mr John

by John McQuiston
(Springhill Florida U.S.A.)

On August 17, 2014 , I lost the love of my life, after a very short battle with cancer. She was doing well until the third chemo , and less than two weeks later she was dead. Sue was my soul mate, sorry about the spelling. My whole life. She was my high school girl friend. We lost touch after I went into the Marines, went to Vietnam, and was never the same again. We reconnected 10 years ago and knew it was right , in every way, Married , and never so happy in our lives. She was my everything and I was hers. I don't know how to get along without her. I know she wants me to go on, but I don't know how. Her granddaughter is with me to help me, thank God, but I just can't shake the sadness. We have many friends that have offered their help, over and over again, but I don't want to be a burden on anyone . What can I do, I miss her so damn much it hurts. I can't eat , sleep , or get an interest in doing anything,.

Thank you
Sad John

Comments for mr John

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Sep 28, 2014
Dear John, I need your help!
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...
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Hi Judith from California, Pat from Green Bay, and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 22, 2014
i understand
by: jean

so sorry about your wife. I lost my husband 3 yrs ago to lung cancer. 39 days after I took him to the hospital, he passed away. it is so hard. your life feels out of control and you try to make sense of it all, but theres no way it will ever make sense. im still going to counseling at hospice. they are wonderful there and im blessed to have a counselor who understands the facets of loss and grief. my life has not been the same since losing my husband. everything gets turned upside down and backwards and every other way. sometimes I hurt so much I thought id go crazy. and I think we do go a little crazy when something so shocking and sad happens. I was so sad I couldn't cry. I guess its shock. when something is so painful and theres so much sorrow, shock gets us through. its our lifes fusebox. please take care of yourself. its very important. find a counselor at your local hospice, or church...someone who is a professional who can help you through. love your family and friends like never before, and let them help. god bless you...ill keep you in my prayers.

Sep 21, 2014
Mr John
by: Doreen UK

John I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved wife Sue to this dreadful disease of cancer. You are facing RAW GRIEF and in the very worst place to be right now. We all went through this agony when we lost our spouse and remember well how we felt we couldn't go on another day, feeling as if we would feel like this forever. Losing one's motivation to do anything is the first thing to suffer. It feels like being knocked down by a truck and you get up and try to get on with life knowing you can't because you HURT SO MUCH. Grief assaults the body and it is a struggle to face each day with no energy or motivation to do anything.
I lost my beloved husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer battle 2yrs.4months ago. I nursed him for 3yrs. 39days before he died. It was a horrendous cancer journey where I had to watch him die slowly and his emaciated body told me the whole story as I massaged him and tried to make him as comfortable as I could. Wishing I could take this suffering away from him and let him have his life back. He died at age 65yrs. before he could enjoy his retirement he worked 47 long hard years for. His plans all gone so quickly. It has been a very painful journey for me trying to get the strength to go on in life. I could not function for 6 months. Only then did I manage to take one job and then two a day till I got stronger and scaled back when I could do nothing. I honoured the way I felt and did not stretch myself beyond what I could do or cope with. I also found the secret on this site to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I still can only face one day at a time. Grief is up and down and no two days are the same. What changes is the RAW GRIEF. it shouldn't feel so painful as the days go by. If it does you may need to see a grief counsellor for support. Often we can get stuck in grief and unable to move forward. This is one of the worst experiences of one's life. TO LOSE A SPOUSE.

Sep 20, 2014
solace and advice
by: Lawrence

Hi John,
MY deepest sympathy on losing your wife, I know and feel your heartache.
As someone who has also lost a wife and sweetheart I loved so deeply, I can tell you now, John that there is no short cut to ease your overwhelming pain.
You must do what we all have done which is to cry and scream out at the world and let your body and soul release some of the utter anguish you are feeling.
Its early days for you, just over four weeks and your agony must be like nothing you have felt in your life before, even your experiences in Vietnam which must have been unbelievably terrifying can’t compare to what you are feeling now.
You have joined a web site for people who were also in despair at losing someone so precious and I found the sympathy and help I received when I was so bereft after loving this beautiful girl for nearly seventy years, and really didn't want to face the few years I had left alone, but I was persuaded by many people that life has to go on, now after nearly two years I realized they were right.
I understand the lethargy you are feeling, as I was the same but I forced myself.to do things.
This is my advice to you John.
“GET OUT OF THE HOUSE” do anything climb mountains, run marathons, if you played a musical instrument in the past consider finding a teacher and start playing again, if you enjoy playing cards join the local bridge club, anything, but stay in your house and mourn, it will still be there when you return, cold empty and so lonely.
Needless to say I do all of those things and many more( except for the mountains and marathon, after all I am 85 years old), I still cry and miss her like crazy but grieving goes in stages and you are in the first, the one of utter disbelief.
In a good few months realization will set in and you will accept she has gone, it does get a little easier after that but don’t expect to stop crying, I don’t think I will ever stop.
If someone would have told me I would be able to write this comment to you after she died, I would have never believed them, yet here I am offering you advice and I hope solace.
I wrote a poem when I was so distressed and the last few lines are.
THEN YOU DIED, LEAVING ME TO MOURN
A SHADOW PASSED OVER THE SUN
BUT NOW YOU'VE GONE, WERE STILL A PAIR
A PAIR, JUST MINUS ONE.

Take great care of yourself and don’t forget to eat.
Lawrence


Sep 20, 2014
sorry…..
by: Anonymous

I cannot believe how each word you wrote rings true on so many levels but the one we all have problems with is the emptiness. The seeming inability to go forward in our lives without the one person who gave us a reason to live. I have now struggled for 20 months and although the expression of my grief is different than it was at the very beginning, the depth of the void has not been filled no matter what I try to do.

You have now been catapulted into a different dimension where nothing is the same as what “normal” life is like. Most people will not be able to understand the emotional stress your body and mind has undergone, even well meaning family. All I can tell you is to take small steps and if you get one thing done in a day that you wanted to do then be ok with that. I have full days where I shut down and can’t function still. When my husband first died I had weeks of shut down.

I am so sorry that you are now facing the worst thing anyone can go through. Nothing compares to being left behind when your loved one dies. I don’t have any answers as to how to deal with any of this I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. This website helps me as I need to read and sometimes write about how facing death affects me. Some days are worse than others but the path you have now been forced to take has no reverse. Trying is the best any of us can do.

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