Mum died one month ago.

by Anonymous

Mum had endocrinal cancer which was being managed. This lasted five years and my plump, dynamic mother became thin and sad. She had good days, and her oncologist said to her that she was doing well. Then she started to get chest pains. Lung cancer. We all thought she had at least a year. I became grumpy with her because she was not eating. I feel that I was always tense around her because at the time she was diagnosed my son nearly died from a drug overdose and I felt that I was not coping. I nagged her for not eating enough. Little did I realise that she was dying. Her legs were swollen. she collapsed. I went to stay with her, as did my brothers. The doctor said that she had days. She died,heavily sedated, in my and my brother's arms. I kept telling her that I loved her. I thought I was coping, but yesterday I found a receipt in her handbag ( I kept it to remind me of her) for a book of poems she bought me for my birthday. In that book she wrote down how much she loved me. I loved her so much. While I am 'coping' I find the grief,and now guilt, so painful. It is like I cannot breathe properly, my head aches, my chest hurts. I cannot imagine life without her. Only a half life. Please someone tell me, is this normal. Will it always be like this? It has also triggered grief over my dad's death. I want someone to tell me that life gets good again. I have no faith. To me, life seems unnecessarily cruel. Why does death come? Why does it stop us from ever seeing people we love(d) ever again. The never again is so cruel. Why does cancer exist. It is such a cruel disease. Mum did not even smoke.I am 50 years old and I feel orphaned and alone. Two of my three children seem 'over it ' and act like everything is as it was. I also feel estranged from my son, I hide it well - I still love him - for being a drug addict and nearly dying of something self inflicted, when mum was in hospital being biopsied. I could not visit her for the four days she was in because my son was a wreck. My husband says that he should have stayed with him, not me. My son was so depressed I thought he would kill himself. He has recognised that he had a major problem and is recovering and is so much better. That is one good thing. But now mum has gone and I will never see her again. I did not give her enough of me. I should have given her a happy, untroubled me. I did try, but always felt tense and stressed. I know this sounds so self centred. There are those on here who have experienced worse. So sorry to go on about my grief and guilt. Needed to let it all come out.

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