Mum died today
She was a few weeks short of her 90th birthday. I've spent the last 3 months as her daily caregiver. I took care of her at her home and she died peacefully I guess. My father and brother were there and I was holding her hand as she took her last breath.
But an hour earlier I left her side to help the nurse find some medicine that had been misplaced. But as soon as I got up, she seemed to wake up and try to sit up and gasped out my name. I should have sat back down immediately but instead I said that I would only be gone a minute. A minute later I was back and holding her hand but I don't know if she was aware of my presence. I wish I hadn't left.
I am haunted by this memory. I feel I let her down when she needed me most. I feel guilty for all the times I was impatient with her or didn't give her all the attention she wanted. I feel like I could have and should have done more to make her happy in her last months. Every day she told me how much she appreciated me being there but even so, in hindsight I should have been more attentive, more cheerful, more devoted.
The nurse said she would die today and I accepted it intellectually but I guess emotionally I still wasn't ready, I thought maybe tomorrow she gonna die. Is there ever a right time to lose your mother?
I miss her so very much and I feel guilty, I feel I let her down, I should have done more for her. Is this normal? Does it ever stop hurting? Can anything fill the void?