Mum, I miss you so much....

My mother died two months ago yesterday. I have taken care of her in some fashion since my father died around 20 years ago. She lived with my husband and me for over 10 years because she was too frail/unsteady to take care of herself, and during the past year we became her full-time caregivers. She had a stroke last year, wasn't able to walk anymore, and developed vascular dementia. It was difficult, but we made it work.

The last several months were not difficult, they were HARD, and with the bad weather we had in February, I thought I was going nuts. My mom got really bad after Christmas (sleeping most of the time, getting "mean," fighting with me -- and I am embarrased to say I fought back -- and talking to "people" or yelling for me all night). My husband was having a had time lifting her (she fell twice) and suggested that it might be time to think about placing her somewhere. I had PROMISED my mother than I would NEVER do that, but our hospice nurse suggested that we might look into respite care for a few days.

My mother was LIVID and said I was a horrible daughter...But that same day she suffered another mini-stroke, our electricity went out, which means her oxygen machine didn't work, so we took her to the hospice facility (where I stayed overnight with her the first night). She ended up staying there 5 days because our weather was so bad and my aid was snowed in. My husband, who was working nights, was unable to get home in time for me to leave for work in the morning, so I asked if she could stay at hospice until the snow stopped.

There were 3 days when I couldn't get out to see my mom, but they kept telling me she "was fine." All she wanted was to come home...They brought her home by ambulance on a cold and snowy Thursday night -- she now had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning, I gave her some water and told her I was going to the grocery store and would bring her a "prize" (she loved prizes). My husband and our aid were with her -- she said she was hungry and after the aid gave her breakfast, she started turning husband called the paramedics even though we had a DNR on her, but she was dead by the time I got home from the store (I had missed her death by minutes...).

I feel so guilty for sending her away from the place she loved for 5 days, I feel so guilty for not visiting her every day while she was away, I feel guilty for leaving her the day she died, I am so angry at the hospice nurses who kept telling me she was fine and who NEVER came to the house to examine her the night she came home or even the next day -- and by the time the nurse DID show up on Saturday, she had already passed. To this day I have not heard anything from anyone at hospice.

So to you all who have nothing but wonderful stories about hospice, I am happy for you, but I am bitter. So many people have told me that my mother didn't want me there when she passed, but I KNOW that is not true. My mother ALWAYS wanted me with her, and I ALWAYS WAS with her...and I firmly believe that if one of the nurses had been over to check on her, they would have told me that we were nearing the end and I would NEVER have gone to the store. I am praying that she was not mad at me at the end...

Comments for Mum, I miss you so much....

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Jul 09, 2010
by: Anonymous

Hello, my name is Christi, I am so sorry about your loss. I completely understand how you're feeling. I had taken care of my mother since I was 19 yrs old and am now 37. I lost my mother almost 4 weeks ago and am still in denial she is gone, I will not accept it. I have never left her, got married or had children. I totally devoted my life to her and she was my purpose.

Now I am lost, heart broke and wondering what my purpose is anymore. I have two nieces that can make me smile, but it's so hard. As the days pass it gets harder. I relate to your story so much. But you should not feel bad, it's easy for me to say but I am doing the same thing and have so many regrets. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Apr 24, 2010
you are not alone
by: paula

I lost my mom a year and half ago to stomach cancer and i promised my mom that i would not send her away. My older son who was 10 at the time and my other son who was 3 helped to take care of my mom. I had the hospice only come in to check on her and when i tell you the were H E A R T-less. i remember one nurse saying don't worry, only a few more days, hopefully this weekend. And the morning my mom past, she took two hours to come and pronounced her; for them it was just another death, no respect.

But that was my mom, but the nerve to bring a donation letter, i tore them up right in front of her they were to come and give us grief counseling, never came, did not prepare me for her end.

If it was not for that movie two weeks, with sally field, i would have been lost. So i feel for you and my heart goes out to you and your family don't beat up yourself it was all in gods plan i woke up to use the bathroom at 2:30 and check on mama she was breathing and i went back to bed and she was gone at 3:00 so it was not meant for us to see our moms going home just imagine if i had let her live there.

Take care you gave your mom the best gift having her live with you and your husband and taking care of her, i wish more kids were like us. They took care of us from birth until, and the least we can do for them is to return the love and security.

Apr 23, 2010
Daughter's Love
by: Down Under

My sincere condolences on your mother's passing. Firstly DO NOT LISTEN to those around you who are saying such hurtful things like your mother did not want you around. She was suffering and delusional! I am sure deep down she knew how much you loved her and still do. She is no longer suffering and is watching down on you. Grieve for as long as you need to. As for the hospice . . . well I don't have many nice things to say either and I'm in Australia, the hospitals and staff ... I can't even find a "nice" word to describe them. In the end, I think it's hospital environments and the staff that actually make a person want to die. Try and keep the happy memories alive. Wishing you comfort through the rough times to come. Take Care.

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