Mother's Love

by Kristiana
(Sacramento, CA)

My mother died 3 weeks ago at 55 years old. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer the end of July and was gone in a little less then three months. Watching the only person in the world who has been my supporter and my courage when I had none die in front of me...is the most profound experience, there are no words for this experience. She will never be here to let me talk about my bad day or give me dating advice. There will be no more lunches together just because, no more long hikes along the river, no more pulling up to my house to take my young son to her house for a day of arts and crafts. No more advice on being a single parent, no more. I watched her wither away and die within weeks. The flowers she got when she was in the hospital lasted longer than she did.
No one understands that as she was dying she was agitated and disillusion. She was short and cranky for months prior to the diagnosis, making this past summer devoid of many good memories for my son and I. She disappeared from her hospital room a few weeks before she died and a doctor found her passed out in a stairwell. She said that two people where with her and she called me a liar when I told her that she was mistaken. She said that the nurses were hurting her and her sister in law yelled at her when she had not talked to her in several weeks.
No one tells you, there is no warning about the truth of what death really looks like. I suppose the agitation and disillusion was her last ditch effort at living. The last bit of fight she had in her. No one tells you about the pendulum of emotions that you will have after she is gone. Guilt, anger, pain, denial and then guilt, anger and pain again.
People say things like "I am sorry for your loss" or they don't know what to say so they avoid you. I have gone on her Facebook page and looked at photos from 5 months ago in disbelief, she took my son to music in the park and the Jelly Belly Factory for a tour just 5 months ago. She was supposed to take him trick or treating this year, we had plans to go to Tahoe for Thanksgiving and Disneyland for Christmas. She is not here now. The feeling of being alone did not truly hit until I saw our plane tickets for LAX for Christmas that we had got in June.
The Fourth of July we watched fireworks and she was laughing and enjoying the day...I never really understood the saying "Life is to short" until my mother withered away and died within weeks. How did this happen so fast? I feel lost without the one person who loved me NO MATTER what. I now must face this big scary world alone...without my supporter.
Watching her die was profound, living without her is undescribable.

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Nov 09, 2013
Mother's Love
by: Doreen UK

Kristiana I am so sorry for your loss of your mom from your life at such a young age. I know all about what the cancer journey is like. It is so very devastating. Even if someone told you what to expect it wouldn't register in the same way as when you go through it. We all know what the pain of grief feels like. It is a generic pain we all go through. BUT. We all have our own solo journey of loss and depth of pain from our own life experiences. But we all know from experience what everyone on this site is feeling from our loss. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 18 months ago to cancer and I had to watch him die slowly over 3yrs.39 days. My husband was a placid man but I noticed changes in him. He was angry and outspoken, and aggressive at times which wasn't his nature. He didn't want to die and he just accepted what he couldn't change even if it wasn't fair. He worked hard for his family for 47yrs. and often 7 days a week with no time off work except for 2 major illness's. Cancer being the worst from working with asbestos. His cancer was terminal. No Hope of any cure. This was incurable, and inoperable cancer. Now I go on alone without him. I guess my husband was angry having worked hard all his life and didn't get to enjoy the fruits of his labours. Life is very UNFAIR. We don't get to choose when we are born or when we die. WE just accept our lot in life. It is not easy when one establishes a bond with loved one's that affects our lives forever when they are gone out of our lives. It is such a hard and tough adjustment. Even worse for the grandchildren who cannot process events like a death. A Mother's Love is strong and yet so painful when we lose it. I am a mom to 3 Adult children and have to prepare for when I leave this world and wonder how my children will cope with not just loss, but survival in a fast changing difficult world. I guess we all go on just ONE DAY AT A TIME, till HEALING takes place.

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