My mother died 3 weeks ago at 55 years old. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer the end of July and was gone in a little less then three months. Watching the only person in the world who has been my supporter and my courage when I had none die in front of me...is the most profound experience, there are no words for this experience. She will never be here to let me talk about my bad day or give me dating advice. There will be no more lunches together just because, no more long hikes along the river, no more pulling up to my house to take my young son to her house for a day of arts and crafts. No more advice on being a single parent, no more. I watched her wither away and die within weeks. The flowers she got when she was in the hospital lasted longer than she did.
No one understands that as she was dying she was agitated and disillusion. She was short and cranky for months prior to the diagnosis, making this past summer devoid of many good memories for my son and I. She disappeared from her hospital room a few weeks before she died and a doctor found her passed out in a stairwell. She said that two people where with her and she called me a liar when I told her that she was mistaken. She said that the nurses were hurting her and her sister in law yelled at her when she had not talked to her in several weeks.
No one tells you, there is no warning about the truth of what death really looks like. I suppose the agitation and disillusion was her last ditch effort at living. The last bit of fight she had in her. No one tells you about the pendulum of emotions that you will have after she is gone. Guilt, anger, pain, denial and then guilt, anger and pain again.
People say things like "I am sorry for your loss" or they don't know what to say so they avoid you. I have gone on her Facebook page and looked at photos from 5 months ago in disbelief, she took my son to music in the park and the Jelly Belly Factory for a tour just 5 months ago. She was supposed to take him trick or treating this year, we had plans to go to Tahoe for Thanksgiving and Disneyland for Christmas. She is not here now. The feeling of being alone did not truly hit until I saw our plane tickets for LAX for Christmas that we had got in June.
The Fourth of July we watched fireworks and she was laughing and enjoying the day...I never really understood the saying "Life is to short" until my mother withered away and died within weeks. How did this happen so fast? I feel lost without the one person who loved me NO MATTER what. I now must face this big scary world alone...without my supporter.
Watching her die was profound, living without her is undescribable.