I have just lost my husband of 44yrs. and this grief is much harder and painful. I am not too busy to grieve. I get busy when I need to and do the things I need to do. Because you are studying a grief counsellor could be your best option of moving forward and coping with your studies.
Don't forget your Dad. Try and make time for him and keep an eye on him that he is coping and he is engaging in life where he is doing something beneficial productive for his well being so he doesn't slip into a depression. If he has siblings he can meet up with them and make his life better. He lost a wife. I lost a husband so our grief is different. You will get through this loss in time. One day at a time it will hopefully get better.

Feb 20, 2013
Dear Motherless,
by: Pat

Losing a mother is a terrible feeling. My mother passed in 2009. When a parent dies, we lose a piece of our hearts. Mothers give us life. I am sorry you have to go through this at such a young age. I have a feeling, however, that your mother was very proud of you and would have wanted you to finish your education. Yes, your father is grieving too. There is nothing you can do to ease his pain, but sharing your loss will help both of you. Talk to each other, support each other. Do things to honor your mother. A scrapbook is a great way to remember and honor your mother and a keepsake both you and your father will treasure for years to come. Please be aware that there is no time limit on grief. It works differently for each of us. Since you are busy with school, you are not dwelling on your grief, but there are ways to deal with it. You might try to seek out a support group for those who have lost loved ones. It can be very helpful to share your feelings with others who are going through the same thing. There are also many books on grief that might help you understand your journey better. There are also websites where you can blog with other grievers. Take care, dear child. It will get better, but, remember, time is not the issue. Give it as long as you need. Pat

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