Mrs Jen Pearce

by Jen Pearce
(Gosnells, Western Australia)

My husband died, quite unexpectedly, 3 weeks ago. He had prostate cancer and we were naturally convinced this would be his demise (after treatment several years ago, radiation therapy, he had been in remission since, until the signs were that it had returned and was now outside the prostate and into his bones and lymph glands)we had talked about this together and more or less accepted it might be a long struggle.

Several weeks later, he complained of breathlessness and I insisted on taking him to "GP After Hours", the Dr immediately sent him to ED where they told us he had had a "significant" heart attack.

They transferred him overnight to another hospital with a Coronary Care unit.

I stayed with him the next day and in the morning he seemed fine but later kept drifting off to sleep, which I put down to not having slept much the night before.

That evening I received a call from the hospital saying he had had a severe "arrhythmic attack" and, should he have another he might not survive.

At 6.10am they rang and said if I could come it would be good, as he was very weak.

My next door neighbor(from heaven)drove me there, but after the driest summer on record, it chose to pour down with rain and instead of our trip taking 40 minutes it took over an hour and a half.

By the time we arrived, it was too late.

I felt totally numb the first day, however the next and the following day I rang everyone who needed to know and packed up all his clothes and took them to a charity shop.

This was the second time I have been widowed, and I did the same previously - NOW I am feeling bad about it, mainly because he was cremated in a shroud and not in one of the suits, shirt and tie he loved to wear.

I am not still, feeling anything. Does anyone else out there relate to this? I am nearly 72 and he was 79 - we had been married 21 years and 11 days.

Thank you, in hope, anyone?

Jen


Comments for Mrs Jen Pearce

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Apr 18, 2013
So very difficult
by: June

April 17, 2013
Jen,
So sorry for the loss of your husband. It will be a long, lonely (even if you have lots of friends and family) road. I know, I lost my Mike one year, 1 month and 9 days ago. We were married for 42 years. I think I was in a fog for the whole of 2012, couldn't believe he was gone. I miss him more and more each day. It took me a year to give his suits (he only wore them for our cruises and weddings)to Big Brothers Organization. I still have a lot of his things...it is too hard to get rid of them. I haven't changed anything in the house and feel very lucky that I can afford to stay here.
This website is a help and the kind people who comment, such as Doreen, give you some good advice and peace of mind.
Hugs to you.
June
Canada

Apr 17, 2013
the clothes
by: Anonymous

I lost my partner of 20 years 18 months ago. I didn't and couldn't remove his clothes until 2 weeks ago. I kept putting it off and off and off.
I wished I had done it straight away while I was numb.
Going through his clothes 18 months after his passing seemed to be even harder. I cried and cried and cried it hurt so much. Every shirt, every pair of shorts, every sock, every singlet every pair of underwear hurt to put into a black plastic bag. I could see him in everything I was throwing out, one item at a time. I thought I was dealing with everything a little better, which I have been, but now have been reminded of the insense pain I had in that first 12 months.
I still have the garage to sort out (his favourite play place). I find it still very difficult to go in there. His beer bottle and ash tray are still where he left them. I wish I would have dealt with this all sooner.
We're all different and nothing about losing and accepting our loved one's are gone forever is easy.

Apr 16, 2013
Sympathy
by: LawrenceSympathy

To Mrs. Jen Pearce

My heart goes out to you and I know the intense grief you are feeling.
I lost my beautiful cherished wife three months ago after being together for nearly seventy years (62 years married and 8 years courting).
I can’t begin to tell you the anguish and pain I am still suffering and I realize you must be going through the same.
.There are no words I can write that will make the pain easier, the death of a loving partner is something that is impossible to imagine until it happens.
.After reading your story I consider myself lucky in the fact that my wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dead from a massive heart attack. I guess it’s the ending we would all like.
I wrote a song for our Ruby wedding which ended with these words.
“Although the years are but a few, I want to spend them all with you”
I sincerely hope you had a happy marriage and please don’t regret anything.
Everyone on this site I’m sure is praying for you.
Lawrence

Apr 16, 2013
Mrs Jen Pearce
by: Doreen U.K.

Jen I am sorry for your loss of your husband so suddenly and for your grief over the time it took to get to the hospital only to find your husband had passed away.
I lost my husband to a deadly chemical cancer 11months ago. We were married 44yrs. My husband's cancer was terminal from diagnosis and a miracle he survived 3yrs.39days with an aggressive cancer. I prayed for healing and expected a miracle so I was surprised when my husband died. I think this is when I went numb. But numbness is common after a loss.
11months on I am just coming out of this numbness and feeling my grief more.
I wanted to dress my husband in his work clothes since he spent 47yrs. working and was due to retire and didn't get to do this. Plus I was going to put his leather waistcoat on him he recently bought from America. Then I talked this over with my ex boss Psychologist/counsellor. He suggested I put on my husband a suit and tie and make him look good. I was confused before this not knowing what to do. Thank God I put the suit tie and good shirt on him. I was happy I did this. A pin striped suit my husband never wore for over 23yrs. due to being older and put on weight. He looked good. The right decision.
I then put all my husband's clothes in black bags whilst I detached myself from the significance of doing this. I then put them in the spare bedroom for over 3 months and then gave them to the Salvation Army for other people's benefit. My husband had such beautiful clothes it hurt to give them away. I loved ironing his shirts. I did and still do feel a sadness having done this so soon. BUT. I had to realise He was never coming back and what good would these shirts and clothing do sitting around the home. All his other personal effects I cannot deal with and so they are out of the home in my husband's Log Cabin he had built before he died as this was his dream to build one. He was too ill so we had to pay to have this built. I will deal with these personal items when I feel the time is right. I can't even put a photo up or look at photo's as it is too painful.
I have redecorated the home to look different. I feel I did things too quickly and SHOULD HAVE WAITED. I read somewhere to not make any changes or decisions in the first year. GOOD ADVICE. SOME REGRETS HERE. I gave away things I wish I hadn't given away.
I know how you feel about not putting the clothes your husband loved on him. I would feel the same way. BUT. I would learn to live with the CHOICE I made. Someone will benefit from wearing those clothes and you can think of this. Those clothes still exist. They are still in the world. this should comfort you. There was a lot of decisions to make. Some we get right. Some we regret. But we have to eventually live with the decisions we made.

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