Mum died today

by David
(Melbourne, Victoria,Australia)

She was a few weeks short of her 90th birthday. I've spent the last 3 months as her daily caregiver. I took care of her at her home and she died peacefully I guess. My father and brother were there and I was holding her hand as she took her last breath.

But an hour earlier I left her side to help the nurse find some medicine that had been misplaced. But as soon as I got up, she seemed to wake up and try to sit up and gasped out my name. I should have sat back down immediately but instead I said that I would only be gone a minute. A minute later I was back and holding her hand but I don't know if she was aware of my presence. I wish I hadn't left.

I am haunted by this memory. I feel I let her down when she needed me most. I feel guilty for all the times I was impatient with her or didn't give her all the attention she wanted. I feel like I could have and should have done more to make her happy in her last months. Every day she told me how much she appreciated me being there but even so, in hindsight I should have been more attentive, more cheerful, more devoted.

The nurse said she would die today and I accepted it intellectually but I guess emotionally I still wasn't ready, I thought maybe tomorrow she gonna die. Is there ever a right time to lose your mother?

I miss her so very much and I feel guilty, I feel I let her down, I should have done more for her. Is this normal? Does it ever stop hurting? Can anything fill the void?

Comments for Mum died today

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Jul 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone, today is 2 yrs. and 4 months that my beautiful husband was taken to better pastures, which is call Heaven. I know my husband is always with me, that is spiritually, even though I wish he were here physically, but I know now he is in peace, and he carries on a legacy in his work, which so may lives were saved, because of his wonderful beautiful heart, he was very humble, and humanitarian, he could see through people's pain, and while I was married to this wonderful, beautiful husband inside & out. I will always treasure our memories, as husband and wife. As I am writing I am viewing the CD that his homies, and or messes, as he used to call them, and I am viewing how much love this people had for him, and that is the reason why one of the reasons I married my husband, because of his heart who so passionately reached so many in pain. I know as I am writing this message regarding my husband, he is present with me as I write this. He is proud of me I can feel his presence, and he knew, and knows how much I really love him and always will. My heart went with him, when he passed on, but his memory of our lives together will always be treasured in my heart and soul even though his in the thrown of GOD I know I will meet him again, and I know he is saving a place for me, but he lets me know that my time here is continue my journey here, because the Lord has a purpose for me here still. Anyways folks for those new comers, and old comers either way my heart goes out to all of you. I know all of us grieve differently, and some take longer to ease the pain, but even though our pain for our love ones will always be there in our heart & soul. Just want to share my thoughs a little with you folks. GOD bless all of you, and be good to yourself's, because know one else will we our stronger, because we already have gone, and are going through the motions of heart ache, and a pain that know one can understand, but us. For the norms who don't get it, it's okay they don't know until they have walked our shoes, but forgive them as they not know better till next time. The Lord is my strength.

Jun 28, 2014
David please do not feel guilty
by: Anonymous


You did more for your mum than 99 percent of people would. You should be proud of how you helped her in her last few months. So please do not feel guilty about anything. I too lost my mum recently, just after her 90th birthday. I am lost without her and she was such a big part of my life. I am sure both are mothers are with us as I write this and would not want us to be sad like this. But as you say, it is sooo hard.

Thinking of you

Mar 21, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello my mum died today. Well she's not alone today is 3-20-14, and my uncle Manual died at age 73 yrs. old, and he died of CANCER Leukemia cancer in the blood. My husband died 2 yrs. ago in 3-8-14 so in reality your mom, and my uncle seem to have gone to better pastures on the same date, how coincidence is that. Well David just know that your mother knows you were there, even though you felt at that particular moment you left the room about some medication, she passed on, but don't be so hard on yourself, because you will only feel worst. I too remember when I didn't spend some nights with my husband, I felt like I wasn't there, but everyone who knew me, knew how much I loved my husband, but couldn't be there sometimes, because I was running around like a chicken w/out a head, because I was he wife, the accountant, the nurse, the doctor, well you get the picture right. My uncle died today around 1:30 am he had a stroke, and I believe that is what did it, on top of his Chemo, and the ugly word CANCER Leukemia in the blood, same as my husband, but now my cousins boys, well full grown men now. Not only have they lost their father, but now both parents. My aunt Chavela aka as Isabel died like 10 or 12 yrs. ago of a tumor in her brain, and now he my uncle Manaual joins her in better pastures now, but Losing both parents is probably very devastating to my cousins, because normally men tend to depend on the women, because women are more stronger I think in this kinds of trial and tribulations. Well now I pray for you, and my cousins the De La Rosa family today for a stronger tomorrow, because grief is not easy, you don't get over it in a month, a yr. heck 2 or 10 yrs. You just basically continue, and go on to your new journey, of pain, grief, anger, and the whole caputal, but we learn to adjust and live with it, but by asking the Lord, Jesus Christ, Father, Son and Holy spirit to give you strength, courage, faith, hope, and pray to help you through this trial moments in your life. That is what you need to focus from here on in, because that is what is going to get you through life. Trust me, I still grief for my beautiful husband, and he is always around me through, his spirit, scripture, and so many odd strange things that happen to let me know his presence. I hope your pain eases as you go through life of this pain called grief, but you will get through it David. The Lord is my strength

