Multiple deaths I realized I never fully grieved
When I was one week from graduating high school I had one of my oldest identical twin brothers kill himself. I was young and my parents are great supportive christians we really never talked about it besides prayer. My friends acted different towards me. Then 3 years later the other twin killed himself. I am starting to realize that I was so angry and hurt that how could they do this? Especially to mom and dad HOW SELFISH!! So I just buried it inside.
Then I had taken the day off of work to be with my mom and dad I am really close to my parents, the child they can depend on...my dad and I were so very close he always was positive he loved my mother so much and had alot of faith. He always understood me and knew what to say or do to comfort me. I talked to him on the phone told each other we loved each other see you in 20 min. 10 min. later I get the horrifying phone call my dad is in a ambulance they got him recussitated on way to hospital...when I walked in he was dead he was still warm I went crazy...My everything and, protector who kept us all together was gone in a blink of a eye. That day a part of me died. I took anti depressants my mom needed me there were 9 of us kids at this time 7. It hurts to this day not to have my dad. He never saw his grandson born. After that a few years later I woke up with my husband dead in bed with a 6 mo. baby! I was only 34 just had a baby he was healthy but had a heart attack in his sleep. I have alot of anger about the way I was treated by his family and there were alot of things he had hid and lied to me about the whole family. But I had a baby to take care of and alot of stress with having no will,
he had 3 ex's I only knew of 1 I could go on forever. So trust is something a person has to earn. But the latest loss which has really floored me or brought all this up to surface is the loss of my baby. I have had so much happen that I never took time to take care of me coz I am always doin for others. Now I am very depressed withdrawn I pray all the time. I am on antidepressant which just makes you numb but I just feel so alone sometimes like no one understands me. My partner only had our baby as a loss and grandparent. I do count my blessings but I cant stand myself anymore how do I fix myself instead of wanting to fix other people that are broken. I dont live close to my closest family and friends who have been there for me thru all of this and understand me and love me. I am not having
a pity party. I see I need help I have no insurance and I dont want my 9 year old to see his broken hearted mom. He is the angel of my life that has gotten me thru all this really. Theres alot more to this story. I didnt realize how strong my mother was till I became one. She lost 2 sons by selfish act her best friend and spouse and still raised us kids with morals and love. My Dad and her put God first. I would love to have a man that measured up to my father morals and beliefs. I lost myself along this path and I am searching but I do get stressed and angry easy is that the grief turning into anger? I care more about others than myself is that normal? I feel taken for granted.