Mar 20, 2014
Mum died today
by: Anonymous

I relate to so much you have said. My mum was also given a few months to live she had congestive heart failure and was in the final stages. Like you I saw her getting weaker but didn't think that death was approaching. I thought her death was months away. My mum was also alert and this made me feel she was not ready to go.After her death last July I replayed the last few days of her life wishing I had done things differently.Wishing I had said this or that, wishing like you that I had been more attentive, wishing that I had spent more time with her. The list is endless. I also replayed the funeral over and over in my mind hoping that she would be happy with everything from my choice of coffin to the hymns.
I think now that I am a bit down the road of grief that guilt and anger are part of the grieving process. it gets a little easier each day and eight months down the road I still cry and have bad days but I am slightly more at ease with the whole thing. I am dreading Mother's Day and I am searching for a way to distract myself from the thoughts of my mum. I wish you all the best. You did your best, we are all human.Take care. Therese

Mar 20, 2014
by: David

I've never grieved before. Never lost anyone I loved so much. But it seems to be exactly how they say it will be. Today I thought I was fine. But a few hours later, I'm miserable again. It's getting better slowly - at least I didn't cry today.

In hindsight it all makes sense. They said she had only a few months left back in December when I came back from overseas to take care of her. And since December she slowly got weaker but I didn't see it as dying in any immediately pending sense. I always thought the doctors and nurses too pessimistic. On her good days she was so alert and she never lost her mental faculties. I always felt death was a few months away.

The day before she died, she seemed so fine, so much better. I never dreamed the next day she would be gone. I keep going over everything in my mind, everything that happened that day and every moment I can remember of the past months. She only exists now in old static memories. No new memories can ever be made.

It is comforting to know that what I feel is normal and losing your mother is a terrible blow to almost everyone. I know I'm on the road to recovery but it's going to take time to heal the hole in my heart that nobody else can fill.

After she died, I continued holding her lifeless hand for a while, staring at her face, as if by holding her hand, she wouldn't really be gone. It was so unreal. I was in a daze, not fully comprehending it.

These months of being her daily caregiver haven't been easy and I sometimes felt so bored and depressed cos my whole life was on hold waiting for her to die. But if I were to wake up now and all this was a terrible dream, I would be so happy to take care of her for years and years and years. I never realised how important she was until she was gone from me forever.

I feel like part of me died with her and I will never feel the same way again. The world seems a colder lonelier place.

God I miss her so very very much!!

Mar 18, 2014
Mum died today
by: Doreen UK

David I am so sorry for your loss of your Mum. It is one of the hardest battles we will ever go through. This pain of grief over the loss of a mum is not something we could ever imagine. The loss is unbearable. Our mother's nurture us and teach us everything apart from giving us life. When we do lose them if does feel as if our world has ended.
You and Us all in the world will have a sense of guilt that we never did enough for our loved one's. I think this feeling is part of grief because most of us feel this way. Even our loved one's who have passed away felt guilt over something they didn't say or do. My husband was dying of cancer and felt abandoned by our 2 eldest children. Busy with their own lives. My husband felt sorrow for not being home to look after his children. His job took him around the world and our country and there was nothing he could do. He had to care for a family but through his caring nature he wanted to do it all. Many things are impossible to complete in life to perfection. We are imperfect beings with a human frailty to match and we will fail every day whether we want to or not. It is part of our nature, humanity, and struggles of life. May God touch you all as a family with his love, Peace and comfort in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

Mar 18, 2014
your mum
by: chickadee

Your words touched me , as I also sat with my father whilst he was dying.
He and I held each other so tight even after he had taken his last breath I couldn't let go.
At the last few hours of his death many spiritual happenings occurred which I cling onto and feel privileged to have experienced.
My father was 89 and everything to me he raised me he was my mother and best friend.
Your mother knows how much you love her she could feel it,we are human we are not perfect.
I think if only this,if only that could have been, but it was the way it was.
Since his death many things have been uncovered which I was not aware of,so much I wish I could turn back the clock and make it all better for him.
I cant though it is too late.
We just miss them so much.
Im trying so hard to remember every day the good times and everything he taught me.
You will always feel that love for your mum because she was your all.
I know.
Try not to be so hard on yourself..
Take every day as it comes....

Mar 17, 2014
mum died today.
by: Lilly

Dear David,
My heart goes to you.. I ,lost my mother February 14/2014..
I also live in Melbourne in Australia..

Losing a parent especially mother is devastating NO matter what age we are..

may she rest in piece and may god look after you now..

Sending you an Angel to ease your pain at this time..

Hugs from,
Lilly xxxxx

Mar 17, 2014
Mum died today
by: Anonymous

So sorry for your loss.You sound like a very devoted son. My mum died in July and since then I have been plagued by the what haves and should haves. The reality is we did our best at that given time and what we thought was best. Your mum knew you were there for her. We are all human I also regret being impatient with my mum and for not making her happier in her last few weeks/ months.However our mothers know us best and know that we didn't mean to offend them. Your mum was aware of your presence and your love and that is what matters. Be gentle with your self only a kind caring person would feel guilty. You did your best. It is not easy losing your mum. I hope you find peace in time.Therese

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